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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about being offended when people think men should sit at the head of the table?

311 replies

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:19

I grew up in a family of 4, my mum always sat me next to her, my brother opposite me and my dad opposite her at dinner time.

I grew up and got married, became a blended family of 5. DH started to set his dinner place at the head of the table, I asked why, he couldn’t say.

I told him it made me uncomfortable, that we are not in the 1950’s and that I would prefer he didn’t, so he stopped.

DH mum has now come to visit, she was laying the table and said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, I replied that we don’t do that here, she said I was being over sensitive and scoffed, and continued to set his place at the head of the table, so I moved it and told her she was welcome to do that in her house, but not here.

Now it’s awkward as fuck, and I can’t work out if I’m being a dick or am right to enforce my own rules in my own home. DH says I should have left it.

Was I being unreasonable, bracing myself for your answers?

OP posts:
Bedlingtonwarrior · 22/10/2026 23:29

Unbelievable.
The head of the table can be N.E.S or West.
How you know which is head??

thebabessavedme · 22/10/2026 23:21

We live in a very nice apartment with a dining table that seats 10 - the men in my family are all 'viking size' so, leg room is the main consideration, including the comfort of the smaller women and children.

we just work it out according to space avaliable. I do the cooking, I get a chair near the kitchen, all the long legs get some space and if anyone gets in the way they do the clearing up.

Dollymylove · 22/10/2026 23:19

Its just a chair at a table. No need to get uptight about it.
Some people must have way too much time on their hands 🤣

SoVeryVeryBored · 22/10/2026 23:05

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:26

So, if you are genuinely interested, my friend/frenemy always does her weekly shop from Tesco on a Friday morning, and says that’s the best day so everything is fresh and ready for her husband and children at the start of the weekend. My day varies more, but she still turned her nose up at me going in a Thursday, which is only 1 day before hers! She also questions why I garden so much as my husband should be doing that, which I object to as gardening is integrative to homemaking, a really important part of our home to me…we regularly debate these things.

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If you had a job and a life, rather than being a Stepford wife, you’d both have interesting things to ‘debate’.

FunPartyIdeas · 22/10/2026 22:55

Eurgh - really not a fan of the "hierarchical" table. I don't like them at weddings either tbh!
I'd have sat myself at the head of the table with a paper crown on, just to prove a point 👑

Treehorns · 22/10/2026 22:53

Yanbu.
It is your house and she can do this in her own house.
I think she was rude to do it.
I certainly wouldn't be moving chairs in someone else's house.

Everydayimhuffling · 22/10/2026 22:51

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 19:59

A man sat at the head of the table is incredibly attractive: an authoritative leader of his family commanding a sense of safety and trust. It is incredibly charismatic and sexually attractive, as is a man who understands the importance of opening a door and regularly buying his wife flowers and booking her a table for dinner. I adore a man who knows how to lead and command attention.

This genuinely made me laugh out loud. I can't imagine being such a horny fucker that where a man sat at the table could get me going! You need more in your life, my friend!

seahorsessky · 22/10/2026 22:49

I don't see why either end is necessarily the head? It makes sense to sit the people who are going to be coming in and out nearest to the door/closest to the kitchen, in most cases. But I'd also think about any disabilities/if someone needed to be able to get out quickly, say SIL with morning sickness.
As for sexism, it surely depends more on how you deal with equality in everyday life? Most women I know chose to wear a white dress for weddings, which has sexist connotations, but if you make it clear to kids that it's ok to follow some traditions just for fun, and what matters is how you treat people on a regularly basis, it's no more serious than pulling a wishbone.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 22/10/2026 22:47

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 19:59

A man sat at the head of the table is incredibly attractive: an authoritative leader of his family commanding a sense of safety and trust. It is incredibly charismatic and sexually attractive, as is a man who understands the importance of opening a door and regularly buying his wife flowers and booking her a table for dinner. I adore a man who knows how to lead and command attention.

You’re insane.

User58291 · 22/10/2026 22:46

I think you did the right thing. Why don't you sit at one end, DH at the other and your DCs between you?

ChocolateCinderToffee · 22/10/2026 22:45

To me the person who’s done the cooking should also sit at the top

Pinkissmart · 22/10/2026 22:43

Hate it too, but I’m confused- is his plate different? Wouldn’t he just sit where he normally does?

SylvanMoon · 22/10/2026 22:39

How do you determine which place setting is the "head" of the table???? And does sitting there confer some extra privileges?

lottiegarbanzo · 22/10/2026 22:39

Oh I see. Well interfering in your household like that is so rude.

Dollymylove · 22/10/2026 22:25

As a kid we were a family of six. We all had our own places that we sat at every day. Dad at one end, mum at the other and us kids on each side. Nobody thought it was weird.
I think the head of the table was from the days when the father was the breadwinner and yes he did probably did have the best slice of meat because he had probably been toiling all day in some shitty job to provide for his family

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 22:20

Thanks everyone for your comments so far, it’s been really interesting to hear how peoples views differ. I have no issue with what people do in their own home, each to their own. The world would be a boring place if we all thought the same. MIL seems fine again now, no harm done and hopefully I have made myself clear enough to not see a repeat of this in the future.

OP posts:
PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 22:18

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 22:14

At least I don’t rely on bad language to get my point across 😂

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And.......?

AnneShirleyBlythe · 22/10/2026 22:17

Stompythedinosaur · 22/10/2026 19:28

It's sexist wallpaper, a habit that subtly encourages your dc to internalise that men are superior.

You're right to stop it, I would too!

Sexist wallpaper! Love it! Describes everyday sexism so well.

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 22:14

PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 22:08

A poor tradesman always blames the tools ... 😆

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At least I don’t rely on bad language to get my point across 😂

lottiegarbanzo · 22/10/2026 22:08

How are your table settings personalised? Surely he could just sit in another seat?

PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 22:08

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:56

Ha, I know the difference thanks, unfortunately typos are common on iPhones, would definitely prefer a time before them!

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A poor tradesman always blames the tools ... 😆

Awkwardisfunny · 22/10/2026 22:02

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:19

I grew up in a family of 4, my mum always sat me next to her, my brother opposite me and my dad opposite her at dinner time.

I grew up and got married, became a blended family of 5. DH started to set his dinner place at the head of the table, I asked why, he couldn’t say.

I told him it made me uncomfortable, that we are not in the 1950’s and that I would prefer he didn’t, so he stopped.

DH mum has now come to visit, she was laying the table and said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, I replied that we don’t do that here, she said I was being over sensitive and scoffed, and continued to set his place at the head of the table, so I moved it and told her she was welcome to do that in her house, but not here.

Now it’s awkward as fuck, and I can’t work out if I’m being a dick or am right to enforce my own rules in my own home. DH says I should have left it.

Was I being unreasonable, bracing myself for your answers?

It's always okay to enforce your rules in your home. It's weird af to dictate anything to someone in their own house. She should have piped down as soon as you stated your preference.

It is definitely outdated and sexist to assume the man is the head of the house. We create children together. We're two sides of the same coin. When are we going to realise we are supposed to be co-heads. Co-governing and working together. Not constantly working against each other.

Idontpostmuch · 22/10/2026 21:58

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:56

Ha, I know the difference thanks, unfortunately typos are common on iPhones, would definitely prefer a time before them!

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But you don't know that it should be sitting, not sat. Tbh you were funny to begin with but you're stretching the joke too far now.

Idontpostmuch · 22/10/2026 21:56

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 21:53

I said ‘you are welcome to do that in your house, but not here ‘, I can’t think of a more polite way to say that tbh. If I had said it was sexist, she would have taken greater offence I’m sure of it.

I wanted to make sure it was clear the first time so it didn’t have to be brought up again.

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Reminding someone they're in your home is unwelcoming. If you didn't want to mention sexism, you could simply have moved it back and said you preferred it that way.

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:56

PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 21:52

😆

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Ha, I know the difference thanks, unfortunately typos are common on iPhones, would definitely prefer a time before them!

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