Am I being unreasonable about being offended when people think men should sit at the head of the table?

Supposing one of their husband's turns out to be abusive? Still stay married?

So my husband comes from a family with zero divorce, they are thoroughly decent and incredibly stable people, which I value and respect, as my lot have been a chaotic joke!

It was horrific living through my own Dad commit suicide then years of an extremely tempestuous marriage and divorce between Mum and Stepdad. I hate how romanticised ‘blended families’ are, I hated living with strangers, step siblings who resented us. My husband is providing me and our children with way, way better than I experienced as a child. I feel so calm and at peace finally being part of a stable marriage, so our children will be advised by us to marry wisely and stay married. It’s the best way, and I have every right to say that after my own negative experiences, and wish I had had parents who had got on better, made more effort to get on and stayed married! My children have got it made!

It wouldn’t be ideal, no, because she would miss out on so much joy as a mother. I’m very anti-nurseries for babies/toddlers, so I will advise both children strongly against using those. A Stay-at-Home Dad is preferable in that scenario, Mum is best though. I would happily look after GCs to help my daughter, I am besotted with her. But I would worry she was missing joy and memories that are rightfully hers with her own children. I’d feel sad for her. Ultimately, when my daughter lives with her future husband, she needs to discuss those matters with him primarily and respect his opinions on such matters too, knowing my support is always there for her.

What would you think should one of them divorce?

Oh. So, in what way does he "lead"? Again of course I agree entirely about the marriage and children thing - I truly hope my kids have this in their futures too. And I can relate to the fact that so many men in your family are in prison or dead or otherwise sub-optimal!

My husband supports whatever I decide to do.

I’m a more argumentative person generally.

Male members of my own family are either dead, in prison or pretty pathetic, I don’t speak to any of them. My Mum is a capable person, great role model.

I am raising both my children to understand the importance of marriage and having children in their future, and that both of their lives would be enriched by the partnership and security marriage provides, and more joyful with children about the place.

Also feel the need to point out here that @SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal version of the past does a bit of an injustice to the vast, vast majority of women throughout history who have contributed, financially as well as domestically, to their families.

OK. I agree with you on all of this.

Would you answer these questions I asked?

Has your husband decided it's not in your best interest to do something that you really want to do?

Has he ever, when speaking for you, said something you disagree with, and how did you feel/ what did you?

Is it just husband you'd defer to, or father/ brother/uncle as well?

What would the consequence be if you went against what they decided?

And, if you have sons as well as daughters, are they equally responsible for household chores, or are you bringing the girls up to do housework and the boys up to be earners outside the home?

Again, I'm asking from sincere curiosity, because I grew up in what I think would be considered a male-dominated environment, so I do share some of your values, but I find your language a bit unfamiliar and honestly naïve about it, as if you've never actually had to submit to what your husband/ father/ brother decides is best, irrespective of what you want or think.

What does any of that have to do with being economically dependent?

So you would be okay if she went back to work if she became a mum and used nursery care or dad became SAHP?

Whatever she wants- that’s what I’ve always done.

I like having a clean and tidy home, I like looking presentable when I leave the house, I despair at people shopping wearing pyjamas (unless it is a rare emergency), I value good manners, I like to host generously, I hate how frantic modern life is, I hate people refusing to use headphones on public transport…I miss old school manners and etiquette.

Yeah, I totally get why you'd want only one parent in work - of course that means there's more time for both of you to do other things. It's the other stuff I was curious about - the sexual gratification you get from the idea of what a man sitting at the head of the table implies etc etc.

I did get the impression you'd "done the whole university and career thing". No judgement either way, btw. But I do still get the sense that you like the trad-wife vibes (which is understandable - they have a very pretty aesthetic), but haven't really been in a home or culture where men decide most of what happens in your life.

Would you be able to answer my other questions? I'm not trying to be goady - I'm interested in how much of your life actually is controlled by men. Your current set up, being a SAHM, of course has nothing to do with that, especially since, with your previous career, you could easily opt out again.

What would you encourage your DD to do?

So I’ve done the whole university and career thing for years, I actually earned more, split all chores equally at the weekend. It’s overrated. I massively prefer a more traditional set up, as now our evenings and weekends are entirely free. We are both clear on who does what and both have loads of free time to pursue hobbies, go out with friends and family separately and together, and basically have a life where not every minute is either kids or work for both of us. I certainly don’t want 1 1/2-2 jobs!

Oh dear.

Assuming you're genuine, could you tell us how much experience you have of the life you're describing? Have you ever earned money? Have you been brought up doing your dad's laundry and your brothers laundry, doing all the cooking and the dishes while they watch the football on TV? Seeing your brothers get fed first, and fed more, and getting the second helpings of the food you cooked? Has your husband decided it's not in your best interest to do something that you really want to do? Has he ever, when speaking for you, said something you disagree with, and how did you feel/ what did you? Is it just husband you'd defer to, or father/ brother/uncle as well? What would the consequence be if you went against what they decided?

The reason I'm asking is because I think you're romanticising or even sexualizing a lifestyle you don't really understand, and I think it's naïve and possibly risky to do that.

God — that’s horrifying!

I broke my leg picking blackberries (don’t ask — highly outing because so specific) and the wag who admitted me for the surgery I needed to repair it with pins wrote ‘Blackberry picking injury’ on my notes, which meant I kept seeing med students trying not to laugh as they presented to whoever was doing rounds.

"shrieking"? I can't get worked up about where anyone sits, but I can see why some women would, and I don't think anyone is shrieking.

I’d be appalled if my husband didn’t put the bins out.

I put my arm through a mangle as a toddler in the 70s. I was wearing a bracelet. Still got the scar to this day

That "he" is EXACTLY my thought too!

@NimbleTaupeTiger He's having us on 😀

@SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal

I'm definitely sure you're on a wind up now. Your comments are ridiculous, why are you even on MN when you would simply ask your husband everything including permission to breathe in and out? What possible help could anyone of us terrible feminist, "materialist, selfish, self-centred, self-indulgent, anti-family, technology dominated society" women give you? And why are you on a website either for that matter? That's technology ....

When he puts the bins out and paints the ceiling 😄
I'm guessing you don't want equality then?