Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
30 days only
Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about being offended when people think men should sit at the head of the table?

311 replies

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:19

I grew up in a family of 4, my mum always sat me next to her, my brother opposite me and my dad opposite her at dinner time.

I grew up and got married, became a blended family of 5. DH started to set his dinner place at the head of the table, I asked why, he couldn’t say.

I told him it made me uncomfortable, that we are not in the 1950’s and that I would prefer he didn’t, so he stopped.

DH mum has now come to visit, she was laying the table and said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, I replied that we don’t do that here, she said I was being over sensitive and scoffed, and continued to set his place at the head of the table, so I moved it and told her she was welcome to do that in her house, but not here.

Now it’s awkward as fuck, and I can’t work out if I’m being a dick or am right to enforce my own rules in my own home. DH says I should have left it.

Was I being unreasonable, bracing myself for your answers?

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 22/10/2026 19:54

PoliteSquid · 22/10/2026 19:46

In our house the end of the table is where the baby sat - more room for a high chair! DD is our last baby and still sits there aged 14 🤣

Not something I’d get offended about really!

Same here, with a parent sitting on each side of them so they can equally help. Youngest is 7.
I wouldn't be offended over it but to me it makes no sense to put the tallest member at the head of the table, it impedes the table space and everyone's leg room, surely?

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:54

likelysuspect · 22/10/2026 19:52

Yes its the end of the table

(good drawing by the way, nice and neat)

Its not like she's sitting him on a raised dais or anything

She would put a bloody crown on him if she could.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:53

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:52

I didn’t go on about it, just said we don’t do that here and moved the setting. I am not someone who conforms just so I don’t offend someone. DH said he liked that about me, lol. Bet he regrets saying that now.

Show quote history

That’s not all you said. You insulted her by saying she can do it in her own house but not at yours, like she was doing something bad.

likelysuspect · 22/10/2026 19:52

Yes its the end of the table

(good drawing by the way, nice and neat)

Its not like she's sitting him on a raised dais or anything

Justusethebloodyphone · 22/10/2026 19:52

PoliteSquid · 22/10/2026 19:46

In our house the end of the table is where the baby sat - more room for a high chair! DD is our last baby and still sits there aged 14 🤣

Not something I’d get offended about really!

Exactly the same in our house! 15 year old baby at the head of the table.

my own mum would also automatically put DH at the head of the table if she didn’t know better than to try that in my house.

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:52

BigBadPotato · 22/10/2026 19:44

I guess I get it for day to day but you made a right meal (har har) of this by going on like you did to his mother on a visit. It wasn’t worth it, imo.

I didn’t go on about it, just said we don’t do that here and moved the setting. I am not someone who conforms just so I don’t offend someone. DH said he liked that about me, lol. Bet he regrets saying that now.

OP posts:
Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:49

The drawing is under review but will show shortly. Nothing to get excited about though, I draw like a 3 year old.

OP posts:
Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:48

Obligatory diagram, for those who are asking what the head of the table means. Sorry for the crappy drawing.

Am I being unreasonable about being offended when people think men should sit at the head of the table?
OP posts:
PoliteSquid · 22/10/2026 19:46

In our house the end of the table is where the baby sat - more room for a high chair! DD is our last baby and still sits there aged 14 🤣

Not something I’d get offended about really!

Mumtotornadoes · 22/10/2026 19:44

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:40

We have a rectangle table that has 3 seats on each side. She pulled a chair to the end (that’s what I mean by head) to set his place.

Show quote history

Yeah I think she's out of order there. It's not just choosing to give him a specific seat, it's moving the seats to put him in some kind of "higher" position.

Does she have enough sense of humour that you can all start acting like 1950s housewives and ask him for permission for everything and giving him all the meat and calling him sir and just absolutely mocking the shit out of it?

BigBadPotato · 22/10/2026 19:44

I guess I get it for day to day but you made a right meal (har har) of this by going on like you did to his mother on a visit. It wasn’t worth it, imo.

NewGoldFox · 22/10/2026 19:41

Think you’ve done the right thing standing up for yourself early doors.

likelysuspect · 22/10/2026 19:40

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:40

We have a rectangle table that has 3 seats on each side. She pulled a chair to the end (that’s what I mean by head) to set his place.

Show quote history

So the end of the table. Whats the issue.

InterestedDad37 · 22/10/2026 19:40

As an automatic assumption, it has no place* in modern society.

*ooh, that's kind of a pun 😀

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:40

likelysuspect · 22/10/2026 19:38

This.

What is the head of the table anyway?

Show quote history

We have a rectangle table that has 3 seats on each side. She pulled a chair to the end (that’s what I mean by head) to set his place.

OP posts:
NimbleTaupeTiger · 22/10/2026 19:38

I tend to sit at the head of our table when we have guests because it's closest to the kitchen. DH sits at the other end. If it's just two of us we sit on opposite sides. It's done for expediency that's all.

likelysuspect · 22/10/2026 19:38

Fidgety31 · 22/10/2026 19:20

You’re overthinking it

This.

What is the head of the table anyway?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:38

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:34

No, no one sits at the ‘head’ of the table. We sit next to each other or opposite each other.

Show quote history

So he’s allowed to sit at one end of someone else sits at the other end? Are your daughters allowed to sit at the end?

accidentalmillionaire · 22/10/2026 19:37

My MiL and FiL were strictly man-at-head-of-table people, and compounded it by always serving FiL first, and the best slices of meat. Weird.

Vitrolinsanity · 22/10/2026 19:35

Alternatively, as I did, divorce DH and sit there myself. Or not if I wasn’t fast enough.

TheSmallAssassin · 22/10/2026 19:35

If anyone should feel awkward it's your MiL, not you. I think you did the right thing.

Love the term "sexist wallpaper" @Stompythedinosaur !

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:34

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:33

So everyone is allowed to sit there except him?

Show quote history

No, no one sits at the ‘head’ of the table. We sit next to each other or opposite each other.

OP posts:
Vitrolinsanity · 22/10/2026 19:34

DewDropsAndCobWebs · 22/10/2026 19:26

I do love a round table

Nailed the problem and solved it. I’ll go a step further and say drop leaf table that’s a rectangle when out of use and a circle or semi as needed.

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:33

BillyDidIt · 22/10/2026 19:30

I'm curious, do you all have your own individual place settings or little name cards?

Not really, we just tend to sit anywhere. Depends what child emerges from upstairs first.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:33

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:31

We have 3 daughters in the house. I don’t die on many hills and am a reasonably calm person, but this really annoyed me. Especially as I had made my feelings clear and she ignored me.

So everyone is allowed to sit there except him?