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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about being offended when people think men should sit at the head of the table?

311 replies

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:19

I grew up in a family of 4, my mum always sat me next to her, my brother opposite me and my dad opposite her at dinner time.

I grew up and got married, became a blended family of 5. DH started to set his dinner place at the head of the table, I asked why, he couldn’t say.

I told him it made me uncomfortable, that we are not in the 1950’s and that I would prefer he didn’t, so he stopped.

DH mum has now come to visit, she was laying the table and said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, I replied that we don’t do that here, she said I was being over sensitive and scoffed, and continued to set his place at the head of the table, so I moved it and told her she was welcome to do that in her house, but not here.

Now it’s awkward as fuck, and I can’t work out if I’m being a dick or am right to enforce my own rules in my own home. DH says I should have left it.

Was I being unreasonable, bracing myself for your answers?

OP posts:
Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 20:10

Stompythedinosaur · 22/10/2026 20:08

If it was a house where someone sat at the head of the table and people took turns, sure that would be fine.

But that isn't the situation the op as described. Dragging the man's table setting to a special "more important" position that isn't regularly used is weird as anything and definitely something dc would notice.

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She literally dragged the chair around. I think people are missing that point.

OP posts:
SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:10

SpecialShark · 22/10/2026 20:01

I would always seat my husband at the head of the table, just like I always give him the best and biggest portion of the meals I serve. So far nothing bad has happened.

A husband definitely needs the biggest portion, I couldn’t agree more. And he must carve the meat during Sunday roast.

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 20:09

likelysuspect · 22/10/2026 20:06

Its the end of the table, we know this!!

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But no-one needs to sit at the end. Are you saying the man should sit at the end?

ParsonMaybold · 22/10/2026 20:09

Hilariously old fashioned.

I was born in the 70s and grew up in a family of 4 female siblings. My dad was the sole bread winner and no more thought of himself as the head of the household than the cat. We were a family who always had meals at the table, and as there were 6 of us, we had 2 at the ‘head’ or each end. Those people were whoever happened to sit there.

Now with a family of our own, we have slipped into table ‘places’. My husband is the one who cooks every meal and so seats himself last every time. He’s never once sat at the table head.

Stompythedinosaur · 22/10/2026 20:08

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:31

Him sitting there on occasion would do no such thing. His mum setting his place there once is harmless, someone must sit at the end of the table, it’s weirder if it’s never allowed to be him on principle

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If it was a house where someone sat at the head of the table and people took turns, sure that would be fine.

But that isn't the situation the op as described. Dragging the man's table setting to a special "more important" position that isn't regularly used is weird as anything and definitely something dc would notice.

likelysuspect · 22/10/2026 20:06

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 20:02

It’s traditionally where the head of the household sits, so the man in a sexist house

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Its the end of the table, we know this!!

Rosie8880 · 22/10/2026 20:06

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 20:01

I honestly can’t work out if you are taking the piss? I can open a door!

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This is funny.

Coconutter24 · 22/10/2026 20:06

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 20:02

It’s traditionally where the head of the household sits, so the man in a sexist house

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What if a woman sits in it?

Glittarain · 22/10/2026 20:05

It used to piss me of when I used to go exs mother's house he would just sit there doing sweet FA. Whilst his mum was in the hot kitchen cooking for several people then he would be asked to carve the meat and sit head of the table. Used to make me think wtf

Tortephant · 22/10/2026 20:05

OP, if this has caused you so much of an issue, and that you can't accept your MIL, your marriage won't be lasting long. Get over yourself, respect different eras and traditions and that you have family around you.

LindaJonesJustCantLiveMYLifeNSoul · 22/10/2026 20:04

accidentalmillionaire · 22/10/2026 19:37

My MiL and FiL were strictly man-at-head-of-table people, and compounded it by always serving FiL first, and the best slices of meat. Weird.

My mum was like that (1970s)
We've a round table mind you there's only two of us.
I do the cooking every thing gets served eeky peekys if we're having the same.

Rosie8880 · 22/10/2026 20:04

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:19

I grew up in a family of 4, my mum always sat me next to her, my brother opposite me and my dad opposite her at dinner time.

I grew up and got married, became a blended family of 5. DH started to set his dinner place at the head of the table, I asked why, he couldn’t say.

I told him it made me uncomfortable, that we are not in the 1950’s and that I would prefer he didn’t, so he stopped.

DH mum has now come to visit, she was laying the table and said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, I replied that we don’t do that here, she said I was being over sensitive and scoffed, and continued to set his place at the head of the table, so I moved it and told her she was welcome to do that in her house, but not here.

Now it’s awkward as fuck, and I can’t work out if I’m being a dick or am right to enforce my own rules in my own home. DH says I should have left it.

Was I being unreasonable, bracing myself for your answers?

Sometimes there is cause for letting things slide esp with MIL… but I do feel there are boundaries too. Especially in front of kids. It isn’t just about a place setting - it is what it represents too and I do feel it that’s at odds with your values which you have shared I do feel it’s reasonable to hold your ground, gently as you have.

Coconutter24 · 22/10/2026 20:04

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:58

It offended her I think. I think she thinks I undermined her. Well I did I suppose, but I feel I have every right to set the rules in my own home.

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YABU to have a rule that your DH can’t sit in a particular spot even if he wants to.

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 20:02

likelysuspect · 22/10/2026 19:38

This.

What is the head of the table anyway?

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It’s traditionally where the head of the household sits, so the man in a sexist house

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 20:01

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 19:59

A man sat at the head of the table is incredibly attractive: an authoritative leader of his family commanding a sense of safety and trust. It is incredibly charismatic and sexually attractive, as is a man who understands the importance of opening a door and regularly buying his wife flowers and booking her a table for dinner. I adore a man who knows how to lead and command attention.

I honestly can’t work out if you are taking the piss? I can open a door!

OP posts:
SpecialShark · 22/10/2026 20:01

I would always seat my husband at the head of the table, just like I always give him the best and biggest portion of the meals I serve. So far nothing bad has happened.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 20:01

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:58

It offended her I think. I think she thinks I undermined her. Well I did I suppose, but I feel I have every right to set the rules in my own home.

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So you did insult her. Even if you think you are right, it was a fuss about nothing and she ended up feeling offended. In my home we don’t offend guests over minor details, your husband was right.

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 19:59

A man sat at the head of the table is incredibly attractive: an authoritative leader of his family commanding a sense of safety and trust. It is incredibly charismatic and sexually attractive, as is a man who understands the importance of opening a door and regularly buying his wife flowers and booking her a table for dinner. I adore a man who knows how to lead and command attention.

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:58

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:55

Then why is it ‘awkward as fuck’ if you didn’t offend her?

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It offended her I think. I think she thinks I undermined her. Well I did I suppose, but I feel I have every right to set the rules in my own home.

OP posts:
Timeforachange26 · 22/10/2026 19:57

It's really not a big deal

Actually the last time I remember anyone sitting at the headboard the table was my DD when she was 9 months pregnant as she was in and outdoors the loo plenty and it gave her room

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:56

Booomerrranger · 22/10/2026 19:55

When my family come for dinner, I always sit at the head of the table. It’s more about being closer to the action end of the kitchen than anything else. No man in my family ever sits at the head of the table.

So by this logic, no man in your family ever cooks? Very modern.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:55

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:55

Yes sorry I did say that, but I don’t see that as offensive, everyone had their own rules and boundaries.

Edited
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Then why is it ‘awkward as fuck’ if you didn’t offend her?

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:55

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:53

That’s not all you said. You insulted her by saying she can do it in her own house but not at yours, like she was doing something bad.

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Yes sorry I did say that, but I don’t see that as offensive, everyone had their own rules and boundaries.

OP posts:
Justusethebloodyphone · 22/10/2026 19:55

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:40

We have a rectangle table that has 3 seats on each side. She pulled a chair to the end (that’s what I mean by head) to set his place.

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Well that’s just weird anyway as she left the table all unbalanced just to elevate the man. Ugh.

Booomerrranger · 22/10/2026 19:55

When my family come for dinner, I always sit at the head of the table. It’s more about being closer to the action end of the kitchen than anything else. No man in my family ever sits at the head of the table.