Best friend affair

She can't stop?
Why not? That's a ridiculous excuse... personally I've never had difficulty not sleeping with someone who wasn't my husband.

You can't stop socialising with her & her husband?
Why not? It's easy to say "Hey Jane, I'm not comfortable blatantly lying to John's face knowing you haven't stopped snagging Peter, so please don't invite us anywhere as I will decline"

She's your best friend?
If you knew that she was a cheater and would be the type to happily put her family through such turmoil (especially 4 young kids) for cheap thrills.... would you have befriended her? You don't need to stay friends with someone who isn't actually anything like the person you thought they were. If you found out she was a bank robber, or a racist etc... would you still just keep saying 'she's my best friend'?
Also, as a friend she absolutely should not be putting you in this position. Good friends don't do that.

The thing about secrets is that’s she’s broken it because she couldn’t cope with the burden of holding it. But she expects you to keep it and carry her burden for her.

it’s clearly damaging your friendship if you don’t want to socialise with her. It’s going to explode in her face at some point. Did she tell you because she needs your help bringing that forward and deal with the consequences. That’s also a ridiculous burden for you to carry

She’s compromised your integrity. All the excuses about stress and kids? Absolute bollocks. Walk out of Sainsbury’s forgetting to pay for your wine maybe. Choosing to have sex with another man. No. That’s not a mistake.

Tell him/don’t tell him either way she’s killed the friendship.

I’d tell him, end the friendship and keep my integrity.

Encourage her to seek therapy - she must be deeply unhappy to be behaving in this way . Feels hard on you having to be around them as a couple , must feel v conflicting and uncomfortable

Agree with this - tell her the time she spends with her lover would be better spent in therapy

but You also need to stop being so naive - of course she knows how to stop the affair - she just doesn’t want to

I would buy her several books.

Not just friends by Shirley Glass

Cheating in a nutshell by Mitchell

How to help my spouse heal from my affair - can’t remember the author.

Plus chump ladies book.

I would direct her to post on the surviving infidelity forum as a cheater. To get advice from people who have been there.

When / If this blows up it’s likely her husband will ask you, did you know? Now that might be okay, you say yes, he cuts you off, all is fine and dandy if they split. If he tries to create a new marriage with her, he is likely to ask her to cut you off (you may even be being given as the reason she is going out) as a condition of remaining friends. As you covered for her.

She has put you in a crap position op. And that is because she is selfish. Her spouse, you, her kids are behind her need for validation, dopamine etc.

Should you tell him? At 20 I’d have said no. As a fully grown adult, I’d tell her she has until Sunday to tell him as you don’t want to lose her as a friend and if he finds out you were covering it’s likely over anyway.

As for those saying she must be unhappy. Look at the books I’ve mentioned. Look up limerance. Often cheats have other addictions or inability to communicate or inability to self soothe or lack of empathy. The first person they lie to is themselves. It’s about entitlement and them having a but in their vows. I’m faithful but not if work is stressful. I’m faithful but not if it’s great sex with a hot man. I’m faithful but not if husband won’t find out.

The dopamine ride can cause her to feel like she is going crazy. She has two men wanting her yet she knows she’s a liar and has acted without integrity. It will mess with her head. She has caused that.

You care for your friend. I am sorry she has included you in her mess. Read the books if you can.

Exactly. Avoid socialising with the, both, and tell her you no longer want to hear about the affair. If you’re not planning to tell her DH, what else can you do?

How would you husband feel when he finds out? Would he feel you have lied to him? Would he cut contact with your friend to be loyal to the husband his friend. I appreciate she is your best friend but in honesty I don’t think you are hers as she has told you so you bear the burden rather than she does. Which is just as selfish in my opinion as her having the affair. I’m sorry I couldn’t be friends with this person going forward.