Best friend affair

I want to do what’s best for her.
Why for her and not her kids?

You're being pretty damn selfish to be honest. You're prioritising having a friend to socialise with over being a decent human being. You saying she doesn't know why she's doing it and looking for ways to excuse what she's done is absolutely ridiculous.

Cheaters are disgraceful.
People who are covering for cheaters whilst socialising with the person being cheated on, are also bloody awful.

You're obviously such great friends because you both have the same moral compass as eachother.

Are her husband and your husband friends? How would your husband feel if he found out you knew, lied to his friend or made him have to keep the secret and lie to his friend. This could impact on your marriage if you keep her secret as it looks like you are approving of it (whether or not you do) if you are keeping quiet.

I'd tell her that I don't want to hear any more about it.

she’s so messed up by it and doesn’t know what she’s doing and what’s going on.

She knows exactly what she's doing and what's going on.

Why ever did she tell you and then expect you to sit over the dinner table from her husband and go on holiday with him.

She's lessened the guilt by sharing it with you.

For me she'd either have to stop the affair and never talk about it again or I would not be in the company of her husband. I couldn't tolerate being complicit in the deceit.

I'm sorry but your friend has no moral compass so why do you want to be friends with someone like that? She would fuck your dh without a problem as well, just think about that.

Distance yourself OP.

I think its gone way beyond. If her friend had stopped the affair then maybe. The fact the friend is happy to continue the affair.... OP needs to take a big step back!

People have affairs for so many different reasons, it’s never right but I would try not to judge her, but would not want to be any part of it either. I would feel sullied.

I have been listening to ‘the affair’ podcast over the last few months and the destruction they cause for YEARS is incalculable.

I’m also totally astounded that she has the time or energy to hold down a job not to mind cheat!

Anyway she definitely has an Employee Assistance Program at work if she has a good job, tell her to get counselling there and try to figure out why she is doing this before she does another thing.

Why not?

Shes just gas lighting OP and taking advantage of her.

Sorry, to be clear, my question was why isn't it OP's place to tell the husband?

Guarantee as the children become teens this selfish woman will show you her true colours more and more.

She puts on a front and lies to hide her real devious self from everyone else and unburdens herself onto you. Not nice. This friendship is doomed because it’s one way and she is using you.

Been there OP and yes, it hurts

What does your own DH think of all this? Have you even told him? I discuss pretty much everything with mine, especially stuff that is burdening me and making me feel uncomfortable.

Agree. I would add that she should stop spending time with the husband until the affair ends. If she considers him a friend then she should tell him. So, logically, she should stop being his friend until it stops. Maybe even full stop. Because if he finds out in future about the affair and finds out his 'friend' didn't tell him... Their friendship will end anyway.

OP You are her best friend but if it were me I would not tell her husband under any circumstances. You will be opening up a veritable hornets nest. Yes, support her but if her husband asks you then all you need to say is speak to your wife otherwise this is going to get messy.

It will all implode sooner or later. Affairs never stay secret for long.

Whatever makes you feel better about yourself.

You're still lying, by omission.

You are accountable and responsible for your actions though. As long as you can comfortably stand by withholding such information from her husband, then I guess that's good enough. I couldn't.

I have two best friends and both had affairs in their mid/late twenties (both married with kids)
it was a different situation but both had crap husbands, one was abusive and whilst I thought the affair partner was also a bit of a dick I hoped it would be her way out of the situation. (It wasn’t unfortunately despite her dh eventually finding out). The other despite having known her dh since childhood i didn’t particularly like him and felt friend should leave him (he use to put her down a lot and try to limit her life) She did leave and went on to marry her affair partner. She did go on to start an emotional affair with someone else and I told her in no uncertain terms she was out of order and risking blowing up her life for a bit of flirting.

id question why she is doing this no one’s risks a happy situation for no reason.

Your friend is a horrible selfish git. Some of us have never been married to a great guy. Tell him and then give him my phone number, lol!

I think you need to tell her that you don’t want to hear any more about it and hold that boundary. It will probably put a distance between you but she should never have burdened you with this.

I don’t know if I would feel the same way about my friend knowing this about her. It’s one thing to have an affair if your husband is shit, but cheating on a great guy bc you just want more really takes the cake. It speaks very badly of her character. I hope she gets found out and lives all the consequences. And I would focus more on other friendships. You’re best off being friends with people who have more principles than this one.

She’s so messed up by it and doesn’t know what she’s doing or what’s going on??? Don’t fall for her little-lamb act. She’s a bad person.

Since the poor thing is so confused, maybe you could explain to her that what happened is she took her clothes off and let another man fuck her even though she has a great husband.

Same here. I wouldn’t tell him, but I would say I don’t want to hear about it anymore.