My sister has been hurting her son

Hi OP, just lit a candle thinking of you, your nephew and parents. Hats off to you for being there, and to the teacher who noticed.

It's a terrible shock, isn't it. Different situation I know, but - I learned some months ago that my daughter was assaulted, years ago at age eight, by the estranged husband of my godmother. I'd known this man for over thirty years; I thought him a rare failure of judgment by her, but I'd never in a million years have imagined this.

Now I'm wondering - was the man I knew thirty years ago already this utter bastard? What changed? Why didn't I see it, why didn't I, why? You have to live with that bewilderment. Don't drive yourself mad, OP, you're doing a lot to help. Here's hoping you find ways to be there for your mother from afar.

It can be very difficult to flag the men though. Often the women don't let anyone know of a new relationship- partly due to DWP rules - and if these men move to a new local authority, social services may not know about them.

yes, being on the radar is why Victoria Marten's parents went on the run.

Both points are true... However, the families who have more kids are flagged up on the system... Even if they move area they are traced hopefully...

New partners are a potential source of danger, but equally so are biological relatives.

Everyone should keep an eye open for kids' welfare.

You've missed the point I was making! ... At no point did i say they needed to be 'let off'.

There are many issues in the prison /remand system tjat fails people....

We need to prioritise the most dangerous offenders....

The problem is that there is no way of preventing them having more children.

New partners are such a danger to children.

OP you have already seen the need and stepped up in the best way you can. I gulped a little at the description of you on FaceTime whilst he plays. Will it help at all if I tell you that my DS’s remote auntie did likewise when he experienced life changing trauma and they are,
now he’s 19 and can travel to her, the absolute best friends. He adores her.

Navigating social services is an utter minefield. My son’s SW insisted that contact with his father would be a good thing. We swallowed it down week after week for a year until a custodial sentence was passed down. The experience was horrific. Sit in a room for x long and make nice with a person that has literally turned a young life to shit. I’m still ashamed to tell you I had to ask trusted friends to step in and be with DS for fear I’d do something I’d regret even more. They are also still extremely upset at having to do something that was so unspeakably wrong for a child they loved.

im in awe of that teacher. I work in schools and you live in the shadow of missing the tricks of an abuser. They are so cunning and walk in plain sight.

Grandparents, such as your nephews, are his touchstone now. Made worse for them that their own child has done something so unspeakably awful. Know this though, the enduring relationship between them and your nephew will shape him in ways you currently cannot imagine, but from my own experience will absolutely change his little life and the adult he will be.

I wish you all nothing but love and hope for the future. It does get better. It just takes a long time. It is worth it I promise.

Yes, it is complex and in some cases the damage at even 6 months will be life long. Unfortunately.

However, in many many cases the damage can be healed either partially or almost completely.

I think that itbis more complicated than that. I have two adopted children whocwere neglected/abused up to removal by social services aged 6 months and 2 years old. The younger one was more badly affected even though she was there for less time. They both startle and panic at the slightest hint of danger - it seems to be hard wired into them.

What agency does this person work for? The coffees, lunches, and especially the nail appointment seem very odd to me. Admittedly I don't know much about how the child protection system works, legally or from a social work perspective, in the UK (I'm in the US), but that level of personal, as opposed to professional involvement, seems really strange to me.

Please, please listen to @Hadenough32

Taking notes and summarizing can be an absolute lifesaver.

Yeah of course they do because the paper trail will never be in their favour.
What I do is pretend that I'm a busy slightly ditzy person and I let then know that I take notes during phone calls. After the call I summarise the points made, queries I raised, things promised etc and then I send it to the person i had the phone call with.
Hey just for my records I'm summarising what we talked about and decided when you called me at 3pm today. Let me know if any of the details are incorrect.

And I don't know why but I always end emails with something like hope you have a lovely weekend we're taking child A to bla bla. Just letting them know somewhere nice you're going or you've done. Keeps the tone really friendly and nice especially if they share your emails with judges other workers etc.

but if they do this Then your parents have covered themselves. Doesn't even matter if the sw doesn't read it. Point is that they should be.

If you get Granola iOS it can record phone calls while you have them on an iPhone and transcribe into summaries. You can then email it over to her. Just tell her when the call starts that you’re recording it for your records.

Yeah sorry kickpot you'll find this the whole way along. My only advice is not to piss of child's social worker. Play the game so to speak. Don't say you refuse to facilitate contact with parents as they can just as quickly remove your nephew into foster care. Also get every agreement in writing. Email everything so your parents have a paper trail.. social workers have immense loads and shit conditions they'll look our for themselves before the kids.
Just keep pulling everything back into your nephews needs eg
Yes of course it's import his mum is in his life and we will facilitate this at his pace and according to his needs.
Just don't say no to anything untill your parents have legal parental responsibility..not temporary. They need to be legal guardians which is only given in courts. Untill they have that social can remove your nephew from them with zero warning or reasons. Seen it happen numerous times when birth families are difficult for social worker.

Advocates are purely to make sure that they have a voice and that it is heard, the advocate is not "on their side".

I have a friend who used to work as an advocate for children through Barnados (so may be worth giving them a call and NSPCC) and her job was so hard. She would have to voice what the kids wanted in meetings or in court, which was often to go home to their abuser, understandable as that is all they know. Her own instinct was to tell them that no, they were better off where they were, but that wasnt her job. Your sisters advocate will be doing the same, the advocates personal views are irrelevant.

Its literally "Ms X believes that the child would be better off with her because........"

I'm afraid that once you know what can happen in the nighttime, you can never un-know it.

But the good, from a stable loving caring family going forward, can far outweigh the bad.

With a NT person, there's also the extremely difficult question of "why did my parents treat me so badly that I couldn't stay with them? why didn't my Dad want me?" when they get older. When the family breaks down it takes a lot of coming to terms with emotionally and mentally.

How a not-very-verbal autistic child, specifically your autistic nephew, will take it is another question. Which is why, in the strongest way, I'd urge you to encourage your parents to find an experienced therapist skilled and trained in both autism and trauma. As others have said, while they are different things, in some cases (particularly with severe trauma) the symptoms can be almost the same, and it takes a great deal of experience to know how to treat, what.

On the good side, it will help a lot that he already knows his grandparents and while this is only an intuition of mine, by now I think that blood-relationship is a subtle but powerful thing and since he's with his grandparents, that too will be on his side. Although as said, that's only an intuition of mine by now.

Stuff worth thinking about:

• If your nephew is going to be able to use Google/Facebook or whatever similar things are around when he's older, he'll be able to find his mother maybe without your or your parents involvement. There are good reasons for maintaining some contact between them so she doesn't become an unreal, rose tinted glasses version of herself in his mind. You'll need advice whether it should be supervised face to face contact, phone contact or letter based contact only. There are also good reasons for no contact for a bit but with a plan to revisit it before he's a teenager.

• There is hope for your sister if she can detach herself from her partner. There's a possibility she was behaving as she did because of his abuse of her. Pointing her at domestic abuse resources would be kind. But she will have to acknowledge she behaved badly towards her child and that might be too hard for her to do for some time.

• Some of the recommended things for Autism - eg. Applied Behavioural Analysis can look coercive and in historic variants explicitly included adversives to try to change children's behaviour. Do consider whether your sister might have had a genuine belief she was doing it right. Intention isn't everything and doesn't erase the consequences but is relevant to the risk she poses.

Caring for disabled children is hard* - sometimes people do snap (different from videoing abuse) - think about respite for your parents. Can you/they pay for someone to take him for a Saturday afternoon or something? Can he use wraparound care at school?

*Kinship care is the phrase you want when looking for help. The specialist charities will be able to point you at lawyers.