My sister has been hurting her son

Adoptive parent responding again after a gap since my first response, since when I have now caught up. For the record, I do not know the other adoptive parents who have responded, either IRL or on here. But I am posting in their defence and to strongly suggest to you that you keep your mind open to what they have said, and to what I am going to say.

I'm going to use an analogy. Most of us as women will recognise that whilst it's 'not all men' it is actually not a tiny minority of men who abuse women, it's a much larger number who are fundamentally misogynist and will - to some degree - hurt or abuse women. It doesn't help to think of men who hurt women as occasional monsters when they are not (all), because if you fail to understand the true nature of the problem you will never solve it. So it is here. We have the situation where your sister had an apparently normal upbringing in an apparently normal family environment yet X years later, this is what she has done. It's awful. It may be/probably is criminal. But that doesn't mean it's irrelevant to seek to understand it, and understanding is very much NOT the same as condoning.

Your nephew has the parents he has, including your sister. At the older age of 5 (and sadly it is old in this situation) his nervous system is already hard wired with the trauma baked in. It will affect him lifelong. But despite all of this... on some levels he will feel love and/or affinity for your sister. It is important to recognise this. I appreciate his autism complicates matters further but it remains highly likely that as he gets older he will struggle with multiple conflicting layers of feelings of shame, worthlessness... and grief and loss for his mother (possibly even her boyfriend). Being honest (age appropriately) with him is one thing but you and your parents will create further harm if you are not able to handle any nuance that may exist here, not just in reality but in his world.

You might wish to read "The Body Keeps the Score" to understand some of what I mean - this will be a generally useful read in this situation too.

Please do believe me when I say all of the following are true at once:

• your nephew has been terribly wronged and there is no excuse for what has been done to him
• If there was genuinely a way for his mother to reform, parent him properly and normally through to adulthood, evidence suggests this would give him better life chances than being taken into care. It seems highly, highly unlikely to happen in this case, so realistically the best option is where he is right now, but it's this knowledge which underpins much of what you've heard others say about support given to birth families. If birth families can be appropriately kept together, 'everyone wins' (relatively speaking)
• In the past, too many children were removed without good enough reason. Removal is itself a cause of further trauma, as (sadly) is adoption even where it is the least-bad option

From what you have said about the social worker involved, I think your parents would be best served by seeking specialist legal advice from lawyers experienced in the child protection field who have helped other kinship carers in potential SGO cases. Because of what I have said above, it is clear that in some situations a bias 'towards' birth parents can develop. Fundamentally your parents do not have parental responsibility and neither do you and this puts you (and nephew) in a vulnerable position. I think it best you seek legal advice as ensuring the LA are held to account may rely on it. They should also be able to advise on what help your parents should be getting/ pushing for so if you (as you have suggested) are able to contribute financially, this would be a good way to do so.

Again, I wish you all the very best.

Adoptive parent responding again after a gap since my first response, since when I have now caught up. For the record, I do not know the other adoptive parents who have responded, either IRL or on here. But I am posting in their defence and to strongly suggest to you that you keep your mind open to what they have said, and to what I am going to say.

I'm going to use an analogy. Most of us as women will recognise that whilst it's 'not all men' it is actually not a tiny minority of men who abuse women, it's a much larger number who are fundamentally misogynist and will - to some degree - hurt or abuse women. It doesn't help to think of men who hurt women as occasional monsters when they are not (all), because if you fail to understand the true nature of the problem you will never solve it. So it is here. We have the situation where your sister had an apparently normal upbringing in an apparently normal family environment yet X years later, this is what she has done. It's awful. It may be/probably is criminal. But that doesn't mean it's irrelevant to seek to understand it, and understanding is very much NOT the same as condoning.

Your nephew has the parents he has, including your sister. At the older age of 5 (and sadly it is old in this situation) his nervous system is already hard wired with the trauma baked in. It will affect him lifelong. But despite all of this... on some levels he will feel love and/or affinity for your sister. It is important to recognise this. I appreciate his autism complicates matters further but it remains highly likely that as he gets older he will struggle with multiple conflicting layers of feelings of shame, worthlessness... and grief and loss for his mother (possibly even her boyfriend). Being honest (age appropriately) with him is one thing but you and your parents will create further harm if you are not able to handle any nuance that may exist here, not just in reality but in his world.

You might wish to read "The Body Keeps the Score" to understand some of what I mean - this will be a generally useful read in this situation too.

Please do believe me when I say all of the following are true at once:

• your nephew has been terribly wronged and there is no excuse for what has been done to him
• If there was genuinely a way for his mother to reform, parent him properly and normally through to adulthood, evidence suggests this would give him better life chances than being taken into care. It seems highly, highly unlikely to happen in this case, so realistically the best option is where he is right now, but it's this knowledge which underpins much of what you've heard others say about support given to birth families. If birth families can be appropriately kept together, 'everyone wins' (relatively speaking)
• In the past, too many children were removed without good enough reason. Removal is itself a cause of further trauma, as (sadly) is adoption even where it is the least-bad option

From what you have said about the social worker involved, I think your parents would be best served by seeking specialist legal advice from lawyers experienced in the child protection field who have helped other kinship carers in potential SGO cases. Because of what I have said above, it is clear that in some situations a bias 'towards' birth parents can develop. Fundamentally your parents do not have parental responsibility and neither do you and this puts you (and nephew) in a vulnerable position. I think it best you seek legal advice as ensuring the LA are held to account may rely on it. They should also be able to advise on what help your parents should be getting/ pushing for so if you (as you have suggested) are able to contribute financially, this would be a good way to do so.

Again, I wish you all the very best.

Op you and your parents are amazing.
I have no advice but your dedication is really lovely to see. 💐
signed, one of three who ended up in care

I am so very sorry about this - poor little boy. I was going to say what someone else has already mentioned, about keeping notes. I have a book (my child is disabled with numerous things wrong so multiple appointments with a wide variety of professionals) and I keep a note of every appointment, date, time, what was said etc. I find it really helps to 1) keep a track of everything that is going on and 2) have it all in one place so I don't have to hunt around. I can also keep the book away from my child if necessary. Just a thought. Good luck to you all

There’s little to no point in trying to understand where this behaviour comes from, tempting though as it might be. A person would drive themself insane. What we know and what OP knows is that the behaviour of the little ones trusted parents was terrible.

@Kickpot
Neither arran or myself have offered excuses for child abuse
Both of us have spent years raising neglected and traumatised children and young people.
When your nephew asks questions in the future you will need more than just mummy was a bad person.
This weekend I had to tell my 22 year old that his birth mum had been found dead, do you think mum was a bad person who deserved to die alone from an overdose and not be found for 3 days would have been a good explanation for him?
I quite clearly said your sister has failed to protect her child- how is that excusing child abuse ?
I have suggested you get legal advice and given you a reputable website for families in your position, I get that you are hurting right now, but if you cannot see good advice, then there is nothing I can do.

@Kickpot

I am an adoptive parent and foster carer. Firstly @Arran2024 is an adoptive parent who I've known for several years.

This is a really difficult time for your family. I'm glad your nephew is safe- that is of course the priority. If you are worried about your dad and the financial situation, get the child benefit paid to them. It also sounds like your nephew might be eligible for DLA so do look into that.
I'd also suggest you look at the support groups for kinship carers. I'll post a link to a website for you.
I can see you are quite naturally struggling with why your sister has behaved like this. Nothing I say next is an attempt to excuse her behaviour.
Was your sister managing ok before this man moved in? Its not uncommon for abusive men to prey on vulnerable single mums. I've sat in meetings with the mum and 'step dads' of the children I have fostered and its been very clear that its the man who has had complete control over the household. I obviously have no idea if this is the case with your sister, but it is possible that she is also a victim of this man.
There are other possible scenarios, nothing excuses her behaviour, but having some insight into why, could be very important to your nephew in the future.
That said, she has failed in her primary duty to protect her child. In the long term, unless she accepts responsibility and ditches the man, she is unlikely to get custody. I would get legal advice though from a family lawyer.
This is an incredibly difficult situation, with a lot of complex emotions, nothing with be resolved any time soon, but this is the start of a long journey for you all.

@Kickpot how are you doing today hen? Any news from your mum, how is she doing? You’ve been in my thoughts, all of you.

Wow. I was trying to help.

Good luck to you :o