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Friends betrayal

105 replies

andromeburns · 17/10/2026 17:19

Hi I need some advice. I recently found out I have a younger sister. Basically when i was 4/5 mum had an affair and had another child. She gave the baby up for adoption and her and dad stayed together. My parents both died in the last five years and the ‘baby’ has found me on social media after getting her adoption details. We are both in our fifties and have messaged and met up once. Shes great and we are getting to know each other. Because both my parents are dead and we don’t know who her dad is there’s not really any one we can talk to about this and get more information. I don’t know if my grandparents knew but they are all dead and my uncle didn’t know. I recently told my oldest friend and it turns out she knew and has known for over thirty years (her cousin was close friends with my mum) I feel really betrayed by my friend as had I have known early I could have asked my mum/ dad or her cousin about it but now there’s no one to ask. (Her cousin died 3 years ago)I’ve known my friend since we were children and we have been close our entire lives. Am I right to feel betrayed by her? I don’t know if I can forgive her.

OP posts:
Notonmyland · 20/10/2026 16:14

Bit of a proper lip wobble time for you.
Such a huge thing to have been kept secret from you, but I can sort of understand why.
You can't be angry with your parents because they're not here, but you probably should be a bit cross with them. Shouting at gravestones is probably not the done thing, but writing it all down gets it out of your system and helps you understand what your thoughts are as you write it down.
Burn the letter afterwards, but use it to clear your head.

I can see that you might feel quite a bit alone and hurt. I hope you can work through your feelings.

Treehorns · 20/10/2026 16:20

Honestly OP i think your friend was put in a difficult position.
Enjoy your sister.
Don't punish your friend for your mothers affair.
That is really not fair.
Your friend was a teenage and she was told something that she had nothing to do with.

In a similar situation I think many wouldn't say a word.

Blame your parents for never telling you, and no one else.

If you were my friend and you started taking your upset out on me, I wouldn't be impressed.

Best of luck.

researchers3 · 20/10/2026 16:24

TheDr46 · 17/10/2026 18:05

The burden your friend must have felt, carrying this for all these years. She probably wanted to tell you but her hands were tied. You’ve got every right to feel upset and but I doubt very much this is a betrayal on the traditional sense. There would have been no good time for her to tell you this without some fall out. Friendship of over 30 years is worth holding on tight to.

Totally agree with this. Impossible situation for her to be in.

ginasevern · 20/10/2026 16:26

Aluna · 20/10/2026 16:01

You seem to have the wrong end of the stick. I’m not saying she’s complicit in the mother’s betrayal of her husband, I’m saying she’s complicit in the mother’s betrayal of her daughter by not telling her she had a sister.

I wouldn’t expect her to say anything as a teen, but as it became clear the mother intended to continue her deception into adulthood and beyond, that’s where the line should have been drawn.

Show quote history

OK but I still disagree. The secret wasn't hers to share, the deed itself or the complexities thereof had nothing to do with her and it wasn't even her family. It's also a great big huge explosive thing which as a teenager probably didn't register so much. But as the years rolled by and she became an adult the enormity would've become more apparent. She was stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's very well known that the messenger almost always gets shot. Alternatively, as the years progressed she may (like all of us) got busy living her own life. It really is most unfair to say she was complicit with the mother. Especially as it wasn't even the mother that told her! She heard it third hand. For all she knew it might not have even been true, or the baby died, or it was malicious gossip.

Dillydallyplumpie · 20/10/2026 17:56

andromeburns · 17/10/2026 17:19

Hi I need some advice. I recently found out I have a younger sister. Basically when i was 4/5 mum had an affair and had another child. She gave the baby up for adoption and her and dad stayed together. My parents both died in the last five years and the ‘baby’ has found me on social media after getting her adoption details. We are both in our fifties and have messaged and met up once. Shes great and we are getting to know each other. Because both my parents are dead and we don’t know who her dad is there’s not really any one we can talk to about this and get more information. I don’t know if my grandparents knew but they are all dead and my uncle didn’t know. I recently told my oldest friend and it turns out she knew and has known for over thirty years (her cousin was close friends with my mum) I feel really betrayed by my friend as had I have known early I could have asked my mum/ dad or her cousin about it but now there’s no one to ask. (Her cousin died 3 years ago)I’ve known my friend since we were children and we have been close our entire lives. Am I right to feel betrayed by her? I don’t know if I can forgive her.

Personally I dont think it was her place to tell you. But glad you have met your sister now.

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