I just don’t want to do secret Santa!

Some people don't want to have to say that they have financial issues. It's insensitive to refuse to do it when someone suggests it. You can just buy people stuff on another day.. They aren't suggesting it for no reason. Have you ever talked to her privately to ask her thoughts on why she prefers it?

Well you’ve had plenty of different ideas here, it’s up to you whether you actually do any of them or not now or just carry on with the thread 🤷‍♀️.

What are you giving SIL and BIL as presents currently ? So we can judge if she’s doing this for financial reasons or she’s trying to put a stop to receiving things they don’t want (especially if you keep insisting that you don’t spend much on these gifts).

Personally we have reverted to Secret Santa for fancy consumables for the adults in our family group - we all tend to buy what we want/need throughout the year, so giving for giving sake just create junk unless we put limits on it - ie one gift that can be eaten/drunk.

Presents off an approved list is a way to avoid waste.

If it’s in a group chat let those who want to do it and the rest of you do your own thing? Or is she the only one?

Same
Its a load of tat that no one wants
I would be perfectly happy with no presents

I agree with you, she can’t tell people who to buy for and what to do with their own money. I also agree the other conversations are better - price limits or no sibling and inlaw gifts (so you can still buy for parents and children but don’t need to do others), so something. I agree it’s all a bit miserable though.

She doesn’t have to ‘just suck it up’, she can just say ‘no’.

It's weird she keeps bringing it up but luckily for you it seems other family members also feel the same as you do so she'll have to just suck it up!

Gawd, who the heck can be bothered with all this buying presents for adults nonsense? Not your BIL that’s for sure.

i do secret Santa with my family. 9 adults and a budget of £50. It was suggested and I wasn’t sure, I like buying presents and choosing something special but we’ve done this the last 5 years and now I wouldn’t change it. I still get to put loads of thought in and find that we’re all buying things that are more special. Last year DH and I got my dad and BIL and got them a joint present which went down well. It also stops people just buying tat for the sake of it!

For the nieces and nephews we just buy like we usually would so they still get presents from everyone. And the kids get presents for nan/grandad and small gifts for aunties and uncles so we do end up buying something for everyone just not on the big scale we used to!

The best solution would seem to be to agree with your SiL that you two (couples) won't buy for each other.
You can continue to seek out and buy your wonderful presents for the parents generation and the other sibling, and the SiL can make their own arrangement with the other sibling as to what they do between themselves.

With the cost of living crisis at the moment I don’t blame your SIL. It’s so expensive.
we started only buying for kids and now we are down to one secret Santa, it’s saved an absolute fortune and honestly stopped us getting loads of crap we don’t need.

I think it’s more cba to think of presents than money tbh!

and what's wrong with that ?
I LOVE the fact we have all but stopped getting present for extended family, after years of hours upon hours of shopping, wrapping, stress, knowing people are just being polite when opening them and don't really want them, and receiving things I don't want so are just a waste of other people's money and time.

Christmas is SO much more 'joyful' now we have all that stress removed, and can just spend the time with people we love, relaxing, or going out and doing things together.

So is it really ‘AIBU to suggest secret Santa to my in-laws because I don’t want to expand energy on my husband’s family, and he won’t do it himself’?

So just leave them out of the present giving. She is possibly making a point (good for her tbh) and your BIL either genuinely doesn’t care, or will get a rude awakening when he gets nothing.

She might have her Christmas energy already used up on her own family, and asking to do the in-laws as well is just a step too far? How often do we read on here ‘don’t buy in-law cards/presents, that’s your husband’s job’?

She is asking to not participate. Go with that, buy her something if you want to but with the crystal clear expectation of absolutely nothing in return. Or don’t get her anything. She probably just wants her husband to deal with his own family.

Agree then buy her a horse tail butt plug. She won’t ask again.

Do what I did 20 years ago and tell everyone you aren't buying for adults. Unless your relatives are poverty stricken, very few people really need the thing you buy them. Sometimes they don't even want it and it sits at the back of a cupboard. All this angst, exhaustion and money just to potentially add to landfill or child labour somewhere. The whole thing has become fucking stupid. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas. I like the food, the wine the company, the lights but I do not need another present.

Christmas means different things to people

I am much more try to meet up with everyone I care about and spend time with them

i hate trying to buy gifts and I hate even more having to open stuff I don’t want - it makes me really sad - tearful at times- that people have spent time and money so wastefully. I still dread the secret Santa but it’s only one gift. Christmas isn’t gifts to me. It’s family, friends , food , parties ,

SiL and I have always enjoyed bargain hunting and years ago , when we were skint with young children, set a very low budget limit for adult presents. It was enough for a few books from a charity shop, or something pretty from a boot sale. It worked for us, we knew each other's tastes well enough, and meant we could pick something appropriate, and do the Christmassy thing of having something to wrap. We started extending it to the DC, they would get a pre-agreed amount of cash plus something inexpensive to open, maybe vintage comics for older ones or poseable figures or small bags of lego for younger ones. For pre-school children , it's really easy to find secondhand bargains in good condition, and they don't know or care .
So if it's possible that money is the issue, you could suggest something like that. If the issue is not money, then suggest she can get everyone giftcards and you can carry on choosing for people as you see fit.

I’m team ‘buy your own shite’ and team ‘let’s set aside some time and have a fabulous meal and game of Monopoly (cheating allowed)’.

Team ‘no pressure’.