Apologies as long
My 18 year old DS has just started a specialist college placement after 4 years out of school, due to ASD/OCD. He loves the college and seems happy there, but obviously has lost years of experience of socialising with other kids.
He came home earlier in the week, very upset. During a break, he was reading on his own and some other students (he doesn’t know how old but thinks about 17 or 18) were talking about how many girls they were having sex with but in very offensive language. They asked DS if he had a girlfriend and he said no, and that he didn’t believe they were sleeping with that many girls.
One of them (let’s call him A) then got out his phone and showed DS a video of him and a girl having sex.
Earlier in the day a citizenship lesson had discussed immigration issues. A is Irish and started talking about how hated his people were and how people want to see them kicked out of the country. DS (stupidly, and not really understanding that sarcasm doesn’t always land) did an impression of Nigel Farage and said (in what he thought was a Farage voice) ‘as it should be’.
He meant it as a joke, but it just didn’t land at all and unfortunately A thought he was serious. According to DS, A just exploded. He was incredibly angry and yelling at DS that he was going to beat him up, and that he was going to get 20 men who he knew, to beat up DS outside college and that the only reason he wasn’t beating DS up at that moment is because he knew why he was at that college (i.e ASD). DS tried to explain that he was taking the mickey out of people who hate immigrants and didn’t think his people should be kicked out, and hadn’t meant to upset him. But DS said that he was so angry that he didn’t listen just kept shouting & then left the room.
A presumably complained about DS, as then the Safeguarding lead asked to speak to DS to explain his side of the story. He did and said the Safeguarding lead was very nice and explained that A was there as he had very serious anger issues so couldn’t be in a mainstream college.
The thing is, DS is now refusing to go back and said that he wants to change classes so he won’t be in the same class as A. He was also really nervous when I picked him up as he was genuinely worried that he might get beaten up by a group of A’s friends.
I contacted the college and spoke to the safeguarding lead who said she would ask about changing classes but wasn’t sure if it was possible (there are 3 classes in DS’s intake) but then said it would be good to set up a ‘restorative’ meeting where DS could apologise to A.
This doesn’t sit right with me, as although I have no problem with DS apologising for a badly thought out attempt at a joke, I think the threats of violence are much much worse and have really affected DS at a point where I’m trying desperately hard to reintegrate him into education. The safeguarding lead just glossed over them completely. I also don’t want DS to think that the anger and threats aren’t taken seriously as he needs to feel safe.
I also have serious concerns about the video - I don’t know how old A and the girl in the video are. Presumably over 16 but may not be over 18 and I can’t get past how devastated the girl would feel if she knew A was showing random people that video.
I’m sorry to ask, but I’m Autistic myself and am not sure how to approach the college now. The whole thing feels like a safeguarding issue that isn’t really being taken seriously. They need to address A’s threats anger & threats of violence and I’m really concerned about the video but DS didn’t tell them and doesn’t want me to.
Any advice very gratefully received 🙏