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18 year old son threatened with violence after making stupid joke - not sure how to approach college

37 replies

MrsToddsShortcut · 25/09/2026 19:25

Apologies as long

My 18 year old DS has just started a specialist college placement after 4 years out of school, due to ASD/OCD. He loves the college and seems happy there, but obviously has lost years of experience of socialising with other kids.

He came home earlier in the week, very upset. During a break, he was reading on his own and some other students (he doesn’t know how old but thinks about 17 or 18) were talking about how many girls they were having sex with but in very offensive language. They asked DS if he had a girlfriend and he said no, and that he didn’t believe they were sleeping with that many girls.
One of them (let’s call him A) then got out his phone and showed DS a video of him and a girl having sex.

Earlier in the day a citizenship lesson had discussed immigration issues. A is Irish and started talking about how hated his people were and how people want to see them kicked out of the country. DS (stupidly, and not really understanding that sarcasm doesn’t always land) did an impression of Nigel Farage and said (in what he thought was a Farage voice) ‘as it should be’.

He meant it as a joke, but it just didn’t land at all and unfortunately A thought he was serious. According to DS, A just exploded. He was incredibly angry and yelling at DS that he was going to beat him up, and that he was going to get 20 men who he knew, to beat up DS outside college and that the only reason he wasn’t beating DS up at that moment is because he knew why he was at that college (i.e ASD). DS tried to explain that he was taking the mickey out of people who hate immigrants and didn’t think his people should be kicked out, and hadn’t meant to upset him. But DS said that he was so angry that he didn’t listen just kept shouting & then left the room.

A presumably complained about DS, as then the Safeguarding lead asked to speak to DS to explain his side of the story. He did and said the Safeguarding lead was very nice and explained that A was there as he had very serious anger issues so couldn’t be in a mainstream college.

The thing is, DS is now refusing to go back and said that he wants to change classes so he won’t be in the same class as A. He was also really nervous when I picked him up as he was genuinely worried that he might get beaten up by a group of A’s friends.

I contacted the college and spoke to the safeguarding lead who said she would ask about changing classes but wasn’t sure if it was possible (there are 3 classes in DS’s intake) but then said it would be good to set up a ‘restorative’ meeting where DS could apologise to A.

This doesn’t sit right with me, as although I have no problem with DS apologising for a badly thought out attempt at a joke, I think the threats of violence are much much worse and have really affected DS at a point where I’m trying desperately hard to reintegrate him into education. The safeguarding lead just glossed over them completely. I also don’t want DS to think that the anger and threats aren’t taken seriously as he needs to feel safe.

I also have serious concerns about the video - I don’t know how old A and the girl in the video are. Presumably over 16 but may not be over 18 and I can’t get past how devastated the girl would feel if she knew A was showing random people that video.

I’m sorry to ask, but I’m Autistic myself and am not sure how to approach the college now. The whole thing feels like a safeguarding issue that isn’t really being taken seriously. They need to address A’s threats anger & threats of violence and I’m really concerned about the video but DS didn’t tell them and doesn’t want me to.

Any advice very gratefully received 🙏

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AvengingAngle · Yesterday 18:39

Some kind of mediation is a good idea in principle but it needs to be on the basis that both your son and A. were at fault here (albeit with mitigating circumstances) and both need to be apologising.

The sex video should be dealt with as a separate safeguarding issue.

grinandslothit · Yesterday 18:34

MrsToddsShortcut · Yesterday 16:21

Grinandslothit I’ve done none of the things you’ve suggested in your last post, because I’m not racist and I’m a responsible parent trying my best, in the face of a local authority who ignored my endless begging for help for three and a half years before offering six months maths tutoring for 3 hours a week.

It would have been great to do home tutoring but as a lone parent of two ASD kids (the other is much more severely autistic, and their Dad died years ago) I wasn’t in a position to give up my minimum wage job and plunge us completely into poverty. That’s why I asked for advice in the first place. And of course I’ve always challenged anything my kids have said that’s offensive or discriminatory in any way.

Believe me, I wish with all my heart that we weren’t in the middle of a cost of living and SEND crisis and I wasn’t at the mercy of other people’s help so much, and I sincerely hope that your life is better, but there we are.

You, however, seem gleefully amused at the idea that I might be either ignoring offensive/racist jokes at home, while also ignoring my son’s lack of education. Topped off with a laughing emoji.

Why? If you think any of that is a possibility, why in the name of God, do you find it even remotely amusing? It’s not - far from it.

What on earth is wrong with you?

To everyone else on the thread who has answered seriously, thoughtfully and with the intention of challenging and helping, I’m genuinely grateful.

I’ll probably ask for this to be deleted - not for any other reason that when it gets to the point that posters start laughing at the ‘hilarity’ of my imagined home life, it stops being helpful and starts adding to my already significant stress levels.

You asked what is wrong with me
I am an adult who is disabled with autism ADHD and controlled OCD who is also deaf. Sometimes I say things that may come across wrong

I wasn't talking about home tutoring I was talking about having conversations about life skills at home taught by you
He was home for 4 years so you just went to work and he just stayed home and did what?
I do wish you and your son well. I have found that once the disabled person reaches adulthood that nobody really cares about us anymore somehow we are just an inconvenience to others I don't know what the answer is for your son but it just sounds like he needs someone on one guidance from you like a list of things that are appropriate and not I don't know what to suggest I'm not an educator but I do understand lists and things that are concrete because yes we are trying to grasp cues of how to behave in society so we can at least get along

Original poster
MrsToddsShortcut · Yesterday 16:21

Grinandslothit I’ve done none of the things you’ve suggested in your last post, because I’m not racist and I’m a responsible parent trying my best, in the face of a local authority who ignored my endless begging for help for three and a half years before offering six months maths tutoring for 3 hours a week.

It would have been great to do home tutoring but as a lone parent of two ASD kids (the other is much more severely autistic, and their Dad died years ago) I wasn’t in a position to give up my minimum wage job and plunge us completely into poverty. That’s why I asked for advice in the first place. And of course I’ve always challenged anything my kids have said that’s offensive or discriminatory in any way.

Believe me, I wish with all my heart that we weren’t in the middle of a cost of living and SEND crisis and I wasn’t at the mercy of other people’s help so much, and I sincerely hope that your life is better, but there we are.

You, however, seem gleefully amused at the idea that I might be either ignoring offensive/racist jokes at home, while also ignoring my son’s lack of education. Topped off with a laughing emoji.

Why? If you think any of that is a possibility, why in the name of God, do you find it even remotely amusing? It’s not - far from it.

What on earth is wrong with you?

To everyone else on the thread who has answered seriously, thoughtfully and with the intention of challenging and helping, I’m genuinely grateful.

I’ll probably ask for this to be deleted - not for any other reason that when it gets to the point that posters start laughing at the ‘hilarity’ of my imagined home life, it stops being helpful and starts adding to my already significant stress levels.

OP posts:
grinandslothit · Yesterday 13:40

Blushingm · Yesterday 13:17

You keep saying your son didn’t understand what he was saying? Does he say things like this at home and you all laugh? Because it’s your responsibility to have educated him on what is acceptable to say and what isn’t. If you say he has a developmental delay then it’s much more important to keep what is acceptable at home the same as what is acceptable in the wider community so as not to confuse him

Agree you have to wonder what is being taught at home if anything at all

I think some of the parents opt out of doing anything because it's easy but they end up coddling them especially the boys

She mentioned him being out of school for 4 years well what was going on during those four years did he just sit in his bedroom and game. I reckon they didn't have him locked in a tiny cage or something 🤣

Blushingm · Yesterday 13:17

You keep saying your son didn’t understand what he was saying? Does he say things like this at home and you all laugh? Because it’s your responsibility to have educated him on what is acceptable to say and what isn’t. If you say he has a developmental delay then it’s much more important to keep what is acceptable at home the same as what is acceptable in the wider community so as not to confuse him

likelysuspect · Yesterday 06:29

Im a bit sick of violent people/kids being described as vulnerable.

Ohthatsabitshit · Yesterday 01:42

Your son should apologise. Racism is exhausting and pervasive and we don’t need anyone to tolerate it. He misjudged the situation but he still needs to apologise.

The threats of violence need to be reported and dealt with. I’d let it be in school (presuming you have an email trail) unless it escalates in which case call the police.

The video is by far the most concerning aspect and I think you need to involve safeguarding. A young woman is being treated appallingly. Stand up and protect her.

CherryBlossom321 · Yesterday 01:21

Threats of violence should be reported to the police.

grinandslothit · Yesterday 00:57

MrsToddsShortcut · 25/09/2026 22:36

Lonelycrab I think if an adult had been in the room, that might well have happened. From what DS told me, A was in such a heightened state of anger/dysregulation, that I genuinely don’t think he could even hear DS.

Your son and the other guy are also adults

Original poster
MrsToddsShortcut · 25/09/2026 23:08

TheBossofMe Well yes. I attribute blame to DS for making a racist remark. I attribute blame to A for threatening to get 20 men outside the college to beat the shit out of my son.

Neither action is okay. Both actions took place because there were two students, both with differing vulnerabilities, in the same place at the same time.

DS has a cognitive impairment and developmental delays that mean he didn’t entirely understand that what he said was racist (because he thought he was being sarcastic about people who are anti-immigration). It’s not a defence, it was a bloody stupid thing to say, but it’s an explanation.

A has extreme anger issues. He was triggered by a racist remark and reacted with extreme anger and extreme threats that were completely inappropriate. It’s not a defence, but it’s an explanation.

DS was absolutely wrong to make that remark and A wasn’t wrong to be angry. But angry isn’t threatening 20 men outside the college gates. Both of them need support with this.

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Original poster
MrsToddsShortcut · 25/09/2026 22:48

LIZS I completely agree no information should have been disclosed - nevertheless, it was.

it’s okay, I think I said upthread that I wasn’t going to pursue the video (but I do think A is making himself very vulnerable with what he’s doing which makes me feel deeply sad for him and all the other kids growing up in this porn addled world)

No, DS hasn’t been excluded. They were very understanding and nice according to DS. It seems they accepted that it was a deeply misjudged comment but that although it was racist, it wasn’t the intent so I think they’re working with that because of his autism and his extremely delayed experience of socialisation. Obviously if it happens again, it might be different, but that’s my stuff to work on with him.

My hope is that we can meet on Monday, DS can apologise and explain, hopefully A can reassure DS that he won’t actually beat him up and DS will learn a big lesson from it.

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TheBossOfMe · 25/09/2026 22:46

MrsToddsShortcut · 25/09/2026 22:36

Lonelycrab I think if an adult had been in the room, that might well have happened. From what DS told me, A was in such a heightened state of anger/dysregulation, that I genuinely don’t think he could even hear DS.

Which your DS caused by making an extremely offensive comment.

TheBossOfMe · 25/09/2026 22:45

"DS has some cognitive impairments and A has a history that’s led him to respond with extreme anger to difficult situations". Read that back to yourself and understand how you're attributing blame.

Original poster
MrsToddsShortcut · 25/09/2026 22:36

Lonelycrab I think if an adult had been in the room, that might well have happened. From what DS told me, A was in such a heightened state of anger/dysregulation, that I genuinely don’t think he could even hear DS.

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LIZS · 25/09/2026 22:34

A could have anger issues and other needs, none of which should be disclosed to your ds or you. His interpretation fi the comment may be as black and white thinking as your ds’s. Absolutely report the sex video and threats. To police if you feel college is minimising, However there may be worse repercussions if this is investigated further and that could negatively affect your ds. Has your ds been excluded? Can he avoid A until they move on to another student?

Original poster
MrsToddsShortcut · 25/09/2026 22:31

Blushing Completejy agreed.

Unfortunately, when the Safeguarding lead met with my son after the event, she did in fact tell DS that A was there as he’s not ASD but has really severe anger issues so they had to take him. That’s how DS knew. I think she was probably trying to provide some context for DS but I’ll make sure DS knows that A’s history is his own business and DS absolutely shouldn’t talk about it to others.

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Lonelycrab · 25/09/2026 22:28

Blushingm · 25/09/2026 22:22

Jokes can be racist and offensive. Just because someone finds something funny doesn’t mean it won’t upset someone else.

Show quote history

Of course, so you apologise, and explain which I think it sounds like what happened.

If threats remain after that, esp when the child making the “joke” (sounds pretty obvious that it was from the ops description) is autistic, then really A should back down and accept that, not threaten violence.

And if violence is pursued once a sincere and genuine apology has been made, that to me, is bullying and a far more serious thing than the original “joke”

imo.

Blushingm · 25/09/2026 22:22

Lonelycrab · 25/09/2026 22:17

Also - your son was racist

No, a joke is a joke which is obviously the situation in this case, however ill judged that might be.

My family do this thing all the time, take the piss out of racists and racism by mocking or impersonating them. Some aren’t going to get that joke (can see why that might be ofc) but the original intention is not racism;it’s the opposite.

I can see how this could be misunderstood though, but after an apology or explanation this should be clear, and if after that is done there are still threats of violence then the problem is imo on the other child/adult.

Edited
Show quote history

Jokes can be racist and offensive. Just because someone finds something funny doesn’t mean it won’t upset someone else.

Original poster
MrsToddsShortcut · 25/09/2026 22:21

Frogs If it’s come across as me wanting the book thrown at this kid while DS gets off Scot free, then I’m sorry - it really isn’t what I think.

I think that A is really vulnerable by definition - he wouldn’t be there otherwise. He’s obviously there because mainstream settings weren’t able to manage/contain his anger which has clearly caused significant problems for him. And he’s obviously also experienced racism about being Irish which is utterly crap and I feel sick that DS has contributed to that and will make sure DS knows that. The irony is that DS’s Dad was Irish and DS is half Irish. Maybe he could tell him that after he’s apologised.

They probably are both being handled lightly as opposed to a mainstream setting. I think there’s an understanding that DS has some cognitive impairments and A has a history that’s led him to respond with extreme anger to difficult situations. Hopefully I/the college can deal with DS in a way which he will understand and take on board what he’s done (and learn not to even attempt humour unless it’s a) actually funny and b) not going to hurt someone and c) not bloody racist/sexist/homophobic/anti-semitic/transphobic/otherwise offensive)

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Lonelycrab · 25/09/2026 22:17

Blushingm · 25/09/2026 22:06

I’m not sure the safeguarding lead would be able to give out information about A such as anger issues and excluded for mainstream - that’s confidential information surely?

Also - your son was racist - whether he mean it or not, A was understandably upset because of your sons behaviour - would you allow that sort of ‘joke’ at home?

I think you’re minimising your DS behaviour

Also - your son was racist

No, a joke is a joke which is obviously the situation in this case, however ill judged that might be.

My family do this thing all the time, take the piss out of racists and racism by mocking or impersonating them. Some aren’t going to get that joke (can see why that might be ofc) but the original intention is not racism;it’s the opposite.

I can see how this could be misunderstood though, but after an apology or explanation this should be clear, and if after that is done there are still threats of violence then the problem is imo on the other child/adult.

likelysuspect · 25/09/2026 22:11

Threats of violence and harm area always going to be far worse than verbal racism (even though I dont agree that this was racism but lets say it was)

But in modern society we have changed that around.

Both boys are going to have their troubles engaging safetly with society unfortunately.

Blushingm · 25/09/2026 22:06

I’m not sure the safeguarding lead would be able to give out information about A such as anger issues and excluded for mainstream - that’s confidential information surely?

Also - your son was racist - whether he mean it or not, A was understandably upset because of your sons behaviour - would you allow that sort of ‘joke’ at home?

I think you’re minimising your DS behaviour

FrogsAtDawn · 25/09/2026 22:01

If he wants to stay at the college then I wouldn’t be trying to push this any further. Try to get him into the other class and tell him to stay away from him. You are expecting allowances for your son’s behaviour that was inappropriate, but the other boy also has problems to the extent he’s in a specialist setting. Both are being handled lightly IMO, probably due to the setting/the children’s backgrounds.

Lonelycrab · 25/09/2026 22:01

Really sad to read this thread and how this has panned out. My son is 14 and autistic too and this is the stuff I worry about to put it mildly.

I’ve asked a very dear friend who is an extremely experienced safeguarding lead at a huge secondary. Will pass on what she says, it’s Friday night so might take a little while.

Original poster
MrsToddsShortcut · 25/09/2026 21:41

Bloody hell, that’s seriously depressing. DD was in an all girls special school and DS has been out of school for four years so I had no idea it was so bad. It makes me feel so sad for all the kids that they think this is what they should be doing.

I absolutely don’t want to make this situation worse. DS loves the college and the staff are fantastic with autistic students and really seem to work with them to help them develop life skills and move forward. DS is actually a nice kid at heart - I’m sure A is too - but he needs to understand the boundaries around being with other people and knowing what’s okay and what isn’t and he needs to be in the world to do that.

We have a meeting on Monday so I hope that we can resolve things by DS apologising and explaining, A doing the same re the threats then maybe moving DS to one of the other classes so they’re not in each others space too much.

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