Devastated as a result of physical/emotional affair

Ignore these people OP. You haven’t come on to be dealt the sword of justice by sanctimonious strangers. Listen to the people who are offering constructive advice. Basically, the first five or so posts.

Many people have suicidal thoughts without progressing to suicidal intention but seeing as we never truly know how people on social media are feeling in real life, I’d prefer to encourage people to seek support. People can unwittingly cause harm to themselves because of impulsive behaviour and the OP does seem to be on an emotional rollercoaster at the moment and isn’t thinking clearly.

@Hopeless23 Please, please get some counselling asap, suicide is never the answer although it can feel like an option, please know that your childrens lives will be better having you in them, particularly once you get well. You wrote that " Up until a year ago, it was a very happy marriage and I can say hand on heart that I had never so much as flirted with another man. Our life together has always been cosy, safe and content. Nothing was missing."...at some point you will need to unpick this as there is a reason the affair happened,something WAS obviously missing and its fairly likely there is something underneath, perhaps something from your childhood that you are trying to replay by going down the route of an affair. Once you have support from someone with professional expertise then you can see what your next steps should be in terms of whether or not to tell your husband.

OP also explore why you mentioned being rock bottom when you aren’t. Betrayed people DO hit rock bottom. It’s is the most awful thing to watch a loved one hit rock bottom due to her / his abusive cheating spouse. Cheating is abuse. Read ‘why does he do that’ cheats are abusers. They don’t believe in consent. They put people’s fertility and sexual health at risk. Gaslighting, lying to a spouses face. Creating distance. Putting your time and energy into the lying toad of another man. Abuse.

You made a series of decisions and don’t like what that makes you. Did you use rock bottom to garner sympathy? To get a less hard time? You are unlikely to like the consequences of your decisions. The fact you are a liar, cheat, who pretends to have values that you clearly don’t have.

At present you have a lovely husband and some shitty cheat who sends you kibbles to boost your ego over your phone. Why have you allowed yourself to have extra over and above what you promised when you made vows? What lies did you tell yourself? Why do you deserve ‘more’ ( I actually believe you have had less, as you cannot be genuine with your spouse while cheating)?

Cheats often talk about hitting rock bottom as a way to avoid accountability for their poor decisions. My sympathy lies with his wife and your husband. I hope they find honesty and peace.

You do seem to be able to articulate the steps of what happened. You may be able to work out why you betrayed your own vows and what traits you possess that allowed you to do this. What lies you told yourself about why this was okay. What ‘lines’ you fell for.

But I still think you should tell the betrayed parties. Your husband deserves to know who he married and make an informed decision as to whether to remain married to you / avoid sex with you for fear of getting an std.

The following books are worth reading.
Not Just friends.
How to help my spouse heal from my affair.
Cheating in a nutshell by Mitchell.

‘Love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Ravikant is great for anyone reading this who is truly at rock bottom. The exercises are very simple and can be done even if you are struggling daily.

@LuckyPeachTraybake i am sorry you find yourself in this shitty situation. I hope you find peace. Look after yourself.

I'm actually in your husbands shoes now having found out my wife has had an affair a couple of weeks ago.

If you want my opinion you need to tell him as it will all come out anyway and the fallout will be much bigger. My wife didn't tell me or admit anything until I rang the other guy (which was a pretty traumatic experience to be honest).

Maybe he will forgive you, maybe he won't. He deserves to know what he's married to.

When you tell him I'd own it fully rather than trying to justify it, play it down or play the victim.

By the sounds of it neither your husband, nor your kids deserve this so you need to be better for them and yourself even if he does leave.

Alongside owning it, working out why you've allowed it to happen is probably the most important thing so you can make sure it doesn't happen again, you might need help from a therapist to do so.

Despite all of the above, you don't seem like a horrible person as you seem to show some remorse. You've just done some horrible things.

I feel the same about my wife to be honest and shes taken the whole thing a lot worse than I have and is in a pretty dark place. I think there is a possibility I could forgive her but at the moment I wouldn't trust her to hand me a glass of water.

I agree.

Op tell your husband today and the other man’s wife. I can guarantee when you are both scrabbling around to keep your marriages the affair bubble will burst quickly. He will sack off his ‘love’ for you quickly when his wife finds out. He will be on his knees begging her to stay and saying how you tricked him/blackmailed him/persued him. He is a middle aged cliche. About as attractive as dog sick.

How can you believe a word this bloke says? He’s a proven liar that doesn’t allow his wife to consent to being in a none monogamous marriage. He loves you - yeh right - he likes the feelings you give him. The push pull. The fact you want him and expect very little from him - you don’t even expect him to be honest and faithful! He is putting her at risk of STDs. Cheating causes PISD in the betrayed. How unattractive.

You need to work out what allowed you to betray your husband and step outside the values you claim to have. A counsellor who doesn’t believe in ‘unmet’ needs is a good start.

But shining a light on what you have done is the best way to kill dead your attraction to this man.

The OP definitely read as though you were actively suicidal. It’s obviously good that you aren’t at rock bottom, but you also shouldn’t misuse that kind of sentiment. That doesn’t sit right with me.

If you genuinely don’t want to continue this, the only thing you can do is block and choose to move on. However disappointing it is to be where you are now, there are also two other people who are feeling rejected and unfulfilled as their partners are cheating on them. Think of your children and whether it’s worth it. How you are now must also be affecting how present you are at home and your mood?

Your getting off lightly here

if a man cheats he’s a piece of shit

if a woman cheats she’s been bad but it’s ok because she’s been targeted blah blah

you cheated on your husband no excuse

Could have been someone else — limerence is a helluva drug.

I think @OMGDidYouSayThat is saying it’s not right to call it a mistake because it was intentional. I think a mistake is always intentional, but that doesn’t stop it being a mistake.

I think they’re agreeing with you

@Hopeless23 Sorry OP I think you should tell your husband. You didn’t just have a random on night stand this has been going on for a while. And you admit you’re obsessed with this man. Hopefully your husband loves you enough to eventually forgive and you both can move past this.

With respect, until you have completely blocked this man and removed him from your life to the maximum extent possible, yes, we do need to keep reminding you.

You know you need to stop this now. If you’re too weak to block him, then you need to tell your husband straight away, to bring this to a head. Is that what you prefer?

She did have better. She didn’t choose him

You’re thinking of an accident. A mistake is different.

An accident is something that happens to you. A mistake is something you make. By definition, it requires intentional action on your part.

Did you recently post about this? Apologies if it wasn’t you, it was an identical situation. It ended up with pages full of pp telling OP to cut contact with OM, only to be met with excuses as to why OP couldn’t/wouldn’t/didn’t want to do it.

If you want to save your family, it is the ONLY option. Your feelings shouldn’t take priority over the wellbeing of your children. It’s hard, but you’ll get through it.

I’m sorry but you need to tell your husband. It’ll come out eventually and will hurt him even more that you’ve lied by omission for so long.

I'm pleased you have said that you are not feeling suicidal. No matter how hurt your husband and family may be from the fallout of your affair is nothing compared to if they lost you to suicide.

Block this man. Today. Avoid him at the school gate. It is an addiction like any other. Find something else to give you that dopamine hit. Exercise is one pretty positive option.
His attention was filling a gap. Loneliness, connection. So figure out a healthier way to fill that gap. Take up a hobby. Invest more time and care with your friends. And communicate with your husband.
Remember that first ick feeling this man gave you. That is who he is. He wore you down. What a sleaze. You deserve better than a sleazy cheesy guy.

Keep well away from this man and concentrate on your husband and children. It's easy to take the moral high ground and say the op should tell all and destroy her family. How does it help the situation to tell her husband now? He would be devastated they would almost certainly split up, the children would be shunted from one to the other with shared custody. If she has finished with the man and realised what a terrible mistake she has made leave it be, she will still have to live with the guilt.

And I would say the same if it was a man who was genuinely devastated by what he had done.

He’s a player @Hopeless23 and he is enjoying playing mind games to feed his ego, this won’t be his first rodeo nor his last. It feeds his ego and makes him feel like he’s irresistible and he is probably messaging someone else to start to his cat and mouse game with and keep you as back up. You need to block him and sort your head out, it’s just an act for him and he is cruel with no feelings towards you or any others he ensnares.

It’s the tradition of help boards that you centre the OP, @WhatTheHellsGoingOn, and try to help them with their life. Not a moral crusade in line with your own outrage, necessarily.

I’m sure her husband, who she admitted gave her a loving, safe environment pre-affair would be cursing her for ruining the newborn phase in retrospect when he finds out - but he’s presumably not being offered that option as I haven’t read many posts advising the OP to come clean and give him some autonomy in this situation. Unbelievable that few ppl are considering him in all this OR the AP’s WIFE.