Devastated as a result of physical/emotional affair

This

as usual these threads are full of excuses. It’s hormones, it’s his fault. And advice to keep it secret.

your husband has been deceived. You have behaved badly. He has the right to know

👏👍🏻 quite

I feel rather sorry for OP but the number of posters on here basically saying that it's not her fault, it's all him and the OP has absolutely no agency in the matter and she was "targeted" or "love bombed" or my favourite, "postpartum hormone shifts" is fucking ridiculous

Did you go back to you're husband and did you ever tell him about the affair?

OP, please read what I’m about to tell you.

I have been in your exact situation. He was the one who cut it off completely in the end. And my god, I regret every day not being the one to end it because it would feel so much better than it does when they do it to you. Trust me on this - if YOU end it, you won’t be torturing yourself months down the line wondering why. If you end it, you’re in control of the situation and your feelings.

This was two years ago now for me. I’m not saying I no longer miss him, or that I don’t think about him every live long day, but I no longer need him to make me happy.

It gets better but it takes time. I KNOW how hard it must feel to cut things off - but it will feel a whole lot better if YOU are the one who makes that decision.

Your best chance at saving your marriage (if that is indeed what you want to do) is to write this man a message telling him in no uncertain terms that you made a huge mistake, that you love your husband, and you want nothing whatsoever to do with him. Then you block him.

This serves the dual purpose of getting him out of your life (as far as possible) but also documenting for your husband (when he finds out) that you were the driving force in ending it, which will mean a lot to him (hopefully enough).

There was a post here a few weeks ago about similar circumstances. The advice on that post was to block this man and avoid any contact with him. I’d advise you to do the same.

It’s up to you whether you tell your husband but before you tell him, you need to be aware it may well be the end of your marriage. You’re also running the risk of this man’s wife finding out and telling your DH.

Since your affair partner is a fellow school parent, it makes the situation more precarious with regards your DH finding out, unless you tell him before someone else does.

You need counselling to help you work through this and/or the support of a very close friend or family member.

Get an std test. Protected or not you need one, you don't know him at all. Also, if you are still sleeping with your husband you are putting him at risk.

You will get people on here telling you not to tell your husband but he deserves to know. He deserves autonomy over his own life. Whilst you continue to keep this secret you continue loving on the selfish space at your husband has no idea what kind of marriage he has. He deserves to be able to make informed decisions about his life.

Only when you realise what you could lose will you pull yourself out of this.

Also, get some therapy if you can to work out how you allowed yourself here. You have written this as some love story which shows you are still in the fog of the affair but the reality is he pursued a married woman whilst being married himself , went cold once you had sex and is now keeping you warm on the side incase he wants sex again. You are risking your family for this reality.

I haven't read all the replies but I read enough. So OP comes on here has done wrong (owns up to that fair enough) but then gives it the whole suicide card etc and talks about hormones and suddenly PP's show what comes across as sympathy. I do hope that whatever happens after all of this everything works out well as OP has made a huge mistake but I'm sorry if this was a man doing this then Mumsnet would have the pitchforks out at the ready. So many double standards on here.

OP you have 2 choices, you either fess up to your DH and deal with the consequences or you don't but either way staying intouch with this man isn't going to end well for anyone. These things have a habit of coming out eventually.

OP you need to see this man for who he is. He is harmful to you and your marriage. If you are 'addicted' find a support group for addicts.

Why is he able to supply the things you need and not your husband?

Of course you're not, that's ridiculous.
You just a perfectly normal human being who has made a mistake.
Take the drama out of it, and don't listen to people who think they have a right to judge you.

@Hopeless23

"I am aware that I am a piece of shit, nobody on here needs to remind me of that fact."

You are not. You made a mistake. I would say this if you were a man or a woman. Anyone can make a mistake.

Whether or nit it ir right, yet, to tell your husband is something for yoi to decide. Preferably, with the help of a counsellor.

Again, I would say this if you were a man or a woman.

These things happen, OP, so don't beat yourself up about it.
But.....Block this man, and stop seeing him.
And you must absolutely not tell your husband - why would you want to hurt him? You have to keep this all to yourself, and learn to put it behind you.

I think the biggest problem you now have is that you've clearly fallen for this man, from experience 'you've likely moved on emotionally' so the likelihood of you being able to slot back into your marriage and be happy and guilt free again is slim to none, unfortunately that's the power of the mind. I tend to agree with what most people are saying, it's time to fess up.

Tell us honestly: are you actually secretly hoping to blow up your marriage?

You’ve already lost your mind. Going cold turkey is how you get it back.

Like any drug addiction you need to go cold turkey.

I'd be surprised if it doesn't blow up at some point and the fall out be much worse.

Had my wife told me what was going on (even after being asked directly numerous times) we'd only have the affair to deal with, privately.

I ended up finding out through my family, her family now knows, various friends know as a result so now, we're dealing with the affair, the betrayal/ deceit, she's dealing with crippling shame and I'm dealing with embarrassment. We're both worried about the kids finding out at some point too.

End of the day it's your choice but it's going to have consequences.

I think we all know the answer to that, if you read the comments on MN about women who cheat they generally lean a bit towards sympathy, if you read the comments where a man has cheated that tone is VERY different. Just for the record it doesn't matter who you are, what you are or where you're from...cheating has the same outcome, the hurt is no different.

If you are lucky enough to be one of those that's has managed to go though life without being cheated on then that's great, but, ask anyone who has been cheated on what their opinion is and it will rarely be sympathetic.

> feel like I will never be happy again, to the point that suicide feels like the only way out at the moment.

"But I'm not gonna stop, teehee!"

@Hopeless23

How would you feel about him if you found out he was seeing other school mums on the side and that you weren't the first mum he's slept with or even the only one right now?

This is really good advice. OP when you make your decision whether to tell your husband or not, factor in your affair partner and his wife. If he confesses, his wife could tell your husband. Is the truth better from you, or a version of the events from someone else? Do you honestly think your husband hasnt noticed any changes in behaviour from you?
This poster is right - you need to know why you didn't have effective boundaries in place. Because it was a series of decisions you made that allowed this to happen.
Please take a look at the surviving infidelity forum. There is advice for you on there that is invaluable, people that have been/are going through the same as you. Feeling shame won't help.
For what it's worth, my husband thought he had kept it secret, he hadn't. I had found out and I was waiting for him to tell me. He didn't. I demanded he went cold turkey with the woman, and hey presto he suddenly realised what a snake he had found .....
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/13/wayward-side/

The thing is, I really empathise with OP’s experience and how someone could end up here.

But can people please stop pretending that fearing the consequences of your own actions is comparable to being suicidal? Most people feel ‘I’d rather be dead than deal with this mess’ at some point in their life. That doesn't mean we should forget accountability and coddle. I would imagine that the people cheated on feel more devastated, helpless, betrayed, worthless etc. ‘If it was a man’….