Devastated as a result of physical/emotional affair

He needs (in fact you both) need to understand there is no "us"....never was and, unless you want to completely shatter 2 families, never will be.

I can’t believe it either. I’m sure OP’s husband will be blamed next

Jesus OP, this is bad. You don’t sound able to stop it. Nor him. Worse again, neither of you realise right now you have options, any slip up and options narrow and your level of choice/control goes (your husband/his wife getting tipped off for example).

I don’t know why but I think your marriage is doomed now. All this excitement and dizzy feelings are channelling to the wrong person. You’re damaging your marriage every second with your distraction. It’s so hard to fall back into the headspace you should be occupying with your husband. There is no way you are feeling close to two men at the same time. You’ve barely mentioned your husband.

this will not end well.

Also, his comment of wanting to protect you is giving me the rage. It’s so intimate to say that. So powerful to feel, so incredible to feel that someone is minding your very existence - but he isn’t. This is all a false spell.

it has to pop to stop and it will do damage when it does. Either with total public carnage OR nobody finds out and you have to then face back into your marriage with a huge secret and lie.

wishing you well & I hope there is a good outcome for you all. Maybe you are not so happy as you describe in your first five years of marriage and you can go through a big change and be ok xx

What does ‘work through it’ mean? Is he going to leave his wife and family? Do you want to break up your family? Because otherwise these are just meaningless platitudes. He is probably just as addicted to the highs and lows. The thought of losing this extra martial excitement is giving him the adrenaline and dopamine he craves. Remember that. It’s not you but what you represent. An escape from reality.

I think you will respect and like yourself a lot more if you take control of the situation and end it finally and block him. Walk away with a little respect and dignity and then work on yourself to understand the why. Once you have that you can make decisions about your own marriage

It's a couple of seconds and a couple of buttons to press. It's not hard, stop being so bloody selfish, just think about your children, your husband and the man's wife and children, how many more people do you want to hurt.

Do, or do not. There is no “try”.

You were told on what was 100% your other thread on this that the only way out of this ongoing emotional affair with the school dad after it stopped being physical was to cut him off and focus on your family, and that his attempts to remain in contact were a combination ego-stroke and to keep you sweet in case you blew up his marriage. This does not seem to have sunk in, you are still in the obsession and really need outside help in the form of therapy.

My kids dad had an affair and left. It was totally devastating but, honestly, I’m glad he did. I was still young, found someone else and in much happier. And coparenting is fine.

Please don’t allow this man to waste his life with you when you’re a liar and you’re cheating on him - give him back his agency to decide whether your sham of a marriage is one he wants to to salvage or whether he wants to find a woman who respects him whilst he is still young

But all the time that you spend talking to him and obsessing over the relationship is time that you aren't devoting to your children. Despite youur over-the-top language about how much you hate yourself, you are deliberately maintaining contact with your affair partner. Your posts on here are very performative and 'me me me'. You are putting your marriage at risk by not completely cutting off all contact with your affair partner which could lead to your marriage ending and you losing your children half the time. The situation is entirely in your hands.

Eh, so now you care about your kids? You're literally destroying their family, playing with their lives and doing awful things to their dad, I don't understand...

You need to wake up to the type of man he is. He sought you out, he flirted with you, he got some sex out of it and then he started to run hot and cold. Do you really think he spotted you in the playground and it was the first time he ever did this? He will have done it before and he will do it again many, many times. He likes having affairs and you have fucked up your life for him.

What you are doing to your husband is horrible so if you love him at all, you need to stop all contact with this other guy now. There is in no future in affair guy because neither of you actually like each other enough for that.

You do need to think about why you have risked your marriage, your time with your children, your finances, your home and your mental health all because you got a bit of attention from a player who gave you the ick.

You've been advised on here what to do . You just don't want to do it. You are an option for him. I know you probably think you are special but to a man like this you are a bit of a boost , a rush. He's maybe pulling back at times when he's under a bit of pressure at home. He may also be doing it because you are an option. You're not his number one. He's stalling to keep you on the back burner. The best thing you can do is escape from this hold before your life blows up. Block and delete his number. Sadly many of us have met men like this and if you are sensible and lucky you will escape relatively unscathed.

And how’s he going to do that? Leave his wife and kids, or is this more likely a load of guff which means absolutely nothing but sounds awww

You told him how you felt today and he says he wants to protect you. He's bored.
You're just a hobby for him, someone to text. He doesn't care about you and the things he says aren't true. You're wasting so much time and energy but I see how the contact is addictive. He's just good at saying what you want to hear. This kind of loser is ten a penny.
Is it possible you're bored too? From an intellectual point of view I'm sure you have tonnes of domestic tasks etc.

I doubt you’ll be able to get this AP out of your mind. You still sound obsessed with him and it’s only stopped because of his guilt. Your DH deserves better. Divorce him while he’s young enough to find someone else.

If I were you, I’d get your ducks in a row as they say and arrange a period of separation from your husband. Your marriage can’t be a happy one if you’ve done this. Realistically , who wants to live with the burden of open g forever you’ve cheated on your husband?

Also it’ll be better for the other wife too. She won’t see it that way at first but in the long run at least she will know what her husband has been doing. Then she can make an informed decision about whether to stay with him.

Do you expect this affair to continue forever OP or do you expect to end at some point?

If you feel so guilty you need to cut contact and block his number. The need for him will pass and then you can decide whether to tell your husband or not. This will cause an implode in your marriage though. He’s absolutely using you and you need to try and see through it

He’s using you for an ego boost and validation. He doesn’t love you. If he did he would either end his marriage and be with you regardless of the consequences or he would let you go and tell you to move on, knowing how much you are risking and how it is hurting you to be kept in this limbo.

Say you get what you want and he leaves his wife for you. You get all his attention. But for how long and what are you left with? A devastated husband, traumatised kids and a man you could never trust as he was willing and looking to cheat on his wife with you. The harsh truth is you are not special to him, you were just receptive to his advances. No matter his words, his actions tell you who he is.

You have enough self awareness to realise all this but you can’t emotionally detach from the dopamine hit. It’s really sad because one day you will wish you had nipped this in the bud before the full consequences were felt.

Good luck to you. You have all the information. Your choices are your own and you have to hold yourself accountable.

Oh dear, why even bother asking for advice, Zero remorse, Zero respect for your husband. It’s him i feel sorry for, how long do you think you can keep this up until the inevitable happens.

The reason he is still wanting to meet you is he is controlling you just incase you tell his wife - he’s made it obvious your not worth giving everything up for.

That doesn’t make it any better OP. You know you are in the wrong. An emotional affair is just as devastating as a physical affair. Do the right thing

At the end of the day you're choosing this infatuation over time with your own kids in the long run. It will get out if you carry on. It's that simple. And your husband will leave and you'll have your kids half of the time. And your affair partner will be nowhere to be seen! And you'll tell his wife in revenge and you still won't get him.

This played out at my daughter's school. The kids ended up being moved to a new school as the affair partner wouldn't shift and the dad refused to let his kids stay at the same school. Even at the new local school kids talked and the poor year 5 boy was subject to some horrific comments from playground taunts.

That is what you're choosing for your own kids.

And the reason you told the guy all this is you want him to comfort you and reassure you; and off you go again on your merry go round.

It's shit, I've been in a push pull of an intense situation. BUT you have to block and get through the next hour and the next and the next. Anything else fine, but don't pretend you're just swept up in it and can't possibly walk away. At least own the decisions you're making.

That’s alright then ! Physical affair over, emotional affair ongoing with no intention of stopping.