Would you still allow the overseas trip after missed homework and lying?

Perfectly put

even if you go with her, why spend thousands of pounds (and annual leave if you work) facilitating a romantic relationship for a 14 year old with someone they primarily interact with online? Unwise at best.

Unsurprising that even a private school have raised eyebrows!

Yes, this, You are hiding behind the school's official position, OP. I absolutely work with my 14-year-old DS's school, also, but I don't let its official stance on missing a few hours of classes dictate my parenting decisions. If I wanted my DS to go on a trip that would involve missing half a day of school, because he'd dealt well with what sounds like an insanely rigid and demanding schedule for a child who has recently had major surgery and did some impressive charity fundraising while not fully recovered, he'd go, regardless.

No I gave her the criteria because I knew it would be what the school would look at. I was trying to give her guidance regarding what she needed to be careful of. I would also add that I would not have asked the school for permission had I not wanted her to go. I was hoping they would see it in the round but they didn't.

So are you saying that this isn't a blanket set of absence criteria? That had your daughter been doing more of her homework the school would have been fine with her missing half a day of classes? Are you comfortable with hiding behind the school as fellow-parent?

I also find it deeply weird that you say her fund-raising after her big surgery 'got her a lot of recognition with the school' too. You sound as if you think the school is more important than anything, and you seem to be letting it do your parenting for you.

I think the holiday encouraging a relationship with a 14 year old a 10 hour flight away is nuts.

I think the conditions you attached were nuts.

I think allowing the school's authorisation to make your parenting decision is nuts.

I think planning to send her straight to school after a 10 hour international flight is nuts.

I assume this is a private school because no state school would ever have authorised this holiday, no matter how much homework she had done.

It should be your judgement as her parent to say "actually, she's done really well, tried really hard, this is great experience for her and she can easily catch up on the 2 lessons she'll miss". If that's what you think.

However you don't seem to have much confidence in your decisions, second guessing yourself about the conditions you set and accepting the school's "no".

It will be a standard letter. Legally she should be in school. But a couple of hours is a couple of hours. You decide.

Both you and the school sound unreasonably rigid. When you make a child scared to tell the truth for fear of the consequences, you create a liar.

It's obvious that you are hiding behind the schools lack of permission.

I think you've been truly unkind to set such onerous conditions for your 14 yo, have her work so hard and do so well, only to break your deal on a technicality.

How much pressure is your DD under, both from school and you?

I. could not agree more

I think you have handled it fine.
I would be addressing the lying though because it’s not a great coping strategy and she needs to be able to say she isn’t coping etc and ask for help which I am sure she would get from school or parents

My 14 year old would not be going on holiday with a boyfriend full stop. Sending a child to the other side of the world for such a holiday is madness.

Presumably she could just come back a day earlier though?

But tbh I doubt I’d be encouraging the relationship given her age and the distance.

What you could do @Atatotallossagain is say that you will take her in the next longer holidays (if they are still together) as she did so well with most of it. Instead of loads of targets, you could suggest that she work on her homework planning/phone discipline since it has cost her this time. That way it gives her something nice to look towards while acknowledging what’s just happened (given school have said no to this time I mean).

edited for typos/missed sentence

She must be incredibly privileged if you can just afford that trip for this reason, in which case you can afford any fine the school give for being late or missing a day, or surely there are flights back another day, so the reason for a no seems a bit arbitrary. I think you’re setting her up a bit for failure in her needing to 100% overcome difficulties of her ND or she loses out. The punishment just seems a bit disproportionate. Does she get any extra support or coaching for her nd? Though tbh no way I would’ve agreed to this originally so I wouldn’t be sad for a reason to back track

Is it not possible to shorten the trip by a day?

What I would say is that she's doing really well. Life sounds hard. You need to keep her on track and - crucially - have her come out the other end liking herself. Arguably you shouldn't have promised a large reward like this but she has done most of what was asked and presumably has time to get back on track in your eyes even if not the school's. It is a huge punishment for a relatively small slip that you have to help her correct anyway. Where is the motivation for her to correct it? She can't do anything right seemingly.

By the way, teenagers lie. It's just life. If you punish for every lie she's not going to be leaving the house for the next 4 years.

Honestly this must be BS absolutely no one parents this way. If they do then they are the problem.

I would still take her. I would reply to the school saying that I understand their concerns, but I’m willing to accept what I believe will be the minor academic impacts of missing half a day of school, for the social and confidence benefits that this trip will likely give my neurodivergent child.

It’s not just a fun thing for her, it’s something that could be great for her confidence and happiness based on what you’ve said about the influence of this boy. It sounds to me like she’s done extraordinarily well so far. You’re right that the lying and the sanctions are not good, but I’m not sure denying her something like this is the best way to address that

This

Yes you must let her go.

Your conditions were OTT and extremely unreasonable for a 14yo. She's proved herself to be an achiever already. She's probably only lied because she feels she can't meet your standards.

‘Extra angst’? Are you confused about how schools work? You’re sounding odder and odder about all this, as if you’re letting the school be the family authority figure, and as if you’re afraid of the school. They can’t ‘refuse permission’ for a child to go on holiday at half term, and if there’s a flight delay or cancellation that would mean a child missed a few hours of school the first day back, they’d just have to deal.

If it was always a half term family trip, have you now cancelled it for everyone?

I wondered that too

From what you’ve said I assume she’s at a private school. What are they going to do if she turns up late. I assume your fees are worth more to them..
Life is too short. If it’s good for her mental health, confidence, will help her at school in the long run I’d go. As long as she’s hitting approx 96% attendance overall this won’t impact her.

It really is odd to travel so far to visit someone you barely know. You say you have met and like him, if presumably only virtually, but you would be putting both your dd and yourself at risk of things not being as he has promised. Have you spoken to his wider family? Do you know the country/area? School saying no may prove a blessing and buy more time to plan a trip less hastily. It is good for your dd to have a positive influence in her life but encourage her to take it more slowly.