AIBU to ask friends for support during severe health flare-ups?

I'm with all the other PP here suggesting that what you are hoping to get from others is unreasonable. There are many women suffering from endometriosis in all kinds of situations, many undoubtedly with less physical support around them than you have. That doesn't mean your pain should be dismissed; it merely means that you need to find a better way to self-manage it. That may be by demanding your health professionals do something different. You have said that you "don't qualify" for some of the things recommended for endo and that you have had some surgery for it. We don't know how old you are or how extensive the endometriosis is, or whether the pain is somewhat predictable (i.e. linked to your periods or other stress factors), but I would echo others' advice to seek out specialist groups for support both during a painful flare and otherwise. I suffered from endometriosis for years and the people around me were helpless, not because they didn't love me or want to "soothe" me. They saw me suffering, but knew that they couldn't make it "all better", so either tried to minimise it (thinking that was helping) or by distracting me with things (such as those you say your partner or parents often do). I can't see how your partner or parents can really do much more. They're not a mind reader and your distress is most likely causing them distress. They're doing the best they can by taking care of your children and your house while you ride out the pain.

If you still see your (useless) partner during child handovers, that implies he is capable of looking after the child. If your flare ups are 2-4 times a year for 4-5 days at a time, then he should be looking after the child fully during these periods, at his place. That would be one less thing for you to worry about. It can’t be good for your child to see you in so much pain, so would benefit them too.

You can't ask your friends to be scaffolding for you OP. Especially since there will never be an end in sight and likely to be a regular thing. Chronic pain is hard to navigate and probably something you'll have to pay for to help.

I think most of us would like someone else to take over, tuck us up in bed and deal with everything and I can especially understand it when ill or in pain. Sadly we don't have villages anymore. Life is a grind for most people who just don't have the resources to sooth someone on a regular basis. It's a shame.

Sorry you're suffering though, endo looks like it properly sucks.

It's not about not being willing. It's not something I would want, so it's not something that would feel comfortable for me to do.

I think it’s fine to make this request of your parents, possibly a sibling, but not friends.

I have various disabilities and experience dreadfully painful flare ups where I am completely immobilised. I have to nurse myself through these. They can last a few hours of my feeling like I have been set on fire. Waves of pain and I can’t move. I might share it with close friends afterwards but it would be horrible for them to witness it and be trying to calm me/soothe me.

I think you are asking too much, sorry.

I agree with this. If you have a chronic condition, yet you’re spending your time supporting other people at the expense of your own time and energy, you’re doing yourself a disservice and possibly making your illness worse.

I really do sympathise @Endo33 - I had major surgery earlier this year, and I’ve been shocked to discover how the pain and recovery has left me so low emotionally, even when things are improving. However, I can see that’s too much for family and friends to deal with, so I’ve started counselling (through my employer) to talk through my feelings about it all - would you be able to access anything like that?

Regarding your parents wanting you ‘hiding away’ while they look after your child, I’d assume that’s to avoid your DC seeing you suffering. I know my DD found my illness and ongoing recovery upsetting, and I tried to present my ‘best self’ when I was spending time with her. You are lucky to have your parents available to help with the practical side, even if you wish they could be more ‘parental’ while looking after you.

I think what you're really asking is for someone to love and nurture you the way you love and nurture the people in your life but that's not really something friends can provide and the way you've expressed that need is likely to put people off.

As much as your friends may love you, they have their own lives and while I could probably commiserate with you over the phone if we were friends, I would not be in a position to drop everything to soothe you in person 4 to 5 times a year.

When I read your earlier posts my first thoughts were that this isnt really the type of thing to ask a friend. By all means you could see if someone can watch your child, pick up some shopping but not come in, take charge and “soothe” you. I was going to suggest looking into care agency or nursing agency staff you could call to provide this care when you have a flare up. After reading some of the more recent replies however, you have said that really you’d just like someone to ask how you are and make a cup of tea- this doesn’t sound unreasonable at all- I’m wondering (and sorry if I missed it) have you actually had an open conversation with your current family support? You could acknowledge that they don’t like to see you in pain, but also let them know that there are some really small things they could do which would be a great comfort/help to you? (Be as open as you can about what you need).
I also wonder if you can make yourself up an emergency grab bag type thing, so you don’t need to have to think through what you need in the midst of a flare up- maybe pack your meds, heat patches, any other items you can use to comfort yourself (non perishable snacks like sweets or chocolate?) maybe also a big flask of water with the timings on it to remind you to drink).

I think the message you put in the first post would come across as very intense and a bit dramatic.
From the rest of your posts that’s actually doing you a disservice and you don’t actually want anything unreasonable.

Like @BoldnessReborn says I’d focus on individual relationships and send them specific messages (or have a chat in person when you’re feeling well).
I’d happily go to my best friend’s house if I knew it was something she wanted (lots of people want to be left alone when they feel ill so I think it’s fine to say you’d like company).
I probably would be more comfortable being ‘soothing’ or a bit bossy about taking care of her because our relationship is really close.
You probably know who you have that relationship with or which friends have a personality where they’d be comfortable with it.

It sounds like both your parents and ex-partner struggle with the emotional support but do offer practical support. That’s not a rejection or them not caring about you, some people just aren’t good at it or show they care in different ways. Some people are also just really uncomfortable around people who are in pain and don’t react very well.
It’s rubbish for you that you don’t have someone close to you who is good at the emotional side, and I don’t think you’re unreasonable to message a friend when you feel rubbish if you feel like you need a type of support they can’t offer (I’d just send a more casual one off message, rather than a message to loads of people asking for ongoing and quite a high level of care).

I think the initial message also sounds like you’re expecting the person to do a lot and it’s unclear how often this is expected and sounds like a big commitment (I’m a nurse and it sounded like a pretty intense caring commitment!)
If what you actually want is just for someone to come round and be kind to you then I think you’d probably be better saying that.

From a practical point of view I’d set up everything you need when you are well. I have chronic migraines and I make sure I always have the things I need (medication, cold masks/heat pads, cola and salty crisps etc) ready so if I am really bad then I don’t have to think about it. In your position I’d have a timetable of when to take medication as well (breakthrough pain is much harder to get on top of, and it can be more effective to stagger different types of analgesics. But that’s hard to remember or manage when you’re in a lot of pain so having a chart that says ‘co-codemol at 8am, ibuprofen or naproxen at 10am’ etc can be really helpful)

I agree with this. Friends and fam would do this naturally if the relationships are a certain way. But this is not something you can conjour whenever urgently needed. Carer is likely the way to go here?

If its that painful and infrequent then you should go to A&E when it happens who will then refer you to the gynae ward who will keep you in and on morphine and anti-spasmodic medication until it's subsided. If it happens a few times they will sometimes arrange for you to have stronger painkillers at home. I am speaking from experience and was encouraged to do the same thing whenever it reoccurs.

Sorry I couldn’t do better
I mean you do only go through labour a few times usually, going through the same pain every week for 18 MONTHS got a bit wearing funnily so yes I was crying, mooing, shouting in pain
my bowel was folded in half

I am sorry to hear that you struggle sometimes and I mean that but I would not be up for this.
picking some shopping up? Yep
quick run round with the hoover? Yep
drop off a batch of spaghetti Bol? Yep

sit and soothe you and tell you it’s all going to be ok??? Absolutely not. You are an adult and it sounds like you have experienced this enough to know it will pass so what is with the soothe me thing?

That message is far too demanding. It's asking people with busy lives of their own to prioritise you and not at any point do you say anything like 'I'd really appreciate it if' or 'I'd be hugely grateful'. There's no please or thank you. No acknowledgement of what other people might be dropping to support you. TBH health condition or no health condition, if I got this message I'd be disinclined to help because you sound very demanding.

Needs to be rephrased as a polite request, with gratitude for any help offered. And again, health condition or no health condition, you can't expect what amounts to unpaid care work from your friends.

I too have debilitating chronic pain conditions. When a flare up is bad, it's torture and I'm bed bound... But receiving this message would make me cross. You are asking someone to baby you. Do you also have mental health issues?
You need the message to be more practical - can I call on you for support when needed and I am incapacitated? Not them telling you to drink, take meds etc you need to take responsibility for yourself.
Also, naproxen is not going to do much. Ask for something stronger for the flare ups. Have you looked at getting prescription medical cannabis? It's life changing - and legal, before anyone starts.

TBH "soothing" is the last thing I'd want. Someone patronising me as if going there there and patting me will help? Leave me alone! If they're doing some cleaning and taking the DC, even if they do sometimes have a question, that sounds amazing to me.

For that reason, my "care" of someone else is turning up to help. I'd get them a drink etc and make myself busy, I don't really know where I'd start with soothing.

Soothing others might come naturally to you but it has a cost - the time and energy you don’t spend on and with other loved ones and time and energy you don’t spend on yourself. Also it exposes this big gap between the care you give out and the care you get back in return. On top of this, the psychological pain you experience as a result of this can contribute massively to your physical pain.

Come on now, OP. Are you really upset that your parents are asking where things are in your house, whether your child can be fed, to stop your child from having a tantrum? Surely you know that’s unreasonable of you. It sounds like you want other people to take all your responsibilities - for you and for your child and home - off of you when these flares happen. Sorry, but nobody gets to do that. Nobody. I’ve had a friend going through chemo and radio while holding down a job and making funeral arrangements for her dad while her husband travels for work and her children sit GCSEs. It’s time to knuckle down and be adult about this. This is why childhood is so precious: it’s the only time we get to be free of responsibilities! You’re not a child anymore. You have to look after yourself now.