AIBU to ask friends for support during severe health flare-ups?

you do so much for us

Maybe you should just focus on you?

I have a condition that causes chronic pain and flare ups are hard. I sort of get what you want. You basically want your mum to come give you a hug and tell you it will all be ok etc. We all want that when we're sick.

You won't get it. It's unreasonable and unrealistic.

So a cup of tea and a brow mop will make you feel better and the pain go away?
Its almost a natural instinct to want to be alone in that sort of pain, I find it so odd you want your friends and family to sit and watch you in agony knowing theres nothing they can do. Who does that help?
Watching a loved one in pain is horrible, why would you want that for them? And why do you need reminded to take medication etc its jsut all a bit odd tbh.

She expects soothing

They just act like adults tbh. I find all this a bit pathetic really and odd
Ive been in indescribable pain and the last thing I wanted was someone to make me a cup of tea and have a chat. I was in the foetal position and honestly wishing for death so I find it a bit difficult to imagine youre in that much pain but want your friends round to give you some attention.
I honestly think theres an element of depression here and likely anxiety, which is unfortunately normal in prolonged illness BUT you do need to get on with things and sort a way to make this better. You actually have a brilliant level of support which many people dont but you're expecting a handhold and a sympathetic gaze?

Same here!

OP- I’m single (and as previously stated have endo too). We have to support ourselves. There is no other choice.

Please reach out to your local BSGE Trust’s endometriosis nurse and explain how you are feeling and see if they can advise/sign post you to any available support or resources.

And just because a chronically ill person is married/in a relationship doesn’t mean they are receiving 24/7 support from that person.

I'm not partnered up. I have multiple shit conditions and I look after myself because that's life as an adult.

Adults and children aren't the same. They don't have the same needs. Of course children need more support. There is nothing 'sad' about treating adults and children differently. It's how the real world works.

Letting people in is not the same as expecting those around you to look after you.

I have chronic conditions myself. It's shit. I feel shit. But I'm not a child and I get on with it because I'm not going to expect others to take on my challenges - they've got enough going on.

I have endometriosis too, so totally understand how debilitating and paralysing this condition is. I have spent years being medically gaslit by health professionals and even family and friends who don’t understand the severity of the condition.

But unfortunately, you need to “take charge” of your own life when you’re in a severe flare up.

If you are unable to take your medication and eat/drink without prompting then you need professional clinical support. It is unfair to put this responsibility on a friend or family member.

Your friends aren't there to compensate for a lack of partner. It would be completely unreasonable for them to be expected to be.

But children need telling to do things like drinking water, help taking their tablets, help getting into and staying in bed. You know those things, you don’t need an adult role playing it for you. That’s what I’m not understanding.

I can only imagine the pain you go through (I’ve only had small-ish cysts burst and honestly I thought I was going to end up in A&E), but what you’re looking for from others is going to be difficult to get as an adult. Realistically it would be something more fit for a partner.

I think you need to unpick and separate several things here.
(1) It would appear that you have a history of not "letting people in" if a therapist told you that's something you need to work on. What does that mean to you? How does "letting people in" to your life look like to you?
(2) If a therapist was telling you to "own your feelings and needs" then it would appear that you have had a need to break a cycle of codependency and accept that you are ultimately responsible for identifying, validating and communicating what you feel and what you require, not expecting others to be mind readers or responsible for how you are feeling. If you look at what you are wanting and feel you need from others when you are in pain, do you see these "wants" as being something that empowers you and has you assert personal autonomy or as something that is perhaps looking outside yourself for a solution?
(3) Your endometriosis diagnosis is fairly new and scary and horrible. Can you separate out your fears about it from any pragmatic steps you need to take to deal with it and get it properly treated?
(4) What do you mean by you've had now "pages" (by that I assume you mean lots and lots of MN responders) telling you that you "had it right in the first place"? What behaviours have you been trying to "fix" or deal with through therapy that you think PP here are telling you are fine?

We do that with children because they are not yet mature enough to be able to do it themselves. Their brains haven’t reached that physical stage yet.

There is a difference between owning your feelings and letting people in, and wanting to be treated like a child.

Owning your feelings and letting people in is meeting up with a friend and saying “I’m struggling today, can we chat”. It’s not putting together an on-call rota for someone to remind you to take painkillers.

I think you need to work on this side of things. Terminology like self soothing isn't great for your state of mind. It's infantilising yourself which will feed into your perception that you need looking after.

If a friend was in pain or ill I'd have no problem dropping off food, painkillers etc but if they asked me to soothe them I'd definitely have an issue with that. I'm not a trained therapist and my friends aren't children.

You keep switching between calling him your partner/husband then saying you're not together?

Anyway, I have massive sympathy for your pain, I have friends with endo and I find the lack of understanding and medical support absolutely shocking. I still don't think you can send a group message out asking your friends to be there to mother you when you send out an SOS. That's a lot of pressure.

So what you're really saying is 'my partner is selfish and useless, but rather than getting rid of him, I'm asking all of you to step up in his place'?

OP I mean this with genuine kindness, but this request is crazy. Debilitating pain is absolutely awful, and I wonder if perhaps you need to work on the impact it's having on your mental health. I absolutely hate to use the words "resilient" as I think it conjours up all sorts of misoginisc biases especially in a condition regarding women's health, however you seem to lack any real perspective at the moment, and I really think for the sake of your mental health this needs to be worked on. Your parents are helping in the way they feel able, and whilst not perfect it's much more than nothing. If your partner can't provide the nurturing side you need, then that's something you either have to accept or change your circumstances regarding his position in your life.
Its OK to reach out to friends and offload how you are really struggling and just how shitty you feel, but it's just not appropriate to ask for that type of input from people, and "wallowing" is just counter productive and unhealthy.

I absolutely sympathise and I really really don't want to sound harsh in any way, I just can't think of how else to phrase it, because I genuinely think you will feel better emotionally at least if you snap out of this mindset.... It's just not doing you any good at all, and in chronic pain the impact of mental health is significant.

What did your therapist actually suggest? Seeing your friends regularly to have fun and build social interactions? That’s fine.

If she has actually suggested texting lots of friends a generic message asking them to be in a pool of people prepared to pitch up and remind you to drink and to mop your brow then I think she’s giving some seriously shite advice.