AIBU to ask friends for support during severe health flare-ups?

What would be the point in OP asking if it’s appropriate if we all just said
”do as you like”?

Well, yes - which is why I wrote IMO.

Of course OP can do what she wants but I do think she also needs to be aware of the potential consequences of that choice - which is that many people (as evidenced on this thread) would find it a very odd request and would possibly distance themselves as a result.

I think the childhood you had was very unusual - being sent to provide emotional support to ailing (dying?) aunts and uncles while your parents provided practical support. Nobody I know would put their child in such a role. It’s no wonder you feel a deep debt of care there that you long to have repaid. I hope that you can find some peace in the therapy. It will help you manage with the endo And develop friendships that let you have fun and discover who you are on the non Endo days, and that in itself will help build your resilience to carry you through the bad days.

In your opinion. As an adult, it’s the OP’s decision whether or not to reach out. And those asked to help are free to say no, as is an adult’s prerogative.

Neither is appropriate imo. OP is an adult and shouldn’t be asking people to come and take care of her as though she was a small child.

I disagree. Asking them in person puts them on the spot. A text gives them time and space to reflect on it.

Good luck, OP 💐

But again, a miscarriage, just like someone in end of life care, is very different to a flare up. It’s final.

Also FWIW as someone who’s been there, if you’ve separated from an ex addict, keep it that way. Addicts are unfortunately notoriously selfish (not all, of course), you’ll never get what you need from him.

I'm not going to address any of the points multiple other people have. I'm not sure if this has been said yet though: your ex husband is a useless twat, and it's no wonder you feel in need of comfort, seeing as the one person you should have been able to go to has been spectacularly useless. Please don't get back together with that waste of space

I’m sorry, but as someone with MS, I find this really odd. Friends are not substitute partners, parents, nurses, or carers. Asking a friend for help during a bad flare is one thing; sending out an SOS rota asking people to come over, take charge of you, make you take medication, make you drink water, soothe you and manage the situation is quite another. That is a huge amount of responsibility to casually hand to friends because the people actually closest to you aren’t doing it. I would be deeply uncomfortable receiving a message like this. If you need that level of hands-on care during flares, I think the answer is to work out an actual care plan, not quietly recruit your friends into one.

As an endo sufferer...your parents come over and look after your child...honestly, you don't know how lucky you are.

I have severe endo and am unable to work. I have a toddler. When my OH is away I look after my toddler alone. Even on my period.

Yes it is very nice to have someone stroke your hair and say there there, but honestly you are v lucky to have this kind of support.

Having said that - if thw pain is that bad go to A&E. Very severe pain is an emergency in itself. Don't expect much sympathy, but you may get some pain relief. Ask for a referral to an endometriosis or pelvic pain clinic. And / or a pain specialist for better pain relief.

Get therapy. Learn to nurture and care for your inner child. What you are asking for is well beyond what is reasonable.

Why on earth aren't you eligible for the pill, mirena coil or medical menopause? These are cheap therapies.

I'm so sorry OP. That sounds really scary. I hope you've found good advice in this thread that will help you.

What do you expect your GP to do?

I am very sorry that you are going through a tough time. I think when you are a caring person and a ‘fixer’ for others, it would seems ‘fair’ to you, that you get the same level back.You’re there for everyone, they should be there for you. But in reality, people have so much going on in their own lives these days that they can’t always help everyone they want to.
I’m currently looking after elderly parents, an elderly uncle with no family, holding down a full time job, supporting friends with various issues and trying to deal with my own life. It feels impossible. If a friend asked me to go round and comfort them on a regular basis, I personally couldn’t do it (but would also feel bad that I couldn’t). Honestly if one more person asks me for something I’ll implode. But from the outside, I’m the fixer, the do-er and the one to go to for help and help with people’s problems who makes everything in their stride. Underneath I’m about to crack. I think a lot of people are in the same boat these days. I wonder if your friends and family can also be in similar situations. I know you always want to be treated how you treat others but the reality is that it's not always the case and not because people don’t want to, but because they can’t mentally take anything else on.
I think if you need regular help every day for medication and for some company and for someone to make you a cup of tea and give you some positivity for half an hour, I would pay a care company to come round and give you that without relying on friends and family - so the f&f can be there for you, but not in an overly involved way. I am a single person and that is what I would do. I’ve often thought if I was ill, what would I do and I would pay someone to come and help me rather than rely on my friends and family.
I do hope that you find a solution. Lots of people have offered lots of different advice and viewpoints. Very helpful to see so many different ideas and I hope that you get some solace from so many people offering up suggestions.

shudder

Honestly I think the issue here is that you add a script to a task.

You can reach out and ask for your partner, parents, friends etc to make you a cup of tea, that’s not an issue for anyone I imagine. It’s the “tell me I’ll be okay” that’s off putting.

If it helps at all, you can set Alexa to call an emergency contact when you ask if your concern is about not being able to call for help. I set it up for my elderly mum in case she fell.

A lot of the help you want from your friends is the kind of help a parent would provide for a sick child - not for a capable adult. I also think the kind of help you're asking for would be massively off-putting for a lot of people so it's not something they're ever going to be comfortable providing.

When I'm sick, I don't want to see anyone. I would absolutely hate it if someone came over to make me soup or pass me the remote - I don't even want DH making me a coffee!

As a PP said, have a drawer by your bed that has everything you need in it - bottled water, tablets, phone charger, heat pads etc. Set your phone to have emergency contacts that can be called at the touch of a button.

For many adults, "support" means practical help - so, childcare, walking the dog, picking up prescriptions, popping to the shops - not coming over to "soothe" another adult and remind them to take their tablets or drink enough water. You need to adjust your expectations from those of a child to those of a grown, capable woman.

Spot on.
I think the really iffy thing in OP’s original proposal is that it puts her friends horribly on the spot, making clear that she expects X, Y,and Z, and they have to respond, whereas it involves only vaguely sketched issues they cant easily commit to even if they might be willing.
But her position is clear, all the same: a substantial service is required.
Should they refuse, that failed transaction will hover over both parties for good, tainting the friendship.
It is an ungenerous request to make, because it is inevitable that the act of making it involves plonking guilt on reluctant friends.

Ask your therapist to teach you things like mindfulness, how to evoke the relaxation response, and techniques for stress management, all of which help with pain. Have they referred you for possible medication management of your panic during your flares

Seriously.
Or just be an adult....