AIBU to ask friends for support during severe health flare-ups?

As someone living alone, no partner, no family nearby but with a chronic illness and under six different clinics for management, I wouldn't send out a message like that. You have a partner, get them to step up or get rid.

To be honest I'd not respond well to your message. I'd be thinking you are not a child, I'm not willing to essentially parent you like you are one. I do understand to a certain extent, I've got endometriosis and sometimes I do just want to be looked after and crave emotional warmth, but I'm an adult and I have children to care for so I need to look after myself. I can let things go in the house a little and do online shops.
If you really can't manage the physical tasks ask for help with specific things, but do it with an explanation that you're in pain and are struggling. If I had your text reminding me of your chronic condition and telling me you need someone to take charge and reassure you I'd be thinking you're being very dramatic and needy, it would possibly put me off contacting you to offer assistance or check in. I know that sounds harsh but emotional labour is draining and a lot of us are running on empty.
I've provided the support you want when people have had serious MH crisis and when they've been through bereavement and I've done it unasked. I provide it for my children. I don't want to give that much to someone who is coming over as dramatic, it would make me feel they don't really need it and the demand of it would just have me in dread. That may just be me based on my personal experience, but I know my experience isn't unique so I won't be the only one.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, I think rather than send a message along those lines you should talk to these friends in person so you can gauge their response. I think your message comes across as though they’re being recruited for a job. I would start by just talking to them about what’s going on explaining you’re a bit isolated and without the right support - see what they say.

I think as pp have said people generally are willing to give practical support rather than emotional/caring support. There's something about asking to be soothed, it's almost intimate and really the preserve of a partner or close family rather than friends. Having said that it's completely miserable to be unwell and feel that no one really cares. A different way of thinking about it would be to see practical support as care, which it is. Someone phoning is offering support, someone bringing a meal is helping.

The other thing is that I wouldn't want a friend giving me that sort of "take charge of me" support which makes it hard/awkward to give to someone else.

Do they maybe think you're being over dramatic?

I have to admit crying so the neighbours can hear would wind me up. I get the pain is severe but how does dramatic wailing help?

In terms of what you need, I don't think it would be unreasonable to say, during a flare up you could really use some company if anyone's about, and in most cases the cuppa and hug would go with that.

Naproxen, paracetamol and dihydrocodeine taken regularly helped a bit with me. And oral morphine

I think it is once every 4-5 months - so 2-3 times per year.

People don’t understand how awful endo pain can be. It can be totally off the charts. Even women who have gone through labour owns without medication often don’t get it.

The onus is on you to find a way to explain this so that your parents don’t run a mile. They’re doing a lot already by taking the practical load off you. But really what you’re asking for is to have them stroke your hair and tell you everything will be okay - they can’t do that if they don’t know exactly how awful it is. And, honestly, as a woman old enough to be a mother herself, their mothering days are over. Caring like this is exhausting. It’s all give and nothing in return which is fine with a child, but you’re not a child.

It’s absolutely inappropriate to ask this if a friend.

You need to build your resilience. The fact that your child is taken care of and you can just be home alone when the flares happen and you don’t need to worry about anyone but yourself: that’s wonderful support. Now you need to find ways to handle your body and your mind. Nobody can do that for you.

This is really about support. Join an endo support group, there are loads. Spread awareness. I’m afraid unless you pay someone - a nurse or carer - or have someone who does this out of their love for you, you’re going to have to handle this yourself. Don’t lose friends over this, your endo will only define you more than it already does.

I think its fine to ask for practical help but asking someone to come and baby you like a child is too much. You know you need to rest, drink and take your meds. If you need someone to make you do it, that's the role of a hired carer.

I think you have to be realistic about what people can or can't give.

Practical support - picking up meds, dropping off shopping, doing childcare - are all reasonable asks. But it sounds as though you have that sort of support?

The request to be soothed and have someone else take charge is not reasonable imo. It would sit very oddly with me, and I don't expect to parent another adult. That is a huge emotional load. I say this as the partner of someone with a chronic illness who I regularly care for, but would not willingly step into the role of parent for.

Of course people should be caring, but this seems a step beyond. If you are struggling with emotions, that's understandable, and there are some really good therapists who work with adults with chronic pain. I don't think the answer is offloading your personal responsibility to a friend though.

OP, you seem so lovely, reasonable and understanding. You appear to have a strong mothering instinct to people in your life and, apologies if I haven’t interpreted incorrectly, but it seems like what you are really missing and wanting is someone to mother you. I think we can probably understand that feeling from time to time. If you don’t have a lot of care around you, we can often wish that other people would care for us very deeply.

I think you are very insightful and appreciate that what you might be asking of your friends is too much. If I received this request from a friend, I would find it a little overwhelming and I would probably think I have too many people and things in my life that I have to care about, I can’t be a mother to somebody else as well. It might make me pull away, which seems cruel, but there could even be a sense of resentment if other people around you share those same feelings about a lack of care. Without making a sweeping generalisation, I think a lot of women over care and are under cared for.

I think you have probably hit the nail on the head that what you are crying out for is some way to cope and deal with the fact that people around you don’t show you care. Alongside the medical management of your condition, I think you are probably right in that you should consider therapy. I hope it is helpful for you.

I’m sorry you are in so much pain.

Just to pick up on a couple of your replies - these flare ups are 4-5 times a month. And you can self soothe for 2 days but then you’d need the support.

So approx every week these flare ups last more than 2 days? Thats an extreme amount of time you need support.

Im afraid im with everyone else - asking someone to come and, in essence, look after you like you were a child is really far too much.

If my friend messaged me and said ‘Im super ill I’ve got no support can you do a school run and a shop for me or have the kids for a few hours then I’d do my best to help. But I’d not expect these more than a couple of times a year.

That would be a big red flag for me. I'm not going to take responsibility for something where it is implied from the off that you're going to resist.

Then what? If I call to make you I haven't upheld my part of the bargain?

I'd need it to be way more specific and prescriptive

I think you'll lose friends if you send that message.

What pain relief do you have? Wondering if they can go up the pain ladder. Be you period patches help me slightly, a tens machines and a heat pad

I think you can ask for specific things you need, like could some one pop for the shops for me, or is there anyone who could have DC for a couple of hours, but that message would, I'm afraid, make me think you're a bit of a drama queen.

If your parents are cleaning and doing childcare, what more do you think they should be doing?