AIBU to ask friends for support during severe health flare-ups?

I’m not the OP. But sometimes there IS no pain management. I was on naproxen, paracetamol, dihydrocodeine and oramorph and nothing touched it. Plus a TENS machine, heat pads and menthol pain patches
doctors barely like to prescribe naproxen for it, I had to fight for morphine

If it is this sore, which i don’t doubt, you need to sort out your pain management with your doctor.
you are sending mixed messages about your partner/ex. It is not his job to look after you. If you are separated, he should not be in your house. Get proper rid.

I actually think this is a mental health issue.
I think you need to be admitted for mental health reasons to hospital.

You’re looking for a carer which I’m guessing most people wouldn’t have time for / refuse to do . You need to put proper arrangements in place.

It’s normal for endometriosis. It’s not curable and surgery is the only thing that helped mine
it also is around 8 years or more for diagnosis and then surgery can be 1-2 years wait
and pain relief is often withheld or doesn’t work

It would help to know what's wrong and why you are in uncontrolled pain and crying loudly , it's pretty odd tbh .

If I got that message I'd need to know more before I'd offer any of the comfort and support you're asking for .
I have stage 4 cancer and even I wouldn't expect that level of attention.

I think you’d be hard pressed to find someone who will immediately drop everything for an SOS text so they could pop over, tuck you in and give you a cuddle.

Bit odd.

Any reason you can’t talk to the friends instead of texting?

Please get on the hysterectomy waiting list.

And get the gp to prescribe morphine.

Honestly, I know you are worried about how you would cope after a major operation. But in my case, which sound very like yours including the mid cycle pain, not a single day after the operation was as painful as a flare

If I received that message I would instantly block your number! Not because I didn't care but fucking hell the drama.
I live with a chronic illness, take morphine every day, I struggle to walk, sit or stand for days on end, I manage my pain and limitations as a adult would.
Do my friends know that I am poorly, that I have flare ups several times a month, that I am in/out of hospital/surgery etc I presume so as I have to cancel plans, and we sort of talk about it, they understand and always say if you need me etc but I don't need them for my illness, I want them as friends not carers.
OP you need to work on your own self soothing and maybe question why you think you need others to do it.

As someone who is on day 8 of a flare. I could never imagine any of my friends and family treating me like a child. I just could never. But that’s me. I am on morphine as well for the pain. It is blinding that I can’t even stand up straight. I just could never rely on someone for that. I’ve had to learn to do this on my own. I am also a single parent and my youngest is 7. I’ve been like this before I had my youngest. It’s gotten worse over the years and awaiting an MRI. But yeah. I could never. If you need that reassurance from someone. Set timers and alarms on your phone for your meds and to drink water. You’re an adult. Not a child. And I am meaning this in the most nicest way possible.

You’re a grown woman, if you know you need to rest and recuperate etc, you do it. You keep saying “take charge “ the only person who can do that is you.

I think that a good therapist could help you. It seems like there is a trauma related problem underlying your actual physical problem. I'm so sorry your partner couldn't be bothered to go with you to the hospital when you had labor pains--that's absolutely horrendous. I hope that you are able to figure out how to manage this, you sound like a kind person.

As someone with a chronic illness too, I think we need to remember that it's not a competition of who's the illest/most incapacitated! Everyone's situation is different so we mustn't forget empathy.

That being said, the only suggestion I would give to you is to create your own tribe/support system, but have very honest conversations about what your needs are and what others boundaries are. Your support group could be friends, medical professionals, therapists etc. They all can provide different support.

I realised fairly recently that I would never get what I needed from a partner or my parents. I have also been the fixer who bent over backwards for everybody else looking for some validation which never came. I'm slowly rebuilding trust in myself so I don't have that endless cycle of seeking validation from others, disappointment at not getting it, then anger at myself for trying.
Lastly don't forget to be kind to yourself when you have flares and have a plan in place so you don't panic.

Maybe it’s just semantics, but from what you have described you would like from the people around you, personally I think I would find it much clearer as a friend if you put an sos call out for moral support/emotional support. I think I’d be far more likely to offer that support if it were described that way too.

Soothed is how I’m sure you would like to feel, and your friends would hope you would feel because they were there to support you, but specifically being asked to soothe someone feels a bit odd and more like nursing a child

Maybe a bit more spontaneous, like when you feel down, call a friend and after making sure they can talk, openly say how you feel.

I'd be prompted to say something or come to give you a hug.

If none of your friends would act this way, a formal request won't make a difference. They're not real friends.

Also take into consideration that supporting a person who suffers a physical illness with pain is very difficult to do.

I have mostly friends in faith who would do that, with high ideals.
Unfortunately these moments are the ones where you realise who really cares for you, and bear in mind that not everyone is skilled to give a hand, so you can't take out blood from a stone.

Sorry but I know what I'm talking about having had a similar family.

Maybe you are expecting too much from your ‘partner?’

If you are separated, he is surely your ex partner. An ex partner is far less likely to sooth and reassure you, especially if he was rubbish when you were together.

I am guessing you are middle aged and have elderly parents who perhaps can’t help more than they do already. I think it’s very important that you seek additional emotional support from a source outside your family, from peers who maybe share your experience.

When going through cancer treatment, I found it very helpful to join Facebook groups and online forums specifically for my diagnosis. The online groups were almost exclusively kind and completely understood the awful situation. There is absolutely no way I would burden my friends and family with all the thoughts that were going through my head. People all over the world support eachother with all sorts of conditions and I now try and reassure others who are treading the same path as me. I think you might find this kind of ‘community’ support really useful as you seem to have the practical side of things covered.

It sounds like you are a caring person and look out and care for others but don’t get the same in return sadly, particularly when you need it. I know how that feels.

I think other posters have given you some helpful advice, particularly about over caring for others at your own expense. There comes a point where you need to ‘match their energy’ and stop doing so much for people
who don’t appreciate it.

Having often severe bouts of pain due to a longterm chronic illness. I'd say to you - you need to take charge of your life. Rest when needed, eat well , good mental health support either counciling or medication. I sometimes have to go to bed and hubby with take over with bath and bedtime with kids or i will ask a close mum friend to do school run. I think you need to be more specific with your request and what you need from them as you seem unsure yourself.
Sending a gentle hug as chronic health issues are no joke, especially while raising young children.

Absolutey this!

Have you joined the endometriosis support group? A friend of mine used to run one and they had a chat forum where you could get support and a bit of empathy from others who understand x

I love the way you put it. Of course it's okay to ask, as long as you're willing to accept no for an answer.

I remember back during the AIDS crisis, one of the things we did was set up "care teams" for people. Ideally there would be 15 people on a team, so that no one got burned out. Because when you're in a flare you're not going to be the one to organize it, you see if you can get someone to serve as team manager--all you have to do is let them know you need help and they activate the team.

Nowadays we have "Meal Trains." They're sign up sheets so that people can do "bite-sized" pieces. Besides bringing a meal, you can ask them to sit with you, give moral support, go shopping, wash the dishes--whatever. And because people sign up, you know they're choosing to do so, not feeling guilted into it, or that you're asking them at a bad time.

One thing I do suggest is that if you need people to sit with you, see if you can organize small chunks of time people can sit, and people can trade off. Maybe two hour blocks. People can take more than one, but for very busy people two hours might be the most they can do--even if they want to help as much as possible.

I hope that your good-for-nothing partner sees what a caring community looks like and gets off his butt and pitches in too, but I wouldn't hold my breath!

Well few have, so it’s not an issue.