Twin brother expects us to host every time

Unfortunately, my guess is that LT and LTDW don't realise that you are in a who blinks first situation and are happily tootling along in the belief that OP will back down and is organising everything.

When they eventually do realise I expect they will run to PIL to complain how unfair it is and how it's far too late for them to do anything and that they didn't think you were serious. Then PIL will turn into flying monkeys.

How firmly did you tell the whole family that it's LTs turn? Because it feels like nothing quieter than a foghorn will penetrate the status quo...

This won't work because

1. It will still be OP & DH booking and organising it all because LT won't.
2. It will still fall on OP & DH to PAY for it all, costing them even more than a do at their home.
3. LT will still fail to contribute financially.
4. OP & DH will still feel resentful due to numbers 1-3.

Presumably, at some point, someone will ask WHY you're not doing it. That will be your DH's cue to say that, not only do you and he always have to host, but you also seem to have to organise and pay for everything too, with no contribution from the joint birthday person. Maybe he could add that for this milestone birthday he's had a makeover. He's grown a pair of balls and decided not to be a doormat.

Seeing as everyone involved is an adult, might it be worth sitting down with LT and explaining to him how you are all feeling? If he’s been taught, by his parents, to expect mollycoddling there is a chance he may honestly not understand what’s expected. Being kindly honest with him may be doing him a big favour, not only for family dynamics but also is other areas of his life too.

As these things are obvious to you this suggestion may seem ridiculous. BUT there are people, me included, who have had to have some social rules explicitly explained. It may be a bit painful in the short-term, but it really helps in the longer term.

So you don’t get your own Mother’s Day with your children? I would be complaining about this more.

I would get your husband to go back to his twin and say that if he cannot host at his that the other option is to hire a venue and split the cost 50/50 for venue and catering. He should come up with an excuse as to why it is not possible to host at your house and make it clear that option is not available. The twin can then decide what they prefer.

Better option is choose a venue that takes online orders and payments so each attendee group pays for their own as they go and there's no bill at the end.

I’m still wondering how this situation happened in the first place. Why LT is always the one to freeload. I imagine he was less capable as a child? But I think now the answer would be to see LT and LTDW together and make it clear that the onus is on all four of you to plan and pay for the party, wherever it’s held and whatever you decide to do. Just be polite but firm.

I’m not suggesting you would know the ins and outs of every conversation the siblings have ever had with the lazy twin, no 😂.

I’m more surprised that none of the siblings have had a conversation with YOUR husband about him always being the one to be paying/hosting.

I can see how these things happen in uneven orders, but wasn’t there ever

’isn’t it time we came to you for Xmas, lazy twin?!’
’Are you getting a round/the bill now?!’
’your turn!’

when you were out?!

Well, I’m sure after years of watching lazy twin not get his wallet out, I’m sure the siblings will support your DH drawing some boundaries!

It sounds like a really frustrating situation for you and it really is down to your DH to put his foot down, I suppose you can’t make him or control how he deals with his family dynamics but you can make the point yourself instead of going along with this nonsense

I had a barrage of emails from the twin’s DW about what kind of cake I should procure (to cater to the twin’s tastes), and who I could delegate to—“MIL can bring x.”

👆At this point I would have had something to say. Instead of taking the orders from them, why not bat it straight back to them, “Oh great idea SIL, can I pass that on to you to sort out then seeing as you know what they both want? And I’ll organise XYZ”, or, “Yep perfect, you ask MIL to bring X and I’ll sort Y. Please you order Z? Then everything is sorted 🙂”

They’ve only gotten away with this tight arsed lazy behaviour because everyone has allowed them to, even by following their orders without asking them to do anything themselves.
I would ensure as well, that if they decline or refuse to contribute, then what they have requested is not there at the celebration. The cake is not the flavour they have demanded. The nibbles they wanted are not what you have bought. The restaurant is not their chosen restaurant. They don’t get to freeload and turn up empty handed while having everything their way. Absolute cheeky fuckers of the highest order.

I haven’t read all the messages but just want to add. My brother has a big house and garden and he & his wife hosted a lot of get togethers.
when I had my son, everyone said to have the birthday in my brothers house but I wanted to host myself. I bought a 3x3m gazebo that just about fits in the backyard. It works perfectly for buffet-type parties. It works great in the summer too when one side is open and other guests can sit at the picnic table outside. I invested about €150 euro in the gazebo. So far we’ve had 3 celebrations in it. Could the tight brother do something like this, if they don’t have much room?
I don’t think it’s fair that one sibling should be always hosting just because they have the space. Surely this twin (who is probably approaching 40 or 50( should realise this by now?

But he still lets his twin get away with it?

I think unless your DH is fully on board, there isn't a lot you can do about making a stand about LT.

In your shoes, I would refuse to do as much as make a sandwich for any of these occasions on principle. Leave it to your DH to sort.

@FedUpTwinWife

Well, at this point your DH has made his feelings clear to LT. I think he should just keep quiet and do nothing as far as the party goes. IMHO it's time to really force the issue by waiting him out. I think if I were you I'd quietly start researching 'weekends away' your DH would really like (even if you'd have to grit your teeth to get through it) and after a few days if (hopefully) things are still at a stalemate, I'd present these to him with "Well, LT is obviously not going to step up to the mark so how about one of these?". Maybe he'll be tempted to actually make alternate plans.

You need to say “we arranged and paid for the last milestone birthday and the nine since then. This milestone and the next decade are your turn!” and act as if you assume they must be joking if anyone implies you will be doing anything.

Yep-he seems to prefer pissing off his wife and being a doormat!

Maybe arrange to meet them in Wetherspoons or somewhere else where you pre order (and pay for) your food on an app? Then you can order your own and suggest everyone else does the same. No awkward moment when the bill comes, they'll just have to share a garlic bread or some chips if they're skint.

I’ve pretty much said my say, but to reiterate I think the four of you should sit down together and discuss the party. It would be difficult then for them not to contribute - treat LT like an adult and he might start to behave like one.
Even if you host they should accept 50% of the labour, cost and clearing up afterwards.
No excuses!

Its DHs birthday and he's happy with the status quo so leave it up to him to sort out.