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Original poster

Considering Termination

15 replies

Iamanidiotarenti · 03/09/2026 15:41

I’ll get my excuses in early and please be kind because you can’t be judging me worse than I feel about myself right now.
Background. My relationship broke down during Covid as my then H turned out to be an alcoholic. I kicked him out to protect our primary school age and toddler aged DC. He died shortly after in horrendous circumstances. We’ve all been in therapy. A couple of years back I reunited with an old flame and in someways it is lovely. He is kind caring and attentive, helps around the home and kind to my DC. He is not particularly securely employed but we don’t live together and I would never let him move in under current circs or take on any financial responsibility for him. Given my age and previous infertility, I was stupidly careless and I am now very very early pregnant and I am terrified. He says he loves me and will step up with income but can he? And he says it’s all up to me. I feel stupider than I was as a teenager to be in the position. I’d kinda romanticised the idea of a baby and baby not in a marriage falling apart but this is not great either and I well could end up solely responsible for third child and not taking enough care of my existing DC. I had thought if something happened I,d feel ok with it but I feel overwhelming terrified. I am the worst person in the world but do I terminate?

OP posts:
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patooties · 04/09/2026 18:41

I would not have the baby, and have terminated previously so I didn’t lumber myself with someone nice but useless. Good luck, be kind to yourself.

whippersnapper55 · 04/09/2026 18:36

No judgement here. If I were in your position, I'd have the termination and prioritise yours and your children's stability. He might be a nice man but financial stability would be my priority, especially if you have a child together. It's not worth the risk.

caringcarer · 03/09/2026 16:37

If you want to terminate the sooner the better.

Tryagain26 · 03/09/2026 16:32

Of course you are not the worst person in the world! You made a mistake everyone does sometimes.
If you don't want another child then there is absolutely no shame in termination.
It's your decision and whatever decision you make it will be the right one

Original poster
Iamanidiotarenti · 03/09/2026 16:31

Offcom · 03/09/2026 16:19

So many factors in play, so many unknowns.

In case it’s not a view you’ve heard very much, while I also regret my lapses of caution which ended up in pregnancy, many years later I don’t regret choosing to terminate.

All the best to you.

Thanks for that. It,s reassuring to hear. I would wholeheartedly support a friend or a stranger but I am judging the shit out of myself

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamanidiotarenti · 03/09/2026 16:30

Thanks so all for being kind. I’m stable in that I own my home, due to my late husband’s death and I earn fairly average UK wage which pays the bills and for my DC hobbies and some nice treats/trips through the year. I have some savings. On my current wage I would either have to cut back or use savings to maintain life style with another person to care for. Both DC are primary age, one infants one juniors. I would like to live with him, he is in many ways an utterly delightful caring man BUT he’s not that financially stable, he manages but it’s not very steady and I’ve read enough mumsnet and had a bad enough end to my first marriage to want equality of finance before committing to cohabitation. I’m not looking for him to be dependent on me. Marriage breakdown with an alcoholic will really really teach you that love and wanting the best is not enough - another reason why I’m kicking myself for being here right now

OP posts:
crazymommaclub · 03/09/2026 16:28

I am sending you a big virtual hug as you have been through a traumatic time. I’m afraid only you can make this decision, but rest assure that whatever that decision is,you are perfectly right to make it. Unless they’ve walked a mile in your shoes, no one can judge you. Take your time to think things through and do what is best for you.

MBL · 03/09/2026 16:25

I think you have to be OK if the relationship doesn't last and he can't provide much financial support. If you are OK with that then I would consider it.
You haven't said much about your financial situation or the ages of your other children.
I would terminate in your shoes as there is a lot at risk, stability and health which will impact your existing children.
I love babies too but you need to be clear eyed about the reality.

zurigo · 03/09/2026 16:21

YANBU. Honestly OP, I wouldn't have a DC with someone that I didn't want to even live with. You're a single DM to two already. I would terminate too. If you're very early, just get the pills by post Flowers

Offcom · 03/09/2026 16:19

So many factors in play, so many unknowns.

In case it’s not a view you’ve heard very much, while I also regret my lapses of caution which ended up in pregnancy, many years later I don’t regret choosing to terminate.

All the best to you.

Pootles34 · 03/09/2026 16:00

I won't judge you, you need to stop judging yourself too. Stop all this 'worst person in the world', it's not helping you.

You sound like a lovely person in a tough situation. I would personally terminate in your situation (and have done before), but you need to make your own decision.

Original poster
Iamanidiotarenti · 03/09/2026 15:59

Offcom · 03/09/2026 15:55

What a time you’ve been through, just awful for you and your family.

It sounds like if you woke up tomorrow and realised you were not pregnant, that would be a relief?

Yeah I think it would which is opposite to how I thought I would feel if I’d asked myself a week ago. I’ve always been sentimental and broody about babies and I love the ages my DC are but I miss really small ones but when I looked at that test is was like every single problem, my age, what if I have complications, what if he never makes more money. I could just about make it work on my own but I would affect all of our lives. I feel like I’ve been in cloud cuckoo land

OP posts:
Offcom · 03/09/2026 15:55

What a time you’ve been through, just awful for you and your family.

It sounds like if you woke up tomorrow and realised you were not pregnant, that would be a relief?

Mosaic123 · 03/09/2026 15:52

Well it's something only you can decide but it's a very difficult decision.

In a worse case scenario of him not contributing in any way at all once it is born, how would you feel and also manage? Financially, physically, mentally?

If you would be ok with this then you have your answer.

eventide13 · 03/09/2026 15:51

Iamanidiotarenti · 03/09/2026 15:41

I’ll get my excuses in early and please be kind because you can’t be judging me worse than I feel about myself right now.
Background. My relationship broke down during Covid as my then H turned out to be an alcoholic. I kicked him out to protect our primary school age and toddler aged DC. He died shortly after in horrendous circumstances. We’ve all been in therapy. A couple of years back I reunited with an old flame and in someways it is lovely. He is kind caring and attentive, helps around the home and kind to my DC. He is not particularly securely employed but we don’t live together and I would never let him move in under current circs or take on any financial responsibility for him. Given my age and previous infertility, I was stupidly careless and I am now very very early pregnant and I am terrified. He says he loves me and will step up with income but can he? And he says it’s all up to me. I feel stupider than I was as a teenager to be in the position. I’d kinda romanticised the idea of a baby and baby not in a marriage falling apart but this is not great either and I well could end up solely responsible for third child and not taking enough care of my existing DC. I had thought if something happened I,d feel ok with it but I feel overwhelming terrified. I am the worst person in the world but do I terminate?

You are not a bad person. If you think you can't cope with this child and you'd like to terminate then that's perfectly OK and within your rights. No one has any right to judge you