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Family member and drug use

31 replies

Itsgettinghotinere · 02/09/2026 08:09

i know I’ll get responses telling me to mind my own business however, I am hoping for some sensible advice on how to approach a situation with a family member and drug use.

We live hours away from them so it’s difficult to understand what’s going on but it seems they are regularly using cocaine at home. Their health is really suffering now, they sleep in until lunch time so worried about their job. always always broke but earns a very good salary (they depend on parents to pay for lots of things and parents have no idea what is going on), the kids have seen signs of use at home. There is a lot more but I’m being vague.

How should we approach them? What, if anything, can we do to support? I know they need to want to help themselves but there are kids involved here too.

If it’s relevant we are all dealing with the serious illness of a parent so this is utterly awful.

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GreenFootstool · 02/09/2026 08:11

Tell their parents.

Report to social services if kids are around this and the care levels are dropping.

Report to kids school about impact on kids.

Itsgettinghotinere · 02/09/2026 08:14

GreenFootstool · 02/09/2026 08:11

Tell their parents.

Report to social services if kids are around this and the care levels are dropping.

Report to kids school about impact on kids.

We cannot tell the parents- one is terminally ill and we are supporting them. They do not have the capacity to deal with it.

The issue is proof. We have some but need more.

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Itsgettinghotinere · 02/09/2026 08:15

But I want advice as to how to best approach the family member directly.

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GreenFootstool · 02/09/2026 09:00

Itsgettinghotinere · 02/09/2026 08:15

But I want advice as to how to best approach the family member directly.

Either do it or don't. The reality is there's no easy way to have this conversation.

There isn't any clever way to front this and there is absolutely no way to ensure they listen or change anything.

Ultimately, you know them and how they behave. You are seeing things that worry you for the safety of the children (how old?) and you want to step in but not take over responsibilities.

The reason I said tell the parents is about the financial support - it may be financial abuse of the parents, exacerbated by their ill health and vulnerabilities. Equally, if the drug user is their child, I assume they are struggling with the illness as well?

Bluenotgreen · 02/09/2026 09:04

I doubt there’s anything you can do or say that will change anything for that relative.

My concern would be the children…

Itsgettinghotinere · 02/09/2026 09:17

My concern is the kids too.

How much does it even cost? I’m completely naive to it all.

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Itsgettinghotinere · 02/09/2026 09:18

GreenFootstool · 02/09/2026 09:00

Either do it or don't. The reality is there's no easy way to have this conversation.

There isn't any clever way to front this and there is absolutely no way to ensure they listen or change anything.

Ultimately, you know them and how they behave. You are seeing things that worry you for the safety of the children (how old?) and you want to step in but not take over responsibilities.

The reason I said tell the parents is about the financial support - it may be financial abuse of the parents, exacerbated by their ill health and vulnerabilities. Equally, if the drug user is their child, I assume they are struggling with the illness as well?

Thank you. You’re right, I was looking for a clear strategy and there isn’t one. It’s going to be a tough conversation. They will deny it completely which is the hard part without any further evidence.

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drspouse · 02/09/2026 09:20

You don't need proof to tell school you have concerns. If they already have concerns too you may help them to increase their level of concern.

Itsgettinghotinere · 02/09/2026 09:29

drspouse · 02/09/2026 09:20

You don't need proof to tell school you have concerns. If they already have concerns too you may help them to increase their level of concern.

I will be dealing with the children separately so would appreciate advice on how to handle this with family member.

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drspouse · 02/09/2026 09:52

Why not ask the school for advice then? If you are happy for your family member to know you've spoken to school, ask the school if they will be speaking to the parent, if so, you could follow on from that conversation.
If they won't tell you or say it goes straight to social services then either wait till that has happened (if you think the family member would tell you about social services involvement) or also bringing up the effect on children would possibly be a good opener (I don't know anything about drug recovery, only about schools/safeguarding and that only from concerns when my DS who has SEN couldn't explain an injury - but having social workers turn up on your doorstep is an unforgettable moment).

BillieWiper · 02/09/2026 09:56

There's no point looking for proof. If the person doesn't want to quit and they think denying they are using will enable them to continue then they'll just lie. And they won't stop just because somebody tells them to.
You need to approach it with concern, rather than judgement. If they don't feel like they can trust you they are less likely to take your help.

GreenFootstool · 02/09/2026 10:23

Itsgettinghotinere · 02/09/2026 09:17

My concern is the kids too.

How much does it even cost? I’m completely naive to it all.

How much does the cocaine cost? Could be anything from £10 a day to £300 a day - depends on too many factors but from what you're describing, it is far too much.

Most habitual cocaine users will be taking something else as well - alcohol is a common one.

A problem with cocaine is that the user has no idea what it's cut with - it could be baking soda, sugar, flour or boric acid, paracetamol, or a synthetic opiate with deadly effects (fentanyl or a nitazine derivative) or any number of emerging chemicals.

https://wedinos.wales/sample/?sample-filter-keyword=Cocaine

somanychristmaslights · 02/09/2026 10:43

Itsgettinghotinere · 02/09/2026 09:29

I will be dealing with the children separately so would appreciate advice on how to handle this with family member.

You can’t deal with the 2 things separately. Just go and see them and say “I’m worried about your cocaine use”. It doesn’t have to be complicated.

Itsgettinghotinere · 02/09/2026 11:03

BillieWiper · 02/09/2026 09:56

There's no point looking for proof. If the person doesn't want to quit and they think denying they are using will enable them to continue then they'll just lie. And they won't stop just because somebody tells them to.
You need to approach it with concern, rather than judgement. If they don't feel like they can trust you they are less likely to take your help.

No judgement at all although I’m angry with them too. I can’t help that.

Have you had experience with this? Do they just have to be left to sort themselves out. I’m completely out of my depth.

Pocket digital scale were found too. I’m assuming these are related although I don’t know how or why.

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Itsgettinghotinere · 02/09/2026 11:06

GreenFootstool · 02/09/2026 10:23

How much does the cocaine cost? Could be anything from £10 a day to £300 a day - depends on too many factors but from what you're describing, it is far too much.

Most habitual cocaine users will be taking something else as well - alcohol is a common one.

A problem with cocaine is that the user has no idea what it's cut with - it could be baking soda, sugar, flour or boric acid, paracetamol, or a synthetic opiate with deadly effects (fentanyl or a nitazine derivative) or any number of emerging chemicals.

https://wedinos.wales/sample/?sample-filter-keyword=Cocaine

We’ve been told £160 a day but not from a reliable source (sorry for having to be so vague), but that was four years ago apparently.

They earn a good salary so could never work out why parents were always paying for their 40 year old child’s home repairs, white goods, petrol money etc

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MrsPapillon · 02/09/2026 11:14

Itsgettinghotinere · 02/09/2026 09:18

Thank you. You’re right, I was looking for a clear strategy and there isn’t one. It’s going to be a tough conversation. They will deny it completely which is the hard part without any further evidence.

They will deny it even if you have evidence. They won’t stop until they are ready to, and unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. You can make sure the rest of the family are aware so as not to enable them, and be up front with them and tell them that if they don’t make any efforts to stop you will be reporting them to social services.

You could also signpost them to CGL or other organisations that offer recovery support.

BillieWiper · 02/09/2026 16:25

Itsgettinghotinere · 02/09/2026 11:03

No judgement at all although I’m angry with them too. I can’t help that.

Have you had experience with this? Do they just have to be left to sort themselves out. I’m completely out of my depth.

Pocket digital scale were found too. I’m assuming these are related although I don’t know how or why.

I do have quite a bit of experience with severe addiction yeah.
Obviously if there's neglect then SS should be involved. There's a chance you mentioning that and saying you're concerned about the kids could be the thing that makes them try to change. It's different for everyone.

The scale would be used for them to weigh their drugs. Obviously dealers use them but most regular users do as well so it doesn't necessarily mean they're selling it. But they might be.

Nofeckingway · 02/09/2026 16:31

The fact they are weighing it points to using a lot . Which is probably why they are short of money . At this rate it is only a matter of time before it affects their work . What would they do if they lost their job? And they could also loose their kids if they are using drugs around them . Never mind loosing their liberty as they could be jailed .
I would point this out to them , that you are now aware of their problem. Ask them are they willing to take measures to address this or you might have to get authority involved because if the kids . It might be a wake up call , it might be ignored , but at least they are on notice now.

Itsgettinghotinere · 02/09/2026 16:32

BillieWiper · 02/09/2026 16:25

I do have quite a bit of experience with severe addiction yeah.
Obviously if there's neglect then SS should be involved. There's a chance you mentioning that and saying you're concerned about the kids could be the thing that makes them try to change. It's different for everyone.

The scale would be used for them to weigh their drugs. Obviously dealers use them but most regular users do as well so it doesn't necessarily mean they're selling it. But they might be.

I can’t imagine they are selling - they are scared of their own shadow. If they are not used to sell, why on earth would someone taking cocaine need scales?

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LarryForPrimeMinister · 02/09/2026 16:39

An addict won't get clean unless they want to get clean.

Itsgettinghotinere · 02/09/2026 16:40

Nofeckingway · 02/09/2026 16:31

The fact they are weighing it points to using a lot . Which is probably why they are short of money . At this rate it is only a matter of time before it affects their work . What would they do if they lost their job? And they could also loose their kids if they are using drugs around them . Never mind loosing their liberty as they could be jailed .
I would point this out to them , that you are now aware of their problem. Ask them are they willing to take measures to address this or you might have to get authority involved because if the kids . It might be a wake up call , it might be ignored , but at least they are on notice now.

I think their industry has moved on a lot so I’m not sure it would be easy to walk into another. Especially if they were let go.

Their parents pay for a lot. Down to petrol money on occasion. They are very good at playing the victim and expecting others to come to their rescue.

It’s especially difficult as the whole family are going through so much and honestly, could do without this.

I’m trying not to judge but if it’s not handled right they will go straight to parents to complain and wait for handouts.

We’ve spoken to parents previously about the amount of financial support they are giving and that it isn’t necessary. Think cars, white goods, redecorating etc. they didn’t want to hear.

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LarryForPrimeMinister · 02/09/2026 16:40

Itsgettinghotinere · 02/09/2026 16:32

I can’t imagine they are selling - they are scared of their own shadow. If they are not used to sell, why on earth would someone taking cocaine need scales?

To make sure their dealer isn't ripping them off? It happens.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 02/09/2026 16:48

Having had an addict in the family, there's only one way, confront and then deal with the answer and sadly they have to want help, help that often isn't there of you'llfind impossible to give. Issue immediately apparent is neglect of the children, whether intentional or not, along side what happens when they can no longer 'afford' drugs, or their health is impacted by them. No formula for help, how I wish there was and we, as a family, tried A - Z, in the end deteriorating health meant alcohol became the end drug of choice and an early death followed.

BillieWiper · 02/09/2026 17:42

Itsgettinghotinere · 02/09/2026 16:32

I can’t imagine they are selling - they are scared of their own shadow. If they are not used to sell, why on earth would someone taking cocaine need scales?

To weigh their dose out. Or make sure they are getting the amount they pay for.

Ponderingwindow · 02/09/2026 17:47

If you won’t tell the parents the reality of what is going on, then you can’t accomplish anything.

You can and should report to social services. Being a child living with an addict, even a functional addict, is hell.