Page 2 | Should ex just give the dc his inheritance instead of just wasting it?

Liesmorelies · 2026-09-01T12:47:47+00:00

I know this isn't my business but it is annoying me so much. Ex (divorced 10 years ago) is low paid with various health conditions (being low paid predates these) and has never financially supported the dc. He is on some kind of benefits sometimes - not sure of details but I do have claim open and often have letters to say he has £0 to pay due to being on benefits. However, at the moment he is meant to be paying £80 per month for one remaining under 18 child and some of his arrears - obviously he isn't paying it. He lives nearby and was in rented until a few years ago when he inherited about £200k and bought a house outright. His family and most of his friends live in a city about 90mins away by train - ex can't drive for medical reasons. He has told dc2 that when they start uni next year he will be moving back to his city. Presumably the house will be sold but I'm not sure that he will buy again and it's likely he will move in with family. He has owned the house for around 5 years. It's an older property and he has no cash to spend on it - it's not what you'd call well-presented, to put it politely. So the two transactions in a short space of time, along with 0 investment in the house and the state of the market now will mean he will surely lose quite a bit of his original lump-sum. It was always his plan to move once the dc started uni as his life mainly is in the other city. However, they have only stayed at his 4 nights per fortnight and have often complained about that - don't know if he knows that though. It's also not unusual for him to cancel some of the contact he does have - with that in mind, probably averages out to 1or 2 nights per week over a year. Presumably, if he sells the house and moves in with family he will lose benefits and burn through the money - he is incredibly irresponsible financially. It just seems such a waste. I feel like buying the house was such a poor decision and a waste and feel like he should have just gifted the money to the dc for them to invest. I wish he could do that now. At least some of his benefits must be non-means tested so could he do that? That money is quite likely to be the only money from that side of the family the dc ever get, and they haven't been supported by their dad so I feel like they should have it, but it's all just going to be wasted. I know it's nothing to do with me but I am so tired of being the only one providing anything for the dc ever and this is yet another stupid and wasteful decision from him.

Original poster

Liesmorelies · 01/09/2026 14:34

@Switchnow Yes, he wanted to present the facade of having kids, without having to do anything difficult regarding them. If he lives off the proceeds rather than buying another property it'll be gone within a year or two - it won't be a great saving for 'the taxpayer.'

There's no getting out of the settlement as he had no part of the deal - child support is separate. I'll obviously leave my children everything I have at that point - who knows how much that will be, but I work stupid hours and have a decent salary. Can't save much though because getting two kids through uni on one wage (minimum loan) having brought them up alone for years is £££.

OP posts:

Willreturnforsure2 · 01/09/2026 14:35

Liesmorelies · 01/09/2026 14:26

City centre would suit him - he's not ill as such but has mobility issues and fatigue. A flat in a fairly central location is ideal for him with good transport links to services and amenities. It's more suitable than where we are, which is less than ideal without a car.

Yes, he'll live off the money for a short while and then it'll all be gone, with fuck all to show for it and he still won't be close to funding his own care or anything like that.

He insisted on having a house so he could say the dc live with him, only to cancel contact 30% of the time anyway. It's a waste of money.

You think a city centre would suit him

He doesn’t

He is your ex from a decade ago and you still seem quite controlling

Willreturnforsure2 · 01/09/2026 14:37

You have come up with this idea that he sells, gives away the money, and moves in with siblings in poor health.

Do you realise how ridiculous this is? You are an ex from a decade ago! Do you have any contact with his siblings? Does your ex open up to you about his plans etc?

Original poster

Liesmorelies · 01/09/2026 14:37

@Willreturnforsure2 Wtf? How am I controlling? Of course he thinks it'll suit him - that's why he's moving back there. No one is disputing that. He didn't move back sooner because of the kids, but really all it's done is waste money.

OP posts:

Gazelda · 01/09/2026 14:39

MargaretMeldrew · 01/09/2026 14:33

You think that someone with unspecified health conditions will perhaps be motivated to work because they have nothing to live on? People’s illnesses and disabilities miraculously disappear when they’re penniless? If only it were that simple!

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Apologies. You’re quite right. I hadn’t registered that he has health conditions which impact him being able to work all the time. That’ll teach me not to skim read!

Willreturnforsure2 · 01/09/2026 14:40

Liesmorelies · 01/09/2026 14:37

@Willreturnforsure2 Wtf? How am I controlling? Of course he thinks it'll suit him - that's why he's moving back there. No one is disputing that. He didn't move back sooner because of the kids, but really all it's done is waste money.

Op

This is an ex of decade

You think he should have moved to a city centre and bought a flat. He didn’t want to but that is what you wanted him to do.

You want him to move in with siblings in poor health. No idea at all whether this is possible; desired or indeed anything!

He has bought a modest size property outright. His kids will inherit it.

MargaretMeldrew · 01/09/2026 14:40

Gazelda · 01/09/2026 14:39

Apologies. You’re quite right. I hadn’t registered that he has health conditions which impact him being able to work all the time. That’ll teach me not to skim read!

Show quote history

Ah, fair enough🙂

Willreturnforsure2 · 01/09/2026 14:41

Surely by him buying this property outright - it secures his children’s inheritance

Original poster

Liesmorelies · 01/09/2026 14:42

I know the family. I knew them for years and dc still tell me about them, up to a point. I know he's moving 'home' because ds told me. I know how close he is to his sister, but, as I've said, I'm not sure he's moving in with her. If not, he'll buy another property which, as I said in my OP, will eat into his lump sum due to fees etc. If he lives with her, he'll just live like a king for a bit spending the money and then be broke again. I know this because I've known him for a long time and still know him through my dc. That's it.

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 01/09/2026 14:45

It’s his money to ‘live like a king’ if he wants to. You chose to marry and have children with someone who is crap with money-don’t now be surprised if they continue to be crap with money.

Willreturnforsure2 · 01/09/2026 14:46

This Is Clearly causing you intense frustration and infuriation but there literally is absolutely
nothing you can do about it

Original poster

Liesmorelies · 01/09/2026 14:46

I don't want him to move in with sibling, I just think he might. I don't want him to as it'll leave a lot of unsecured cash that he'll piss up the wall. DC won't inherit the property he has now because he's selling it. They might inherit the next one he buys, yes, but if he doesn't buy one there'll definitely be nothing for them to inherit as it will have been spent. That's where I'm at - annoyed at money being wasted, even though it's not my business.

OP posts:

AbsintheMakesTheHeartGrowFonder · 01/09/2026 14:50

Liesmorelies · 01/09/2026 14:46

I don't want him to move in with sibling, I just think he might. I don't want him to as it'll leave a lot of unsecured cash that he'll piss up the wall. DC won't inherit the property he has now because he's selling it. They might inherit the next one he buys, yes, but if he doesn't buy one there'll definitely be nothing for them to inherit as it will have been spent. That's where I'm at - annoyed at money being wasted, even though it's not my business.

YABU to think that having money to live on means 'pissing it up the wall'.

Basically, you just resent him having a windfall because you can't stand him. You can feel like that if you want to, but let's not pretend it's really about the children because it isn't.

Fizzink38 · 01/09/2026 14:55

Of course he should support his DC, but these men just don't - and will go to amazing lengths to avoid it! Mine was the same - his loss. DS and I have had some really lean times, specially when Ex and I first separated and I was still living in the family home and paying the mortgage by myself with no support. (And he even tried to charge me 'rent' for living there!) but we're ok now, and still really close. Whereas he's seen his Dad twice this year.
Sod him, and sod everyone saying that it's somehow your fault. You were the one who stayed and raised those kids by yourself. You have every right to be annoyed that their father doesn't provide for them adequately, even though he could.

Original poster

Liesmorelies · 01/09/2026 14:56

No @AbsintheMakesTheHeartGrowFonder that's totally wrong. He pisses money up the wall all the time, and did when we were married. That's a fact. It absolutely is about the children - I wish their father would be responsible and make some sort of financial provision for them just for once.

OP posts:

Snoken · 01/09/2026 14:58

I wouldn't give all my money to my kids the age I am now and I have kids the same age as yours, just a couple of years older. There is so much life left, hopefully and I have no idea what's in store. I also don't want my kids to be, effectively rich very young. I don't think it's good for kids to not have to struggle along a bit. I don't think you are reasonable at all to expect him to just give his security away, regardless of how feckless you think he is.

Willreturnforsure2 · 01/09/2026 14:59

Liesmorelies · 01/09/2026 14:56

No @AbsintheMakesTheHeartGrowFonder that's totally wrong. He pisses money up the wall all the time, and did when we were married. That's a fact. It absolutely is about the children - I wish their father would be responsible and make some sort of financial provision for them just for once.

What is he spending on?

He bought a modest property outright to live in. That’s not really pissing money up the wall

Happyd · 01/09/2026 15:03

I think your being out of order to be honest OP , first of all as he was on benefits he would not have been allowed to give money to his children as it would of been seen as deprivation of capital , secondly, him buying a house was probably the best thing as this is allowed and if he’s benefit was then under £16,000:he would of still been entitled to benefit, if he’s on pip that is not means tested . Also a lot of fathers (not that it’s right , ) don’t see their children every week and he has also stayed close by so he could do so … if he buys another place then that will go to the children one day anyway .. you sound quite Bitter … he’s entitled to a life

WhyWouldSomeoneDoThat · 01/09/2026 15:39

people on Mumsnet get really reactive and pissy talking about money. I totally get where you’re coming from OP, a deadbeat dad who’s never prioritised his children or contributed to their upbringing in any material way when you’ve put them central in your life at a great cost to you no doubt, and having to pay him money in 4 years when you know he’s a selfish twat. I can see why you’re pissed off about this house/inheritance issue, even though it’s obviously not in your hands to change the situation at all, I can see why it does your head in. And to all the people saying you’ve been divorced ten years- yes but when you share children his actions continue to have a consequences.

Willreturnforsure2 · 01/09/2026 15:41

WhyWouldSomeoneDoThat · 01/09/2026 15:39

people on Mumsnet get really reactive and pissy talking about money. I totally get where you’re coming from OP, a deadbeat dad who’s never prioritised his children or contributed to their upbringing in any material way when you’ve put them central in your life at a great cost to you no doubt, and having to pay him money in 4 years when you know he’s a selfish twat. I can see why you’re pissed off about this house/inheritance issue, even though it’s obviously not in your hands to change the situation at all, I can see why it does your head in. And to all the people saying you’ve been divorced ten years- yes but when you share children his actions continue to have a consequences.

I get that she’s annoyed
and I get that she is frustrated
but focusing on what you think an ex from a decade should have done with the money and should do next, and where he should even live… is neither healthy or… well, worth thinking about

Shinyandnew1 · 01/09/2026 15:49

Liesmorelies · 01/09/2026 14:46

I don't want him to move in with sibling, I just think he might. I don't want him to as it'll leave a lot of unsecured cash that he'll piss up the wall. DC won't inherit the property he has now because he's selling it. They might inherit the next one he buys, yes, but if he doesn't buy one there'll definitely be nothing for them to inherit as it will have been spent. That's where I'm at - annoyed at money being wasted, even though it's not my business.

He might marry again and leave it to his new wife? Have more children and give it to them etc

Annoying that he appears to be useless, but it’s not your money so you don’t get to decide what happens to it.

ForLimeHiker · 01/09/2026 16:15

Liesmorelies · 01/09/2026 13:54

I mean, it's not that long!

He's selling the property anyway. I want him to give the proceeds to the dc instead of pissing it up the wall.

Kids are 17 and 20 - they could be setting up for life instead of him just wasting it all.

Inheritance isn’t a right or a given, and no matter how much you don’t like it, it’s not your business to question it.

it does sound incredibly frustrating to witness, and I’m by no means ‘on his side’, but nobody set him up for life, he’s had his money and done what he’s done with it, and maybe when he’s gone there will be something to leave to the children, maybe not. You just have to leave it and make peace with it.

Original poster

Liesmorelies · 01/09/2026 16:33

What is he spending on? He bought a modest property outright to live in. That’s not really pissing money up the wall

I don't know why you are questioning this - I've said repeatedly he wastes money and he doesn't pay CMS when he is supposed to. I get buying in a house, but even then he bought one he can't afford to maintain and moves again with years, which was planned and is a massive waste of money. He goes on cheap holidays staying with friends abroad multiple times per year which sometimes stops him working and means he doesn't see the dc. It's just irresponsible.

I know it's a waste of time me thinking about this but I just find it so frustrating. I actually think he should have asked his dad to leave the money to the dc, I do. He gets benefits anyway to live on while they could have actually done something with the money. He's bought a house to lose money on and may just spend the rest living for a bit and then be back on benefits with the same life he had before getting it.

Thanks @WhyWouldSomeoneDoThat and @Fizzink38 for understanding.

OP posts:

Willreturnforsure2 · 01/09/2026 16:34

Are the 17/20 year old close to him?

Willreturnforsure2 · 01/09/2026 16:35

goes on cheap holidays staying with friends abroad multiple times per year

silver lining… “cheap” and free accommodation!