My husband is screen addicted and it affects his mood, how he parents, our life. And I don’t know what to do about it

She's not using him for his money. She's raising their children and running his home whilst he looks at his screen. All whilst she is suffering from a chronic illness.

Anyone with an addiction gets defensive because they don't want to admit or stop it. How does he sleep with the constant blue light and stimulation?

I'm not diagnosing your husband i am just sympathising with the constant screen time with what i say next.
My husband was diagnosed with ADHD quite a while ago now and he was like that. If he wasn't on a game on his phone or Xbox he didn't know how to occupy himself. He needed constant visual input from something. When he was driving he would have his music on at a deafening level because he said he couldn't focus other wise. If he was somewhere he couldn't look at screen he would piss about with a fidget toy in his hand
Up until he went on medication he was a utter nightmare for it. His screen time on his phone was averaging 12-13hrs a day. At work he was also occupied as he was a security guard in a prison and spent his shift watching CCTV cameras.

Would there be any way to get other people from outside the relationship to comment on his phone use? Family/friends visiting, GP, even at a pinch a counsellor?

He has no life outside the house, no friends, no hobbies - he can't be happy and he's finding his happiness on the phone rather than with his wife and children. I'm sure he knows this isn't normal, unless he's literally never spoken to another human or watched a TV programme, maybe if more people point it out he might take it on board?

Although if you've already discussed divorce, he knows you hate him being on the phone all the time and he hasn't changed, I'd say he's either so deep in addiction that he can't, or he just doesn't care. But maybe getting him to see a counsellor (maybe a pre-divorce condition?) might do something.

He gets defensive because he is genuinely an addict, he is setting such a dreadful example to your children that content on screen is more interesting and engaging than them. He will use trhe excuse that the kids enjoy looking at screens like its family time but it's not, it's group zombie time.

I say this as someone who ended up being on my phone more because of a velcro reflux baby who contact napped for ten months. Sitting in a dark room.with my baby, only thing to do was scroll at times. It's so easy to get used to it! What're helps me is thinking of the content I'm looking at: someone industrious and creative made that. They did it by not being on screens themselves 24/7. Don't be a switched off consumer of information or of other more lived lives basically.

As with any other addiction, the first thing would be for him to recognise he has a problem and want to change it. If he doesn't do this, things won't change. Can you try making him see he is being a bad role model for the kids and that is also bad for him?

If it doesn't work and you really cannot divorce, try to do things with the kids outside the house. If he is checking his phone during meals, I'll stop eating with him at the table to be honest, I find that incredibly rude.

Then just leave him to it. You can't afford to leave so you have to find a way to live with it. Are you encouraging Dc to have hobbies away from screens? because it's important that your husband isn't their main role model.

@Roseyposey10

This sounds very difficult.

Great that you’ve built a life of your own away from screens. Do your best to role model this to the kids, drag them out in to the real world.

The book, The Anxious Generation is a good read. The 4th part of the book offers some solutions, you may find it an interesting read, and it may help you to articulate your concerns to hubby, or at least, give you more conviction in your approach to life.

If you’ve talked about divorce a number of times already, I’m guessing his behaviour is maybe also part of him being checked out of his life somewhat?

Good luck.

Thats your response? Your 1st thought? 🙄🙄🤣🤣

I'm sorry you're going through this and that you don't feel able to leave him 😞 It was an ordeal but I eventually left mine. I've literally seen him on his phone in the shower before now. He even uses it when he's driving. I told him if he was ever involved in a car accident with the children I would automatically assume that he'd caused it. Nothing got through to him.

I feel for you; this sounds incredibly lonely. In a very real sense, your husband has left the marriage without leaving the house, as well as abdicating from parenthood. You’re doing all the work by the sound of it. I’m guessing screens are just that - a useful barrier to actually confronting reality. If not his phone, I’m guessing it would be something else. If money were not an issue, it sounds like you’d want separation. It might well be worth good legal advice to find out what you might be entitled to. If you can afford therapy, that might support you, too. Do you have extended family and friends to support you?

Divorce and tell him he can have kids and house. Find yourself some help from family/friends/council/Social Services. Eventually, you'll have somewhere to live and some benefits to start your life again. You can visit kids or kids can visit you. He'll surely step up and start looking after kids and himself, and have more respect for you.

Change the WiFi code... regularly.

i like to call this stuff out, with the kids and with family.

So, “isn’t it a shame that dad is just sat on his boring phone and not having fun with us?” Or “isn’t it a shame that dad wants to play on his phone instead of xyz” Because ultimately he’s choosing his phone over his family and that’s pitiful. Don’t let the kids engage over his shoulder at breakfast. Send him to eat elsewhere if he can’t be present. Cut it from their lives, if you can’t from his. And if that includes cutting him out, that’s his call.

So you are using him for his money if you cant afford to leave, do you work

It’s very difficult. It’s not just your life he is affecting. He’s not emotionally available to his kids, is a terrible role model and where do you even begin getting them to limit screens? - they’ll just say ‘but dad does it’. And if you separate, they’ll be with him some of the time without you to try to protect them from this!

You need to sit him down and have a serious discussion where you don’t let up until he listens and makes a concrete commitment to reduce his phone use. Make him see how awful it is for the kids and for your relationship. See if together you can come up with a workable plan to wean him
down to something that’s more acceptable. You might start with something like no phones at mealtimes or in the hour before the children’s bedtimes. Then gradually work up to something like no more than half hour max when the children are around and awake. And a few times a week you and he will have some couple time in the evening with no phones. It might help
to build in times when it might be easier for him to put it down and focus on family time- weekly family movie or game night for example.
Review how it’s going after three months. Then it’s time to figure out what happens next for your relationship. It might be quite sobering for him to hear that you don’t trust him to parent his own children on his own.

I am married to a work addict. I didn’t know he was a work addict when I married him.

Over the seven years we’ve been married work has infiltrated every area of our lives. He sits hunched over spreadsheets on Saturday evenings, Sunday mornings, bank holidays.

It is bearable when he’s in the office. When he is in front of us working but not seeing us it leaves you with a strange discombobulating sensation. The children’s behaviour becomes worse because they want his attention but are never going to get it, then I need to manage them and feel increasingly more het up and annoyed.

I wish I had answers for you @Roseyposey10 but I am in a similar boat.

suppose there is some irony in that you are posting this on a screen rather than giving him an ultimatum irl

Divorce is financially impossible.

It's never financially impossible, just financially uncomfortable.

My ex was like this to the point of having a nice walk together with them on their phone every 2 minutes.
I ended it. It drove me mad and made me feel invisible in the relationship.

Its really sad. It’s like living with a vacant robot. Someone who’s there but really they aren’t. Where’s the connection, where’s the presence, where’s the bonding.

You’ve told him how much this upsets you (and rightly so) and how it’s having such a negative effect on the family as a whole and he doesn’t care. You either put up and shut up or leave….i know which id do. This is no way to live and the example is setting your children is really scary.

Then don’t have a relationship with him. Arrange your life accordingly.

Ask if you can do a challenge together? Two weeks without phones?

When my husband got unwell the TV would give him headaches so we started doing other things. Now I only watch TV when I have a bath… I stopped caring about watching it.

Turn the WiFi off and/or change the password so he’s disconnected - he’ll hopefully run out of data.

Take the phone when he’s asleep and lock it away. People will say it’s controlling, he’ll say it’s controlling, but he needs intervention, it’s ruining more than his own life.

In all seriousness if he’s that addicted - and it sounds like he is - then he needs professional help. The algorithms will just feed more and more of what he watches and he’ll get more addicted. Very little is wholesome.

My ex-h was similarly addicted to his phone. You say divorce is not an option but I also had, and still have, a chronic health condition and disability. With minimal child maintenance, UC including housing element, a part time job and lower rate PIP the kids and I managed and managed quite well. I honestly never thought we would. Life has been infinitely better. And TBF, the ex stepped up and properly parented when he had them. I got to rest a lot more than if we’d stayed married - it’s amazing how much mess and additional work around the house an extra, disinterested adult made for me - once it was just me and the kids it was far easier.