Advice on leavng a 45 year marriage amicably, please

Go and see a solicitor ASAP, physically. It’s one time where you need to be pro-active.
I have a feeling you’ve had a terrible time for 45 years and there is more which we don’t need to know.
Things like throwing your things out, blocking you in a room. Absolutely vile.
As for your kids’ stuff tell them to come and sort it or you will skip it. Give them a timeframe as they will continue to use your home as storage. I’m only saying this as I used my parents’ house as a storage facility. I hang my head in shame now.
At 70, you have years to go which you deserve to enjoy in peace. You are doing so well so keep going.
If you have any really valuable things do you have a friend who can keep them for you for now?
This man may not go quietly.
From this point, he is not your friend.
You need to be your own advocate from now on.
Wishing you the very, very best of luck you deserve it.

Good luck op. If you google the name of your county and domestic abuse charity you should find a local service who can support you with what’s happening.

I want to offer another perspective which is that being amenable - which in your case looks like accepting below market price for your share of the house - doesn't always actually make things more amicable. Sometimes being strong - which might look like letting your lawyer guide how you approach this - does. You know the expression weak men make hard times. Just something to consider.

Also in this market it might be quite hard to determine what the "market" price of the house is, unless you're in a town/city where there are lots of house sales going on which the estate agent can look at to estimate the value. In the end the market price is what someone is willing to pay.

It will save you money but you should still see one for general advice etc. They might point out things you haven’t considered.

Good luck brave lady ❤️

Please remember, even 'nice' men can become unhinged when it comes to making leaving final, so keep an eye on his behaviour and take care of yourself.

Absolutely do not settle for less than market value! You are the one who would be left with all of the moving costs, while he gets to stay without the hard work or moving either. If anything, he pays half of market price and half of the moving costs.

What about furniture? Setting up a new place can be expensive, so any agreement needs to include everything. This should also include pensions. You need a SHL Shit Hot Lawyer who specialises in family law. Someone who will know what to look for with him hiding financial information.

Wishing you all the best.

Keep going, you will get there. And the feeling of having your own safe space will be priceless. I did it thirteen years ago and still feel a thrill when I arrive home.

Pretty sure it won't stay amicable once it gets down to brass tacks. Get a solicitor, stay firm on getting what you're due.

Just popping on here to say, don’t neglect to update your will - especially after all of this is sorted. Please make one if you don’t have one, amend the existing one if you do. You do not need to tell anyone (especially your husband) that you are doing this nor what it says, but make sure your executors know that there is a new one in existence.

Good luck @HundredAcreOwl - and I definitely echo pp’s advice to make sure you get a fair settlement- especially where pensions are concerned.

Don’t accept a lower percentage just for ease. See a solicitor for initial advice at least so you are informed. Otherwise he might take advantage of you.

Financial abuse is a very serious abuse.
A good forensic accountant will find the money easily enough. Money very well spent.
Don't be silly wasting kindness on him.
Focus on yourself and your future.
You have a lot of good years to enjoy your peace.
Some counselling would be very helpful as a support.

Please don't be tempted to take any less than half for that house... Yes to forensic accountant too, please get your share because this is a one time only offer. My lovely step Mum left my horrible Dad in her early 70's... She's flourishing now.

I just wanted to say good luck. I wish so much that my mum had divorced my dad many years ago but she is basically stuck now (aged 75 and 79, he has dementia. At the weekend I had to ring one of his other women and tell her to stop contacting him, due to the distress it is causing us all, as he can't now compartmentalise like he used to).

Please get legal advice and think not just about now but the future, and stay strong, you've got to do this for you. Think of something you'd like to do or have in five years time and work towards that. Wishing you the very very best.

They don’t do that unless you want them to. You’ll be glad you got in touch with them. They are very helpful.

Assets are 50:50 to start with. So you do have access to this money. It all goes in the pot to be shared out. This is why you need legal advice.

It's more than likely that it won't be amicable I'm afraid. They tend to turn when they realise you are serious and how much they stand to lose.

Women's Aid are really helpful. They won't whisk you to a refuge unless you are in imminent danger. They will help you work out next steps and deal with the abuse.

Refuges are full.

They will give you the opportunity to get a lot off your chest, and signpost you to support.

Yes, that was naive.

It's clear this man uses money as a means of control.

You will need a forensic accountant if you think there is money hidden away somewhere. The sol should be able to recommend one/ work with one.

Be prepared for a bad experience. I suspect you hoped for an amicable one because deep down you know rough waters lie ahead

Contact your local branch of Women’s Aid. (your GP surgey will have the contact details). Mine worked with local solicitors who gave some free legal advice. Also please talk to them about the abuse. You sound like you are minimizing it. Abusers often accuse their victims of abusing them and also of other things which are actually their own faults.

i agree with PPs about this being unlikely to remain amicable with an abuser. To be honest, you need to go no contact with an abuser and even then tbe abuse can continue via your children.

I left abusive exDP 3 years ago. (Also no sexual or physical abuse) it was mainly psychological abuse - like water wearing away stone. It has taken me those 3 years to recover.