Topics of conversation to get through boring evening with DHs colleagues wives

Can you bring cards/parlour games?!

holidyas?
what is the family up to?
what do you like talking about generally?

You don’t need anything in common with people to get along nicely for an evening. It’s small talk.

Ask them how they are, what they’ve been up to recently, whether they are going away etc etc. Ask the renovations one about her latest renovation and the gardens one how her garden has been managing in this heat.

And make sure you listen carefully and ask appropriate follow up questions.

It's not the OP doing that - it's all their husbands, who bugger off in their little clique and leave them to smile politely at each other and make small talk.

Well that'll teach me to read 😁
Glad it went ok

I work in a very relational field so often need to make conversation with people who I wouldn't otherwise chat to and I just try to get myself in the mindset of being really curious.

You're into 1940s fashion, how did you get into that? Is it something you do alone or is there a community you're part of who enjoy it as well? Where do you find your pieces? What's your favorite thing you've got in your wardrobe/ home and why? Do you like art and music from the same periods? What about that particular period draws you to it?

You love gardening? How did you learn, did someone teach you or are you self taught? Are your family all green fingers or just you? Do you grow flowers or have you ever started growing your own food? What do you grow? Do you like to cook with what you harvest and if so what's your favourite thing to cook? Have you any tips for xyz or any good resources to teach yourself? Have you been looking at any ways to encourage biodiversity in your garden, do you get many animals/ insects in your garden? How do they fill their time now they're retired? How did they find that transition from work to retirement/ what did they do before?

I usually find that if you can be really genuinely curious about people it tends to warm them up and you get a little flow going. How you ask the questions is also important, so I try to ask questions that are difficult to answer with a yes or a no. And I treat them like I'm delighted to see them. It may be that they're both very shy and find these things really uncomfortable but don't have the skills to know what to say. So I'd treat it like you're doing them a kindness by treating them warmly and like they matter. You don't need to know anything about the topics they are interested in, treat it as a chance to learn something new from them.

Other topics, children, schools, holidays, local news, family, programmes on TV, pets, and also volunteering about yourself. I agree it's absolutely fine to talk about more controversial topics, the key is not to present your opinion as the 'right' opinion and to take the stance that its okay for them to hold a different view and you won't go in trying to change someone's mind - you're just exploring how they see the world.

I think if you're avoiding politics you are, by default, avoiding everything.
E.g. how's your garden doing in this drought? Leads to climate change.
I hate small talk. But I think it leads to big talk, and if you're avoiding all the important subjects the small talk has nowhere to go, surely?
My tactic would be to be a bit braver and risk all the unsayable things. Worst comes to worst you discover they are all awful - right wing climate denying racists- then you have grounds for never doing it again! 😇

How frequent are these get togethers? Because your DH does have a point about the quid pro quo.

Are they so regular that it’s intolerable?

And shoot - it's tonight. I'm so sorry.

OMG, I have just seen your update. Honestly - arrange to be away.

I'm wondering if this is actually what is making the women feel uncomfortable and ruining the atmosphere.

It sounds horrible, being bolted on to what is effectively a work off-site.

I feel like the OP would probably have raised this with her DH before but if not, I'd be saying that if they keep inviting the wives, they have to make the atmosphere more inclusive of outsiders to the company. Otherwise, it's time to call it a day and the blokes just do something on their own for the weekend.

I understand, OP. I have in-laws like this, too. My son's mother and I have absolutely zero in common. I kid you not, I have tried so many times to start a really innocuous conversation and she just slowly turns her head and stares at me with her mouth slightly open. No, there is nothing wrong with her hearing.

I have tried really easy type conversations, eg what's your favourite food? I avoid asking any questions that may be perceived as challenging (trust me, I have tried in the past decades) eg, favourite film, trips to the theatre (she doesn't go), books (doesn't read) clothes, handbags...zilch. The woman is weird. She's ok when talking to my son but to me, nothing. I wouldn't mind but I can't see how I could have offended her when she's never spoken to me in the first place.

Is there any major news story happening in France at the moment that you could talk about?

Oh have you got to talk in French? Your English is excellent so I assume it’s your native language. After 30 years you will be fluent in French but that’s not the same as it being a native tongue. And any challenges will feel magnified. Sympathies.

You’ve relegated these women to “boring wives” like someone from the 50s. They are people and as likely to be interesting as colleagues. This is a you problem.

I get the dilemma slightly more that I know it’s France (where I lived for a while, years ago). There can be a real insistence on a ceremonial endlessness and formality with social occasions. Is your French entirely fluent?

@minipie

”What happens when people stop producing information and content for AI to scrape - because what’s the point - and AI has to start cannibalising itself?”

Oh lordy I ponder this one a lot!

I think you need to be telling your husband that it's rude for him to limit his conversation to just his colleagues, on topics that only they're interested in, and participate in in-jokes which excludes the wives. I mean, it actually IS rude for them to do this.

I would be asking him to try and keep the conversation where everyone can participate, because what's the point of getting all together as a group otherwise?

Ask their advice about something. If you’re going to be forced to repeat this night for the rest of your life you might as well try and to break the ice and start being a tiny bit vulnerable with each other.

Holy cow they do not! We do not have that conversation with random groups of women?

Exactly, this is a certain kind of conversation a buisiness meeting really. You don’t give personal stuff away that the women will tell the husbands.

Do you not grow anything? Have you never tried? Are there nice estates around where people can visit the garden? Might you take a friend to one if they like gardens? Ask her about her garden, surely that sets her off?
I cannot believe they don’t take any holidays for you to ask about. 50s renovations are interesting - ask if there’s less stock as time goes by, how you know there’s no chance for recovering a property that’s been updated cheaply to modern, does it need some features to be worth it… mind you I’d love to talK about AI too, you’re all older from the sounds of it- ask if they think ai robots will be the aged care of the future and say thoughtfully if it meant I could stay in my home I might welcome one in!!