How do I accept my mum cannot offer more support?

OP you want your mum to change, but she won't. She is who she is and that's who she's always been - selfish, avoidant, disappointing - and if you keep hoping for something else from her all that will lead to will be upset and disappointment. I think the best thing you can do is accept that this is who she is, she isn't going to change and, unfortunately, she will never be the mother you want her to be

@floofsss sorry to say but you have to let go of the dream of an involved mum. Keep your distance or you will constantly be hurt by her. Sending hugs x i I've been there and in end I just kept my distance for my own sake

Agree with this.

OP I am so sorry you didnt have the mum you deserved.

I have found radical acceptance to be helpful- accept the fact she isnt a supportive mother and dont fight against it because you wont change her. The worst thing you could do now is to expect that she will finally change and then be plunged back into bitter rejection when she doesnt step up (again).

She isnt capable of helping you and it's absolutely not your fault. Dont have any expectations of her and seek support from the people in your life you know are happy to be there for you.

I’d see a therapist, and decide how much contact you can manage.

But whatever her words are saying, her actions are telling you how she’ll be. Prepare for that. My mum is dead and I had no issues with that, it’s been a long time, and it’s still been bizarrely upsetting seeing my antenatal and mum friends get loads of support, and often moan about their mums, when we get nothing. That sounds a lot more bitter written down, and that’s not how it feels - I just feel a big sense of loss that I don’t have someone looking out for me, and guilt that my children don’t have that relationship. My eldest is four and is on first name terms with many of his close friend’s grandparents. It’s likely to be something that confronts you so you need to have fully dealt with it before you’re pregnant.

I think that you have to accept that this is the way she is going to be and adjust your expectations that the relationship is going to be like catching up with a old neighbor or workmate. Someone who knows your past etc and that you have history with but is not someone that you can count on for anything more than a brief catchup.

OP, I would really encourage you finding a therapist locally and having some counselling. You need to make peace with the fact you can’t change her, and that’s a really difficult thing to do. Having a therapeutic space to unpick and process that will do future you a lot of good rather than going through your life holding this longing and resentment.

She is never going to change. Sorry.

Words are cheap. Look at her actions. She is not going to do a complete about-turn and become the loving mum or grandmother you need and would love to have, so any hope you have will be in vain.

I’m sorry to hear about your mum. That’s not nice for you, but you need to make peace with it as it’s outside of your control. Do you not have more ire for your dad? - he seems the worse of the two, made/forced/asked her to bear his child then did none of the parenting leaving the parent who made it clear beforehand she didn’t want to do it?

I don't think you sound entitled whatsoever. But for your own wellbeing continue being realistic about how your mother will respond during your pregnancy and once baby is born.

What you do have the ability to do is change the future experience of your child(ren).