Feel like I'm annoying and need to watch my words

You sound like a normal human being not a listening robot. What happens when you talk to your partner? Are they a perfect listener?

Tell me more about The Amazing Woman At Work?

It’s never dandruffy Derek from accounts is it?

He’s trying to change you and control your speech. It’s a fetish for some people. Are you financially entangled? If not I’d dump, he obviously wants to monologue not have a 2 way conversation and wants you to be his listening robot. He doesn’t see you as a person worthy of respect and is not interested in your thoughts.

Woman at work hey...

My partner is like that too. He doesn't converse in the same way most people do and tends to monologue. He also leaves gaps where I used to try to say something, even if it was just to show I was listening, but he'd then say he hadn't finished and carried on. I've learnt to wait a bit longer before I reply and not to bother suggesting things. It's like a different way of conversing - a bit awkward to learn but fine really.

Offering solutions is generally a bad idea unless asked for help.

But the rest of it just sounds standard.

It seems you can't do right for doing wrong!

Your communication styles are different.

Don't problem solve though, especially when they've asked you not to. They just want sympathy. Your sympathetic noises are not sufficiently sympathetic for them. (Tone or timing?)

You need to discuss communication styles at some neutral point. They need to know you are trying.

You might just not be compatible.

He sounds like a selfish arsehole. How on earth can you live on eggshells about every word you speak. Meanwhile Tiffany in accounts is just the perfect listener - he tried to make you feel insecure so you'll be too afraid to tell him to fuck off.

You're normal. He's not.

Please tell him to fuck off. This is no way to live.

This.

Dump him. You can do better

When you speak, does he sit there in silence?

Op from what you've said he seems a bit of a dick. But without hearing the conversation its difficult.

I worked in and managed call centres for years and we taught people that thry needed to give verbal nods..mmmm. I see. Ok. Just short responses to let the person know you are listening.

On TV news interviews they usually use one camera so they film the main interview from behind the person asking the questions, then refilm facing the interviewer with them just nodding. Again to show the public they were listening.

Are you perhaps saying too much in you are saying cool, ok, yeh every 30 seconds which can sound patronising or that you want them to stop talking?

Or is he just a complete dick who wants a monologue session to a brick wall

No, I dont get policed about what I am saying because I am not with a total bellend.

Sorry that you are OP but I would suggest breaking out of speech prison and dumping this idiot

Bluntly, this man doesnt like you let alone love you.

I suggest you tell him to "fuck off as far as you can until no more fucks are visible and stay there"

Find another bloke

Sounds like hard work and that this person is critical and picky.

I think theres an obsession these days from some people expecting others to be a perfect sounding board, someone who will listen intently to every word they say & hang off it and basically allow them to muse out loud while they think it through. It seems very self centred and one way to me, not sure if it stems from people having counselling/therapy where essentially you are paying for someone to listen to you/prompt your reflections.

Some people just want an audience not a conversation. I had a colleague who was like this. She once said huffily "you need to work on your listening skills. Do you realise you are listening to respond when you should be listening to understand/learn".

People who say this generally have a high self opinion & think you should think their every word is fascinating & valuable. It smacks of an unequal relationship, where the speaker isnt valuing the other person.

I actually think the constant focus on expecting others to listen passively and not contribute or share their own thoughts is another sign of the selfish navel gazing zeitgeist. We should value balanced two way conversation and be open to hearing others views. If you simply want to muse and not hear from others , do it in your head. Other people do not have to be interested in hearing this.

This isnt an interview though. Its a conversation. In an interview the questioner/listener is specifically seeking information & opinions from the speaker. The interviewer is just a medium/prompt for that information.

From your point of view it does sound like you’ve given it lots of thought and are doing your best. However, from their point of view, for whatever reason they don’t feel that they’re being heard. It might be, as others have said, that they’re just a bit of a dick, but it might not. Can I ask if you are actually interested in what they’re saying? I find with my husband that I’m generally left feeling very frustrated and not really listened to whenever I try to talk to him about things I’m finding difficult in my life. Like you, he does try and maybe I’m the dick in this scenario but I think what it boils down to is that he doesn’t really want to listen to me, he’s basically waiting for me to finish so he can get on with something else. It’s not because he doesn’t love me, it’s just not the way he’s built. Whatever ‘strategies’ he employs (he works in management so I’ve had them all over the years!) I can just tell he’s not really listening. This is often even the case when I’m talking about our children, let alone friendships or work etc. He doesn’t talk about his feelings and however he tries to mask it I know he doesn’t want to hear about mine either! I don’t think I’m a monologuing narcissist and he’s a genuinely lovely man, but it has been an ongoing issue over the course of our otherwise happy 20 year marriage…

I exactly had this with my ex! Does your partner also accuse you of interrupting after yet another loooong pause in his sentence? The problem is never him, though. Sod that. It's not a major reason why we split up but it's definitely up there as a contributory factor.

Have you told him, OP, how annoying he is with his long pauses? And who's this amazing woman at work who is so much better at you with her listening? I'd be thinking about getting rid if I were you. And by the way, it is not you, it's him.

What I’m trying to say is that whatever strategies you try, if you’re not actually interested, that will shine through. Obviously no one has the ‘right’ to be listened to unquestioningly and intently for hours on end, or in an unequal unreciprocated way, but I do think that it is a reasonable expectation from a life partner that they do so sometimes, especially if you’re having a tricky time with something.

No- he is criticising her constantly no matter what her response is. If OP wasnt listening or didnt care she wouldn't be posting about it here.

This isnt just one conversation either - it appears that across conversations her response according to him is always "wrong" and nothing she has said appears to be odd or unusual.

Triangulating her with the women at his work is also really toxic behaviour.

He sounds crap...nitpicky and domineering.

Don't say 'I'm sorry' - 'I'm sorry to hear that'.