Was I wrong to help my friend find a flat?

7 replies

Trumpetplayer86 · 22/07/2026 13:55

Name changed for this but been a mumsnetter for years.

Please MNHQ don't put this on facebook

Not sure if I did the right thing.

Friend fled a DV situation a few weeks ago. Neighbours called police and it was forced on her to leave. She is worried about her H who has medical problems. She is not allowed to contact her H or go home until the police have investigated, which should have taken 2-3 weeks but it's been more than that now. Someone from her church (who is also related to me) has taken her in but she hates it there and begged me for help. So I printed off some details from rightmove about private rented flats for her about 20 minutes walk from her old house as she can't use the internet (she asked me for flats in the catchment area of her current dr surgery, otherwise I would have looked for places further away).

Now my relative is furious with me, saying I should have waited for the police, she won't be safe in a flat on her own (they think she will go back to her H). But my friend is really grateful to me and tbh I think she would have gone back to her H soon anyway if she'd had to live there much longer. My relative isn't being abusive to her but they are a nightmare to live with and my friend is now very isolated.

OP posts:

Aiming4Optimistic · 22/07/2026 15:15

I think a grown arse women gets to choose where she lives and what she wants is more important than anyone else's opinion. Even if those other people have her best interests at heart.
She may or may not return to her h, but it's important she know that there are friends out there, who have her back and will support her in ways that she feels are valuable.

Original poster

Trumpetplayer86 · 22/07/2026 15:26

Thanks, that's what I thought. I don't know much about safeguarding adults, I'm trained to work with children, but I'm pretty sure adults get to make their own decisions, even if they want to do something that might be risky. The police have told her that her H will be arrested again if she contacts him while he is on bail so I'm fairly certain she won't go back to him at the moment.

OP posts:

orangehandles · 22/07/2026 15:38

Your obnoxious relative from church is showing their true colours there then. Not much in the way of love and compassion for someone in need.

Remind your relative about the Good Samaritan.

SilenceInside · 22/07/2026 15:40

You provided information that she otherwise could have found out herself, it’s not as if you paid a deposit, the first months rent and moved her into a flat. What she chooses to do with that information is up to her and it’s wrong of your relative to be angry at you.

At some point she needs somewhere to live, and unless the police suggest it’s a women’s refuge and she wants to go to one, then it will need to be a private rental flat.

Aiming4Optimistic · 22/07/2026 18:18

Are the police supporting her to access her personal property from the house?
I never really understand how these situations work - surely if a man is so dangerous that a woman has to leave her home, said man should be the one forcibly removed and prevented from going near the home, not the victim. If he's so dangerous, he can't be allowed to know where she is, then he should he in prison!

Original poster

Trumpetplayer86 · 22/07/2026 19:08

Aiming4Optimistic · 22/07/2026 18:18

She was allowed to go back briefly while he was in custody but she didn't manage to get everything. He owns the house so that's why she had to leave i think. I don't know why he has been released, the police haven't decided whether to charge him yet though, that's what was meant to be happening 2-3 weeks after the arrest. I know she was offered emergency accommodation but that's when my relative told her that emergency accommodation would be something really awful and grubby/mouldy etc and that she should go and stay with them. The police didn't say what the emergency accommodation would be so I'm assuming it wasn't a refuge.

OP posts:

Aiming4Optimistic · 22/07/2026 19:48

Ahh, that makes more sense then, if it's his house. The more you post about the relative, the more I think you are right to help her find a place that's hers.

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