Feel like I’m going insane - it’s a dog one sorry

Madness. Sounds like it’s plenty old enough to be left at home.

does sound like they like the control and reaction maybe. Nobody else does this surely. You wouldn’t risk someone’s life just to make a point

Can you host things or events you particularly want to go to at yours? Or somewhere dogs aren't allowed? You shouldnt have to do this but it might make it easier to say no dogs....

sounds like the dog would turn up though. Of course they can’t let it in though.

Would you say that if someone had a peanut allergy?
There are some ridiculous answers on the thread. OP, you have my sympathy, I know ow fro. 1st hand experience that most people don't understand allergies. Fortunately, as we have Labradors, I am not allergic to dogs.

Are you really missing anything tbh it would be a bit of a win you get a free pass to fuck it off and they will start looking like twats

I think you roll back your offer to compromise - "it seems our attempt to compromise such that the dog can be present if outside and on a lead have caused some confusion. For simplicity, since DH, me and DD are all allergic to dogs and end up very unwell in their presence, we won't be attending any events where the dog is there from now".

Repeat every single time it's asked (maybe just using the second bit) with no further detail or explanation. They will get bored of asking if they only ever get the same response. Ideally, this should go from DH of course!

Edit to add - set up separate plans with MiL!

DD showing signs of allergy now too is the perfect time to draw a new boundary of no dog when you're there.

"It isn't safe for DD to take the medications we take to be around your dog, and she won't understand how to avoid it completely, with hand washing after contact and other measures we take. So until we learn the severity of her allergy we can't be at events when the dog is there.

It's unfortunate but there's nothing we can do to stop being allergic. There is no equivalence with DCs attending events as there's nobody there who is allergic to them. Its possible you've misunderstood, we don't dislike your dog, we dislike the way our body reacts to him."

We have dogs and cats and i cant believe how awful your in laws are being!
What do they say to justify it, 'it wont be that bad' 'we'll keep you seperate' stuff??

This is excellent wording, my only suggestion would be changing 'wont' to 'cant!'

My clothes were setting off my sister's dog allergy when I was visiting and when I realised I try to make sure I brought stuff that was washed, dried outside and then put in plastic bag at the back of the wardrobe until it was time to put in my suitcase. Got dressed just before leaving my house. Allergies are miserable - it's not her problem I have a dog!

Honestly, just delete the messages when you get them and let your DH deal with it (or not) as he suggested. It's pointless repeating the same thing over and over, they're not prepared to listen it's just opening the conversation up for them to try to browbeat you.

I get so annoyed when people put their dogs first. Why do they have to take their dogs everywhere? They are so selfish. Just keep refusing

You don't need to have an argument, you don't need anyone to stick up for you, you don't need to respond to messages. You've set your boundary, just stick to it.

YA obviously NBU, this is shit behaviour.

Do not hide how upset and disappointed you are. The people pleaser thing to do is to minimise your own emotions. When you're pestered, say exactly how you feel- "I'm really hurt that they're prioritising the dog over us" "it's really upsetting that you literally want us to be ill so your dog can come to events". Your SIL is winning because she's shouting the loudest about her wants. Shout louder about your needs. This is your family's health, you're entitled to do that. ❤️

They are BVU.
DS is allergic to certain dogs, it worsens his asthma. It's a pest as he loves dogs, he can't stay at DSis house as she has a dog that he is allergic to, she is never offended. He is fine with dogs outdoors.

Not wanting to be wheezy isn't being melodramatic ffs, its very uncomfortable.
I have allergy related asthma which rarely happens but when it does its very uncomfortable. I have regular hayfever which I use antihistamines and eye drops for but asthmatic symptoms are much worse, struggling to breathe is shit.

Not the dogs fault, its the people involved Batsh*t Bonkers. Pretty sure the dog wouldn't care if he was left alone for a few hours.

“We aren’t making a special effort to avoid this dog. We avoid all dogs as it makes us ill. I’d hate to inconvenience you all by needing to rush to A&E”.

And obviously, none of these people will be able to be in sole charge of your son, as they don’t understand allergies.

I think there is a sliding scale of allergies - I am allergic to small animals (eg. our guinea pigs) but not dogs. Not just runny nose and pink eyes - like hayfever and treatable with antihistamine. My allergy reaction was so bad the last 3 times I cleaned my kids’ GPs’ cage out we escalated from acute asthma, to having a paramedic sit with me at home for 6 hours on a special machine until my blood SATS improved to being blue lighted to hospital the final time. The GPs were rehomed at that stage.

@BakedPotatoBeansCheeseColeslaw I think you need to make clear that the level of your/DH’s allergies are acute and severe. If they are life threatening/potentially hospitalising/you end up missing days off work, then you need to make it very very clear that this is the case. The word ‘allergies’ is used so casually it may genuinely be that the family truly do not understand just how ill it makes you and DH.

Atleast you know where you stand with them. They prefer the dog/sister in law. We are dog lovers here. Dogs always welcome and we generally tell people if they are visiting we have pets so they have a choice if they want to visit or meet elsewhere!
Would you be drawing such a hard line if it were a guide dog or would you make compromise?
Either way - your presence at events are not mandatory - so you don’t have to go. You don’t even have to explain why.

When did guide dogs suddenly become hypoallergenic? Clearly the OP wouldn’t attend an event a guide dog was at because she would have an allergic reaction it’s just she’d probably understand that a guide dog is essential to a blind person and therefore she would have to stay away as the blind persons needs matter more in this situation. Demanding SIL not leaving a standard family pet alone for a few hours though out of selfishness is a completely different kettle of fish!

I really feel for you. They’re selfish twats and you can’t stop caring about their feelings as they couldn’t give a toss about yours. You’re pregnant, you don’t need this stress. If DH can ignore them so can you! I’d send one final very firm message, good suggestions already posted, then refuse to reply to anything else about it.

I'd get a standard response and stick to it.

"Sorry. Just rechecked and still very allergic to dogs, so no we won't be coming"

If they say you need to restrict your kids going to family events if their dog can't come, send out a poll asking if anyone has severe allergies to your kid. If they do, you're happy to stay home and not expose them to the allergen. Double whammy - points out their ridiculousness re the kids argument and their selfishness re subjecting you to a known allergen.