DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

Thank you @mulberrymilk and @Flyingintotheunknown for your posts. (And the others who have been supportive and understanding, which has been the majority to be fair.)

Yes it is very easy for the people who find it so easy to just say NO to say that everyone else needs to do the same! For some of us, it's not so easy. I know I should have 'used my words' 🙄and told her in the first place, but I didn't. I have now though, and she is in no doubt that I am NOT going to work in her charity shop, OR join the walking group .... Regarding the small handful of people saying the ✔probably means she is pissed off, well I don't know if she is, but I couldn't give a shit quite honestly.

A bit of an update. DH spoke to his cousin yesterday evening, (via WhatsApp,) and his cousin said 'Sue wonders if she's upset Bells by asking her if she wanted to do some shifts in her charity shop, and join her walking group, because she sent a message to her the other day, and she was pleasant enough really, but sounded very slightly annoyed...'

DH said to his cousin 'Sue didn't ask though, about the charity shop or the walking group, she was telling her she's lining her up for some shifts - 2 eight hour ones a week, and enrolling her in the walking group, without even asking.' Cousin said 'well she was only trying to help her fill her time when she retires...'

DH said 'Bells will have no problem filling her time at all, and it would have been nice if Sue had asked, but she didn't, and Bells felt she was being ordered to do it LOL. Maybe she should have just said no in the first place, but we know Sue doesn't like taking no for an answer LMFAO. Anyway, it's done now, and Bells has told Sue that she's not doing it.' Cousin said 'well I have to admit Sue is known for railroading people into things a bit sometimes, but Bells made herself clear enough that she's not doing either one PMSL.' Then 30 seconds later he messaged 'Oooh, don't tell her I said this by the way!'

So yeah, even her husband knows she's bossy and controlling, and yeah she did think my message was a little bit salty.

I do not give a shit. I don't regret one single word of the message I sent her. To the posters saying I should have been more 'nice' and more 'kind' and not been 'brusque,' you don't know her, she needs a firm message to put her in her place. As I (and several others have said,) no matter what message I sent, someone was going to critisize it. I had people saying 'grow a spine,' and 'use your words!' and 'have you seriously got to nearly 60 and not got the ability to say NO?' and all that jazz.... Then when I DID 'bite back' and make it clear I was NOT doing it, some people were like 'oooh, no that was TOO brusque and salty, you should have been NICER!' PMSL can't win with some people. 😆

DH finished off by saying 'Bells isn't upset or offended, she just didn't want to do either thing - work in the shop OR join the walking group, so you can report back to Sue that all is OK.' 😆

Seeing her soon, so hopefully all is well. I'm sure she'll be fine, after her DH reassures her I am not 'offended!'

It sounds like no harm done but I do think your response was a bit wordy and snippy. All you needed to say was I appreciate you thinking of me for the shifts but I’m very much looking forward to not working so it’s a definite no to that.

Just to pick up on this, because I see the 'women don't have to be polite and nice..' argument a lot.
Its based in a sound principle of encouraging women to be assertive, but it's actually about speaking truth to power. Not a green card to speak to each other in ways that show no consideration, care or empathy for the feelings of other women.
I'm not saying your message falls into that category. I'm making a general point. Because I think its unfortunate that what should be a principle of empowerment has become repurposed to encourage us to be rude to other women as some sort of feminist act.

Was the woman polite and nice with op in telling her she will be spending her retirement life working shifts for free in a charity shop and that she will be joining a walking group? No!
It wasn’t just a suggestion to the op and asking her if she wanted to do it, she basically TOLD the op she would be doing it! What’s polite about that? Yet there seems to be this bizarre expectation on this thread that the op should be polite to some cheeky fucker piss taker who thinks she has the right to control how the op spends her retirement??

@Flyingintotheunknown

You’re very welcome op.
And what a great update by you. I’m sure all will be fine when you see her soon. At least she won’t dare mention the charity shop shifts or the walking group again haha. I can’t believe your DH’s cousin said that she was just trying to find things to fill in your time 🤣 At least it has been agreed with everyone that this Sue is controlling and bossy.

True! 😃

@JanBlues2026 · Today 10:23

It sounds like no harm done but I do think your response was a bit wordy and snippy. All you needed to say was I appreciate you thinking of me for the shifts but I’m very much looking forward to not working so it’s a definite no to that.

@Flyingintotheunknown

Why should she? As op has already said, the woman tried to force it on her, she didn’t ask, she just pretty much told op she will be working shifts at the charity shop and joining the walking group.

Exactly!!!

@5128gap · Today 10:15

Just to pick up on this, because I see the 'women don't have to be polite and nice..' argument a lot.

Its based in a sound principle of encouraging women to be assertive, but it's actually about speaking truth to power. Not a green card to speak to each other in ways that show no consideration, care or empathy for the feelings of other women.

I'm not saying your message falls into that category. I'm making a general point. Because I think its unfortunate that what should be a principle of empowerment has become repurposed to encourage us to be rude to other women as some sort of feminist act.

@Flyingintotheunknown

Was the woman polite and nice with op in telling her she will be spending her retirement life working shifts for free in a charity shop and that she will be joining a walking group? No!

It wasn’t just a suggestion to the op and asking her if she wanted to do it, she basically TOLD the op she would be doing it! What’s polite about that? Yet there seems to be this bizarre expectation on this thread that the op should be polite to some cheeky fucker piss taker who thinks she has the right to control how the op spends her retirement??

Completely agree with all your posts @Flyingintotheunknown And thank you.

I don't think speaking your mind should be a free pass to be rude and unpleasant to people, and I never am, and never have been. Indeed, I have always been TOO nice - to my detriment. (A result of my upbringing and being conditioned to believe girls and women should #BeKind and be NICE, no matter how badly people treat them, or how much they use them....) But I am not going to sit back and be shit on, walked on, and fucked over.

Happened too many times in my life, and whilst I do have patience and tolerance and will give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time, I will snap occasionally, and it's not always going to be pretty, or 'nice' or 'polite...'

And it is not some kind of feminist act, it's me bloody well saying NO! (And don't ask me again!) If some people see that as me being a big old meanie, and not being KIND, then that's on them. I can't control how other people feel, or how they see things.

No absolutely op I completely agree. Being nice and polite has its time and place. That’s when people are being nice and polite with you! Not when they are completely walking all over you! As you said earlier in the thread, your DH will be retiring shortly after you and there was no expectation placed on him by ‘Sue’ to give up his time to work for free in a charity shop or to join a walking group. Is that because she feels your DH would have just said “no”? Most likely. Sue was doing it for her own selfish agenda - because her boss wanted her to find more people to volunteer in the charity shop. And because the walking group apparently need more people to join. Sue just wanted to take the credit in finding ‘volunteers’ and ‘new joiners’ for herself. And she thought you would be a great candidate as you’d “just do it”. Well you put her in her place. Proud of you 👏

I said I was making a general point about this oft repeated "women don't have to be nice..." rather than a specific comment on the OPs situation, precisely to avoid people responding by rehashing the arguments already made in the thread.
I'm not saying the OP was wrong. I'm not commenting on her response to the woman. I'm commenting on the way "women don't have to be nice..." is used.

Just say you’re not going to be volunteering there. And that you prefer to walk alone. Just express your preferences! It’s not rude to do so.

You kind of ruin your point after saying you’ve worked 43 years when you then say that for 28 of that you only worked part time though.

Thanks for asking @LadyMinerva Yes we did meet up at a get together with 8 of us. She was polite and OK with me, but was fairly quiet to begin with. She got a bit louder later on LOL. It was as if nothing at happened, and then about 2 hours into seeing her, I was alone with her for a minute, and she said 'about this thing with the charity shop, and the walking group, let me know if you change your mind. Hope I didn't upset you.' I said 'yes I will and no you didn't...' and just smiled at her.

Nothing else to report. Hopefully she won't ask me again!

I was alone with her for a minute, and she said 'about this thing with the charity shop, and the walking group, let me know if you change your mind.

Perhaps now those who don't understand that simply saying 'no' doesn't work with people like this ... she's still trying to rope OP in!

No wonder her own husband sent a panic follow up message telling OP's husband not to mention their conversation to her about it all!