Struggling with feelings about an abortion 30 years later

Mine was when I was 20, so 32 years ago now. I am quite emotional as a rule but this is something that I have never regretted. I was in absolutely no position to bring a baby into this world. Like you I couldn’t tell my parents and even if I had, I was too young, no money, no stability and I would not have been in a position to provide my baby with the kind of life he or she would have thrived in.

I think it’s the practicalities of it that always let me know that despite it being hard and sad, it was still on balance the right decision at the time.

Therapy may be painful at first , but won't make you feel worse in the long term. The abortion was clearly a huge thing for you and you've never talked about it, so you need to. I suggest not trying to justify or explain it, just feel whatever you feel and share it with someone.

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You are not the only person who feels this way, and support is available. With the people I know in a similar situation, it's more recent, but that's not the point. You deserve counselling and support. People are less likely to minimise things nowadays-older women say they used to be told to "get over" having abortions, having babies adopted, miscarriages etc. Everyone going through these things deserves care. It's not just a "woman's issue" to be ignored.

I have no idea what changed. I can only assume it was the passage of time……albeit a long time. I still remember the date I had the termination and the date the baby was due and those dates will be etched in my mind forever, but it doesn’t hurt me now like it used to. Before I used to be so sad on those dates and I would force myself to think of what I did and the baby that could have been, but it was almost like I wanted to make myself feel bad, as thought I felt I deserved to be punished. I don’t think I will ever really understand it but I do know it wasn’t healthy.

Now when the dates come around I will have occasional fleeting thoughts of what happened but I don’t focus on them anymore, I have a few moments where I pay my respects to the memory but then I close the lid and accept that I can’t change what happened in the past.

I still sometimes think about what could have been, how my life would have been different if my mum had given me a choice about what I wanted to do…. Maybe I still would have terminated? I will never know.

I realised that suppressing difficult memories is never a good thing so when the dates come round each year, or something else triggers the memory, I just embrace it, I allow myself to feel what I feel, but stay grounded and keep reminding myself that I can’t turn back the clock or change what happened.

It was an incredibly painful time of my life and in some days I don’t want to forget about it, but I have at least reached a point where remembering it doesnt hurt anymore.

Hi OP,

When I was 16 I got pregnant and my mom told me I had to have a termination. There was no discussion to be had.

It took me about 20 years to reach a point where I could talk about it without crying. I felt so much anger and hatred towards myself for what I had done even though logically I was just a 16 year old girl whose
mum had frog-marched me down to the clinic.

It’s been 26 years this year since it happened, and this yesr was the first year that I woke up on the anniversary of the termination and it wasn’t the first thing I thought of. It wasn’t until about midday that I suddenly thought, “Oh my god, today is the anniversary of when I had the termination” and I felt guilty towards the baby that I had forgotten.

I am now married and I have two children but I have never forgotten about the baby that could have been.

I’m at a place now where the anger and shame towards myself has eased, I no longer hate myself, cry about it or internally punish myself in any way for what happened, but it isn’t something I will ever forget.

I know my situation is different to yours as I had no choice in my termination but I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t the only one out there who still struggled even decades later.

Did big life things happen to you in your late 20s and is that making you wonder what if? When big things (or small things but things that impacted me in a ‘big’ way) happened to me, I thought about them more when my own children got to those ages, comparing my life at that age with theirs, might it be something similar?

Or menopause, a kind of finality? Whatever you did in the past you can have another go at it until nature says ‘actually, no you can’t’.

I'm sorry you still feel a bit shit about it @Atthebottomofthebag Maybe it's the anniversary coming up? Glad you have one DD.

Something else that sprang to mind was a thing I read just this week which was about young children saying spooky things, one of which was a kid to his mum who’d had an abortion at 16 I think and he asked her ‘why didn’t you want me when you were at school?’ Or something more specific, but basically indicating the same kid had tried to be born earlier, then she had him later in life instead- I know it sounds crazy, but there were a few stories like this. Was on instagram.

I read something once which stayed with me which was, ‘Never berate yourself for a decision you made in the past because you are always doing what you think is right at that time with the information available to you.’

I hope you can get some good support with this, it sounds incredibly tough. Sending 💕💐

Did you have any children afterwards/later on @Atthebottomofthebag ?

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I do think it's more common then most think to have feelings of regret and what it's etc When you are perhaps more in a place to have a child or in your case maybe you like the thought of having a 30yr adult child in your life? So, in a way, at this time in your life, having that child would've been ok?

Someone close to me had a abortion 15 years ago, aged 17. At the time, it was 100% the right decision, and she felt nothing but relieved at no longer being pregnant. Now she is in her 30s she often finds herself wondering about the baby and how nice it would be to have a child, etc

@Atthebottomofthebag
I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. If you don’t mind me asking: have you had other children since then or is this more of a feeling that you “missed that chance” so to speak?
I get the impression it may be the latter. I’m not a psychologist but I do feel it’s possibly more about making peace with what your life is and what you may have hoped/expected.
And yes I think you might find that talking to a professional could help with that.
Sending you best wishes and

Kindly it’s been 30 years, you need to put it to bed so yes go get some therapy.