I’ve made the in-laws hate me even more…

Its a basic lack of respect for human life. How could you possibly stay attracted to someone who knows they could have killed someone and did it anyway. By staying with people who do horrible things, you are saying it's bloody okay!

Your thread title is a bit odd. It doesn't sound as though your in-laws hate you "even more." Or indeed at all. But it certainly seems that you hate them and (unfairly) blame them for your husband's unconscionable behaviour. He's a grown man for heaven's sake, it's long past time to stop placing the blame for his actions on Mummy and Daddy.

You say in the OP that you sent a message "to let them know how pissed off I was that they had allowed him to drive in the state he was in." I think they showed remarkable restraint in not responding to a message of misplaced blame. You say the message wasn't rude, but you not only held them responsible for your husband's actions, you told them you were "pissed off" about it. That sounds pretty rude to me.

What sort of friends and family does your OH have. We aren’t talking about stopping strangers here!

I hope he has recovered and justice has been served - awful this happened when trying to help a friend. Hopefully he has new, better mates now.

I would seriously consider ending the relationship over this. It’s such moronic behaviour. Do you have any children together?

When you’ve suffered loss through someone else choosing to drive after drinking alcohol then the answer is yes. None of our family ever had as much as one drink and then drove a vehicle this was always non negotiable even before “the accident” as some like to refer to it. You’d feel very differently if it happened to you or anyone close to you. We’ve spoken to the parents and other family members of the person who was responsible for my brothers death, it affects everyone involved. We’re not yet at the point that we feel able to speak to the person who drove the vehicle that hit my brothers car, the person was over the limit yet here we are, they’re serving a prison sentence leaving a young family without a parent for a specific amount of time. Perhaps one day we’ll feel ready to ask the questions we want to face to face, four years on none of us want to look at them. We’re left serving a life sentence wondering why someone would hit a car, knock it into a field and drive away to try and protect the fact they’d had a drink and chose to drive. It may just “be a few” drinks to some, to others a “few drinks” changes many lives. Have a think about that.

Edited to add the person who chose to drink drive and left 2 children without a father is the scum of the earth imo.

@Mumofyellows I wasn’t rude, obviously he is an adult and made the choice. But they are such enablers, I have never known a group of adults to need to drink to such excess."

No, this is not an "adult" making a choice. This is a criminal offence where your husband could have seriously harmed someone.

I didn’t get a single reply to my message. I over heard a call from his parents where they said he was silly for driving but luckily he “got away with it”. They genuinely only think the risk was being pulled over, not that he could have killed himself or some other poor person . I heard his Mum say “well never mind alls well that ends well, it was a good night.”

His parents need to change their mentality and attitude.

If I had ever been caught drink driving by my parents, the outcome would have been a thousand times worse.

The title of this thread is, you made your in laws hate you even more & not how do I leave my DH because he chose to drink drive & put not only his but other peoples lives at risk.

how did you even end up married when your values and lifestyles differ so much.

honestly, your in laws are not to blame here. Your husband is a grown ass adult who made the decision to get in the car drunk.

no one else. Stop blaming the wrong people or pass blame

I get what you mean OP.. They should have been angry about it too.
Not sure why most aren't getting what you mean but in true mumsnet form, the hysterical, holier than thou posts totally missing your point have not disappointed.

Okay, your opening post and the actual message were very different.

Like you, I would have also wanted them to know he drove home in that condition and definitely would be asking that someone take the keys away from him next time.

As an older adult with adult kids, I wouldn't reply saying what I thought in the group chat. I would absolutely think my kid was a moron for doing that. I'd be furious about the danger they put themselves and others in. I just wouldn't put it in the group chat or in writing, I'd be telling them in person myself. Drinking for the big game? Totally understandable (even though I barely drink myself). Driving like that? Beyond stupid!

I just wouldn't do it in writing, in a chat with the rest of the family. Privately and to their face, yes! I would also make sure they didn't ever drive anywhere like that again. I'd hide their keys and deny any knowledge of where they are.

Absolutely

i Didn’t. No way was I staying married to someone like that, I’ve got too much self respect and respect for other people. Absolutely killed any respect I had for him.

@Mumofyellows Normally I would say that it's not the end of the world not getting on with your inlaws. But since your dh are so very close to them and have similar values (or lack thereof) I would say this is a big problem. Whining to you like an adolescent that they all think you're a killjoy because he can't get hammered..pleeease! Driving drunk which is accepted by all- are they stupid or what? My Mil would be furious- I can always count on her to take "my side" when dh is being unreasonable and yet he would never drink and drive. He's 50, care about his health so never get hammered like in his twenties. He sounds very immature and not a good fit for you at all.

This would be a deal breaker for me. Are you planning to have children? Every single Christmas of their little lives will be surrounded by adults drinking too much, including their father.

I get your point! Obviously it was his decision to drive but if he’d planned to stay over and then changed his mind, why did no one say ‘no, you absolutely can’t’. If it’s a family gathering, I think everyone has a shared responsibility to make sure someone doesn’t do something really stupid. I’d be very annoyed at all of them.

So you would just ignore the fact that your son had driven while under the influence of alcohol and could have killed someone.

I wouldn't have texted the family in your situation. I have a great relationship with my ILs and I wouldn't text them in this situation either.

I'd find it very difficult to get past what your DH did though. I presume this isn't the first time he's driven drunk?

You can't involve the police after they have finished driving. They have to be behind the wheel.

Absolutely! I have a zero tolerance to drink driving. It ruins lives. And if my partner showed such little regard to human life that he got behind the wheel after a drink, knowing my feelings on it, then yes, it would be a deal breaker for me.

Your husband comes from a culture of drinking- are you sure you are well suited?
Many people drink when they are young then ease back, but less so when they come from a family like this- you won't change behaviour, just like thsat- so you have to decide whether you can live with this or not.

nothing was gained but I wanted them all to realise in the cold light of day that what he had done was not a normal thing to do for the majority of people.

Trying to ‘educate’ people like this never works, forget it, you are wasting your time . They are grown adults, as is your DH and his own idiotic decisions are on him. You and your DH sound mismatched, are your values aligned in other ways ? Do you respect him. It’s sounds like hard work, you are still young at 44. Marrying into a family of heavy drinkers is always going to be hard work and if you also don’t get on, frankly it’s a lot of hassle that no one needs, unless you can keep them low contact but it doesn’t sound like it.

Your 45 year old son?

do people really have these parent child relationships at middle age?!

my parents have respected me as an adult for at least a decade. There is no doubt they would be extremely disapproving of drunk driving from anyone, but the idea they would reach the same way they would if I was 18 is just bizarre to me.

But he might’ve got up after everyone went to bed and decided to drive home, he might’ve just disappeared and no one knew where. They were all presumably drunk too. Inventing some situation where they all cheerfully waved him off doesn’t help anyone.

I totally get you OP. My exh did crazy things (not this, just other things you wouldn’t want a H doing) and for years I didn’t say anything. But by keeping his secret I was enabling him. I should have sung it from the rooftops so that perhaps there would have been some shame. It is good to call something out, even if the family don’t react at least for a moment they will have had to face reality. And perhaps you will have sown a seed, who knows.

Of course it is his responsibility to not drink drive, but as people who love him, his family should also be doing what they can to keep him (and others!) safe and you have just reminded them of that fact.

The thing is shame isn’t a way of stopping someone doing something. The shame is often what keeps them doing it.