Discovered man I’ve been seeing for 5 years is a full-blown conman running a double life.

He must be an accomplished liar to have kept all this going for 5 years. Most women would have been querying not meeting the parents he allegedly lived with.

He’s got a son you didn’t know about, it’s unclear if he ever divorced, and I wouldn’t even rely on this wife actually being dead. Added to which he’s a gambling addict, obviously unable to pay his debts. 🤷‍♀️

You would never be able to trust him - as he’s basically dishonest….and without trust and honesty in a relationship, you’ve got nothing.

I wouldn’t, to be honest, just block. I’d give him a verbal volley he would never forget. And then I’d walk away and refuse any future contact.

When you start another relationship, I’d be a little bit more curious, and a little less trusting, until you really know him, than you’ve been though.

Yes, the police will want to know. He’s basically scammed you and - sorry to add to your woes, but you may not be the only one. I would report the whole thing and request a Clare’s law if you have enough personal info on him to do so. You need to know everything you can about this man so you know what you’re dealing with, and the best way to start protecting yourself is to get him out of your life.

OP, his mentioning a debt and a sob story about a dead wife and kids to support makes me think he's setting you up to give him money.

Agree with everyone else - of course you're reeling. What a complete head fuck. But you will never get the truth out of this man and he is dangerous. Every single further contact you have with him is a risk.

If you really can't put it behind you then cut contact and hire a private investigator to find out the truth. But don't ask him. He has spent 5 years demonstraating that he has no relationship with the truth.

Also agree with PleaseDontTreadOnTheDaisies, in the kindest possible way - 5 years and you didn't even know his address, didn't meet anyone in his life? You would be better off spending less time wondering about who he really is and more time working out what made you to so susceptible to this. I do not mean by this that you somehow deserved it. His treatment of you is absolutely shocking.

I really hope you find your feet quickly and this doesn't drag you down for too long.

Tell him it’s over over the phone, block him and don’t engage any further. You don’t need this drama in your life.

I think you need to examine the whys and wherefores of 'allowing' this sham to progress for 5 years.
You've described yourself as trauma bonded, which is a process, whilst simultaneously describing unawareness of anything untoward until now.
Knowing the whole truth about him isn't going to help you, indeed it may make matters worse. Moving towards a place of understanding yourself, and protecting yourself moving forward, should be your priority.

i suggest a Sarah’s Law application with the police.

you are not going to be the only one

I cant believe ypu were so naive to live like this for 5 years OP.
If I hadnt met family and friends within a year Id have realised this was a dud and moved on.

Agree with above re women’s aid , police -my friend and I house shared with a lying abuser like this - it transpired after his long term girlfriend asked me to corroborate some of his lies about his future faking for herself and her kids.She was flabbergasted and traumatised by the revelations of his lies. Later talking together we discovered two other women he was in relationships with and manipulating like could have been more. Sicko. It’s not your fault- they can be so convincing until suddenly they’re not. The great thing was women coming together to confront him - LTB and don’t look back - your future is brighter.

Make a Sarah’s law/ Claire’s law request urgently!

BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK
You don't owe him anything, you need to leave him ASAP! You are also trauma bonded so will need to seek therapy. Please change your locks ASAP and leave your home for 2 weeks, can you stay with family for a short while? He will come looking for you, be prepared to act like a stone. You have to cut him off completely, there is no going back from this. Ask your bank to do an enhanced check and also do a full credit check. Do you still have your passport at home? Did he leave any of his personal belongings in your home? Bag it up ASAP and leave it outside. Do not trust a word he says, even if there is an inch of you wanting some explanation, don't do it, you are trauma bonded and you need to escape from the abuse. Contact the police and womens refuge, DV charities, they will guide you on how to safely leave. Unfortunately this may not be the end, he will contact you again and again for the next year, don't give in, get therapy ASAP!

@PurplepenguinZ the death certificate is probably fake. If there is a house in trust, the family likely did it because they knew he couldn’t be trusted. The ‘they hate me’ stuff is designed to make you feel sorry for him.

Do you own your own place @PurplepenguinZ ? Not that it matters, because you need to get this cheating, lying, snake of a man out of your life ASAP.

Tbh and sorry to say , you have been very naive in this relationship and now should take some of the blame for your own anger you are feeling now.
You let this to on for far too long.
I get that people want to protect themselves early on in a relationship but his reluctance to share his life with you for so many years should of been the biggest red flag years ago .
Forget this man , your relationship was a lie , learn to not be gullible and move on .

Urgh op run don’t walk!!

Yes, you are so desperate for the truth. That’s all part and parcel of seeking comfort for yourself after the shock. You don’t like the pain. That’s natural.
But there is no truth, - except that you have been majorly deceived.

The way you respond now determines your future chances of happiness.

Make sure you do the right thing OP.

Understand and realise you have to get through the pain of not knowing everything without further contact with this debt ridden psychopath.
You are in potential danger if you listen to any more from him.
Nothing he says is reliable. Remind yourself that he is using you for his own fantasy life.

Your brain is used to accepting his words and denying your own concerns because it’s more comfortable……until the next time.
That’s how you have limped on for five years in what must have been a very unsatisfactory relationship.
We know that because it’s impossible to have been in a relationship with a man for five years and still not know for sure where he lives….where and who he goes home to.

Get help for yourself. Want better for yourself. You are worth much, much more than this fake fantasy life he has built around his lies.

You need coaching to understand that you can only rely on your own instincts, even if they are uncomfortable. You need to trust yourself first and foremost. Only when you can trust yourself to do the right thing can you start to trust others again.

Stop seeking the truth from him. Block him entirely from your life.
Look to yourself more. Rely on yourself more. Get to know yourself more. What do YOU actually want for yourself OP.
Learn to trust yourself and you will make better chances for your future self.
It’s a lot of heartache and work for you but you will get through this despair if you can be strong enough not to be lured back in to his deception and debt.
Take care!

Block and forget about the police- nothing here is illegal.

get counselling for yourself to understand why you accepted such crumbs from him for 5 years. Not even knowing a partner’s address for 5 years is absurd.

I agree about not involving the police, because at present it is not a crime. Obtaining goods and services by deception is, perhaps in some ways the same should apply to certain aspects about relationships.

It's entirely possible that his wife has died of breast cancer and that he emotionally checked out of the marriage and started looking elsewhere, because that's what a lot of men do when their wives get ill. Now she's dead, he wants to introduce you into his life 'officially'.

This is the least worst possibility, and that's fucking grim. Do you want to stay with a man who unwittingly made you the other woman whilst his wife was battling cancer? That instead of investing himself fully in supporting her and their two children, he instead set up an entire second life? And now he expects you to be part of his deception to his family, so you can never talk about the memories or experiences you've shared over the last five years, or how you met. You'd constantly be on edge around then having to keep your story straight.

And as I said, that's the least worst possibility. As others have recommended, get in contact with the police, because he could be dangerous, or a scam artist - you just don't know (but they might, that's what Clare's Law is for).

All the previous lies are horrendous enough but you know he’ll be lying about his wife dying of cancer that truly unforgivable.
block him and move on. He’s a very manipulative dangerous individual.

This is not your fault. Its his. Ignore those saying otherwise.

Don't focus on the truth, it will not give you the closure you need.
Tell the police. They can decide if its something worth pursuing.

I was the wife of a man like this. If his lips are moving, he is lying.
He told them I was just sharing the house..it had an annexe / granny flat and the rest was huge so we wouldn’t need to meet even sharing the same property. I was an ex he couldn’t throw out, but there was nothing between us. He couldn’t say I’d died because too many people knew both of us. I of course knew nothing of his other life. That his ‘meetings’ were with other women, not business..or they were business but let him go on to another woman afterwards.

The only truth you need is what you already know. He is a liar, a cheat, and being a gambler with associated debt is a cherry on the top. He had / has a home life with a wife who didn’t know she was in a sexless , loveless marriage because he treated her well and was a husband to her…while being ratty many times , I’ve no doubt, but kept her sweet enough to think all was ok

You will be trauma bonded but you must harden your heart. Do not listen to any more lies and spin. The man would not know the truth if it bit him. He will have excuses and blame everyone else. You must block him. Refuse to listen. If he turns up, don’t open the door. He’s entitled and will be angry you don’t just accept and move on with him. He wants a mother for his kids and a back up money pit. As well as his own way..don’t like being thwarted on principle. The only one that can end it is him, in his head.

It’s going to spin in your head for weeks…even months You need to find new things to occupy your thoughts at least some of the time and the rest will gradually fade as you overlay with new memories and experiences. If you find yourself drowning in the memory, wondering, trying to work out x, y, z go out. Do something , find a friend to go out with somewhere Take your mind off it for a bit.

My heart goes out to you.

Sorry OP, this must be a shock, but where on earth have your critical reasoning skills been? Your curiosity? Any one of these things should’ve peaked your curiosity to investigate. How did you find out in the end?

What precipitated your threat to call the police?

Sorry OP but you must have reaslied something was asmiss. You didn't meet his friends, family or even coworkers for 5 years. Come on now.

You could always be very evil and tell him you will blackmail him!