Discovered man I’ve been seeing for 5 years is a full-blown conman running a double life.

How did you get to five months never mind years without meeting his family and friends?

At least you now know, just walk away and don’t look back.

yes do make sure you are safe.

Did his wife die?

And what was the reason you needed to call the police?

Did you not have any suspicions though OP? 5 years is a very long time to basically be hidden away.

I thought that.

Who is looking after his two children?

Whether she’s dead or not it looks like he wants you as a childminder 24/7/365.

He may have some positives but 5 years of living a lie mean

A. You need to say enough. Secure your house, finances and life. Move on.

B. There are still more lies to uncover and will be more in the future.

After discovering all that OP you cannot believe a single word that man utters! Walk away and start living your life. He will never change and you’ll be forever wondering what is true and what isn’t. Of course, you could have him followed in an attempt to determine the truth, you could tell his family all about his deceit and lies but what would that achieve for you? Ok, so you’ve wasted five years on this relationship…….learn from that and move on.

Protect yourself and your child.
Block him.
Keep contacting the police if you're at all concerned with his behaviour.
💐

Honestly, this is a lucky escape. I know you’re devastated now from being lied to, but fundamentally you have no ties to him and you can end it and block him. Be clear that you’re appalled he lied, block his number and have nothing more to do with him.

Think of this revelation as being the protection you need - you never knew who he really was. Now you do. Act accordingly. Life will be so much more peaceful without him in it.

I’m so sorry. That’s appalling. You’ll be feeling emotionally but you need to act calmly and with clarity.

I think you should talk to a domestic abuse line and the police. Not to take it further criminally, necessarily but to log it. He’s a fantasist and a manipulator. I think it might come under coercive control.

Who knows what else he’s capable of? He certainly doesn’t view you as a human with rights and emotions. So to dehumanise and use you in the way he has, he views you as an entity there for his own gain, not as a fellow human being. He could be very dangerous.

If you have any details of his ex wife/wives then it might be worth reaching out to them to find out more.

Keep things normal with him for now. Just be a bit unavailable on the phone and don’t meet with him face to face - have a D&V bug. Be graphic about it to put him off coming round. Buy yourself time to get out safely.

But get some expert help today - asap. Domestic abuse lines know their stuff. They will help guide your next moves.

Good luck. Look after yourself extra well. Don’t forget to eat little bits if you can and drink. Sugary tea or water from a sports bottle you suck can be regulating. If you have a trusted friend or relative call them to come and be with you. This is a massive shock and it will take time to process and untangle. But DO NOT listen to any more of his lies. You can not trust him. The man he presented to you, is not the man he is.

Stop talking his cells. Block him.

Go to therapy and from that start your recovery from being trauma bonded. Do not blame yourself entirely here. These types of men are often quite plausible as well as being master manipulators.

This man sounds psychopathic. 😨
I'm sorry to hear this OP.
He is a liar.
He is an addict.
The addiction comes first.
He lied about everything. 😠 😡 😤

He has two kids and wants you to LIE FOR HIM in a meet up?
There is no dead wife.
You would not book a weekend away if your 2 children were grieving for their dead mother.
No.
He is leading a double life.
You were his mistress and he's afraid to be exposed. 😱

You need to ensure your safety first 💯
Then get clever aand get your ducks in a row. 🦆🦆🦆

Cut contact on phone email etc.
Change locks (if he has a key) 🔑

Contact Police - get this logged, in case he becomes desperate and/or escalates into violence. 👮‍♂️
Claires law check on him.
Check your bank and credit in case he tried to get anything in yours/joint names - fraud.
If he has done this then contact the fraud department. 🖊
Get therapy. 💯

Someone said something about posting online 'do we know this man?'
As much as I would want answers, I don't know if I would do this, in case it would put my safety at further risk for exposing him. 😔

Stay safe OP @PurplepenguinZ

Given you cannot believe a word he has told you there is no point worrying about his potentially fictitious family. Nothing is as he has told you. Someone prepared to lie to that extent has probably done so before and will again. I doubt you are his only ow. Have you given him money? What do you need to do to get him out of your life and block?

Change all your passwords on everything, change all your locks, make sure there’s no way he can get access to any of your accounts etc. His wife is most likely still alive. Do you even know if he’s been using his real name?
Block him on everything.

End the relationship, do all the other things suggested.

I wish such behaviour could be a criminal offence.

Can posters stop incredulously asking the OP, 'how could you believe this?' ... and telling her to 'question herself'.
How is that helpful to someone who needs advice on how to escape a conman who has shown a pattern of abuse, involving gambling addiction, pathological lying and some sort of personal disorder where he has gaslighted and coercively controlled her into believing a fabrication.
OP you are not alone.
This has happened to many other women, and you are not to blame.
You do need to take the advice to seek real life support (police and womens aid) protect yourself (changing passwords/pins and anything where he may be able to find you a have control over you) DO NOT investigate him yourself and get away from this man.
If you can seek some therapy, and do not feel shame over this, it is abuse.
Stay strong. Move forward

Sorry OP but I’m infused. Why did you threaten to call the police and is he still married or do you know his wife has died? I’m sorry you are in this horrible situation.

This man has put you in a completely unnecessary situation. Only you can decide but please take time & think clearly about what YOU need. The shame is his not yours & the secret is also not yours to carry or protect.

in your situation I would tell him I never wanted to see or speak with him again without any long winded discussion and change locks / block from any way of contact and I’d go so far as notifying someone (police / friends) on what has occurred so as if something bad happens there is an explanation trail.

Yeah now his wife is apparently dead… who knows. He problem needs a mum to look after his child. If it is true. Run run run. This isn’t even something you should be considering. Don’t look back.

@PurplepenguinZ you might not even know his real name or anything about him. If he was trying to keep you separate he probably lied about as much as possible.

Is the 9 year old even with the same woman? I would hazard a guess not and he might live with a 2nd woman. The ex wife might not be dead but rather this is a desperate attempt to stop you from contacting her.

Either way assume you know nothing about this man apart from that's he's a liar and you need to him out of your life. He is a stranger and a conman.

So is the wife actually dead?

Block
Change passwords for everything
Ring bank and phone company, ask for enhanced checks for security
Change locks
Get an STD check

As for telling the wife, I think if I was in her shoes I would want to know, however, please get more advice from women who have been in this position.
I don't want you or her to be put in danger

I was with a man similar to this once OP. He created an entire fantasy. Like pp said, the person you loved is not real. It’s an invention he created to get you to like him. As his lies started unraveling he created more to cover them and try to reel me in again.

It was control OP. That’s why he did it. He enjoyed the control he had over all the women he was seeing, his wife and me and the other women it turned out he was seeing. He enjoyed being the one who knew the truth and manipulating us to play the role he wanted us to play in his life. What links all abusive men is that they like controlling women. Men who do this have just found a way to do it thats legal.

It hurts like hell OP, is disorientating and damages your ability to trust for a time. But you will get over it.

You need to cut him off completely and stick to it. He’ll try really hard to reel you in again and he’ll never stop lying. It’s a compulsion for him.

I wouldn't believe his wife is dead either.

Get some counselling or a group of really supportive friends to get you through breaking the trauma bond (book some time off work and some activities to keep you busy if that helps) but break it and escape him you must. Don't wait for "closure" or a full revelation or anything to make it easier, it's not coming, at least not for now. Escape. Block.

You know what to do. Frightening behaviour.I can’t imagine how angry you must be. Wonder who his next victim will be. He needs locking up. Take care.

Do what you should have done four and a half years ago.. RUN. He has stolen enough of your life.