Please help me process what on earth went on with me and DP last night

Controlling people often ruin happy or special occasions...they struggle with sharing the limelight and others enjoying themselves without their input. Causing shit puts the onus back where they are comfortable with it being...on them.

It’s not really a self help book. It’s an antidote to the pretzels we tangle ourselves into trying to explain why these men behave the way they do, and it’s a real step on the road to being cured of recurring knobheads. I speak from experience!

Message her!

I reckon the relationship between you two will exponentially improve now she’s not sharing her space with this vile ex boyf

this!

my first thought was he doesn’t want to be In The relationship anymore but is a coward so is acting out so you end it…he’s was getting angrier as his behaviour ceased to produce the desired result.

how self centred is that on turning up…his response should have been along the lines of “oh sorry darling, I look a mess, sorry to let you down on your birthday, but hey you look a million dollars”

The fact that he couldn't just say, "Happy birthday, you look lovely." is so telling. It became about him and his clothes and his discomfort. The shine on the evening clouded over before you even left the house. The tone set.
If it hadn't been that, it would have been something else. Bet you.

Get rid of this tosspot. I went through this in the 80s with a domineering shit. Waste no more time.

I didn’t particularly mean to knock it but I have noticed women spend a lot of time on self-help when sometimes the facts are plain as with this bloke in particular … I’m all for self-help and it has its place but genuinely in this case the OP should drink to her lucky escape 🤣

getto g you to change your behaviour to what he wants by being in a negative mood is abuse - and yes he is trying to control you in those moments

I don’t think you need to dump him - that’s what he was clearly after - don’t give him what he wants but yes see it as over from your pov - just ask what he wants to do about tools in a week or so

OP if his ex says he’s controlling then I think you need to accept that he is. That’s likely why she’s his ex. And if his moods affect how you feel and behave, then yes he is controlling in ‘a traditional sense’. That’s how controlling people behave, and it progresses and escalates from there. He hates it when his wife says he’s controlling, he was mortally wounded when you accused him of the same thing. Giant, red, waving flags. Bunting, in fact.

He was looking for an argument and just kept finding fault until he got what he wanted. Get rid x

No he wants you in the place he has designated for you…which doesn’t sound like who you are

you can’t stay with someone because of their daughter..

It should be the end of it. Red flags all over your OP. These types of men only ever get worse so get out whilst you can.

Of course she ran after him - this is what this kind of emotionally abusive behaviour does - make you doubt your own version of things

it only gets worse - get away now

The only thing you did wrong was try to stop him leaving when he wanted to. He sounds awful

I would also have a word with your teenager and ask how they would feel if you didn't buy them ,,a present on their next birthday.

One idea is to say to DP and teenager they have a wek as you will celebrate round two of your birthday and if teenager ignores this well tell them no more birthday celebrations will be taking place.

@Ohnobackagain i agree, but OP said that she’d left an abusive man and ignored red flags with this subsequent one- something I did myself- and I found this book really helpful. It cuts through the noise of “maybe he’s scared of commitment” “maybe he can’t cope with your awesomeness” “maybe this, maybe that” as we look for explanations. When I read this book, I realised that there is no point- they do it because they can and because they benefit from doing it, and Bancroft has the data to back this assertion up. If you’re like me, you can’t immediately believe yourself, so solid scientific evidence is a tremendous help.

I still have my copy, and actually I replaced it when someone I lent it to “lost” it 🙄 because I think my dd should also read it when she’s a bit older. And in case I need to reread it a second time.

OP it might be worth take some time to look at and own your part in these dynamics if you can - you have said your marriage was like this too - the dynamic of letting men control you with their moods

I mean look at why you are choosing emotionally abusive men - it’s a dance and not one sided - you sound lovely and good fun - why are you putting up with so little?

there is a partner out there for you that will match your kindness and fun

He IS controlling, and an arse. You can’t fix him, you deserve better. Maybe your DD is being affected by seeing you with such a knob?

My ex used to do this when he had been secretly drinking.

These sorts of men just want to pick fights in order let out some of the venom and spite that's festering away in them. They want to diminish you in an attempt to claw back some feelings of bigger ego because they are actually weak and they know it. My ex was relentless in his pursuit of engineering fights to make me feel shit - I cannot understand why you would choose 'being a prick' as a lifestyle, but they do.

I can't remember who said it to me, but 'You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to" has stuck with me.

Yep.

This
He’s a waste of space
You deserve better

You’re well rid. Relationships shouldn’t be that hard.
My husband and I have very different tastes in music and neither of us would ever tell the other we couldn’t listen to what we want. Also, I can’t hold a tune but that doesn’t stop me from singing along. He says he like hearing me sing because he knows when I do that It’s because I’m happy.