Touched out, exhausted, and feeling like I’m failing at independent play with 3-year-old twins. Help?

Hang on, up to 4 hours of your day is going on driving to and from childcare. That is nuts. So 4 days a week you are getting kids out of the house at 6am? 7am? And not getting home until a similar time in the evening? They must be exhausted.

In terms of days you do have them all day my best advice is get out of the house. Go to a group, or a playground or somewhere. Otherwise it is way too full on.

If they are climbing the walls: take the walls away. Not always doable but a good starting place.

I'd be well past the point of gently setting boundaries - I'd be very firmly telling them that they are not to climb on you, they are to get anything they want themselves (providing it's not knives or the food processor obviously), and that you will be doing X, Y or Z while they eat. If they kick up a fuss then there are consequences. If they do as you have told them then there are rewards. You honestly don't 'have' to do what a 3 year old tells you to do!

What an unfeeling response. They’re three years old, in full time day care with a very long commute - no wonder they want to spend the little time they have with their mother. It’s also not developmentally realistic to expect three year olds to play independently.

Sorry but that sounds normal. It took my 2 year old a few months to settle into nursery and it was only after about 3 months that we went full time (initially it was 9am-3pm). They take a while to settle and 3 year olds are still notoriously clingy and emotional.

You've made some odd choices which have led to this. A 30-60 minute ride to nursery is just insane. You have to acknowledge you have taken this on and it was only going to affect you negatively.

And I wouldn't attempt to work while caring for them. Take annual leave, it's impossible otherwise. The first year in nursery, we only took one very short holiday. The rest of our annual leave was all used up by caring for DS.

No it's not - it's perfectly reasonable. 3 year olds are perfectly capable of playing with each other or getting things they for themselves that are 2 feet away. Of course the OP should play with them - but not constantly.

Lol yeah ok get not even two year old twins to "get everything for themselves" that'll end great won't it, no stress at all 🙄

@JustTTC I'm sorry to say this is really normal. They're young, they're in nursery or the car most of the day and if you're trying to WFH whilst looking after sick toddlers, no wonder everyone is beyond stressed. You aren't failing, it's just little kids being little kids but you've got no bandwidth to cope with the extra stress when it comes. Not many would tbh.

If they're ill you and your husband need to take turns using annual leave or flexible working or whatever to stay off and care for them.

The twins are 3 next week, it's literally the first sentence of the OP - perfectly capable of getting something 2 feet away. 🙄back at you.

Oh ok so barely 3 then, what a massive difference... Op's issue is having a nursery almost an hour away, so their days are longer than most adults going to work, plus trying to work whilst looking after sick toddlers, not the fact that they're not getting their own snacks FFS.

Where does the OP say anything about them getting their own snacks? She has to fetch things 2 feet away from them. You need to read more carefully. FFS back at you.

There’s a massive jump between two and three. My DD was so so clingy at two. She’s much better now she’s three.

Hang in there OP!

And I wouldn’t bother with ‘it’s unacceptable.’ IME they will ignore it anyway and you end up in conflict when you want to be connecting.

this sounds really tough and lots of challenges there. Would you not consider a childminder or a nanny instead? They weren’t always more expensive and could be so much more convenient for you. Are you not getting the free hours for them too?
Think you need to try and remove mental load and commuting like that every day is brutal

Neither of my kids were really playing independently for long at three. Kids will come back to the parent regularly for connection and reassurance at this age. They’ll go of, do things on their own for a little bit, then come back to you. It’s very developmentally normal and part of what they need for healthy attachment. You can read about the “circle of security” if you want to know more about this stuff and don’t already.

You’re in a really really tough spot with two of them. It’s an impossible expectation for you to work while they’re at home sick. Three is a full on age and you have two of them.

I agree the right childminder can be amazing. My daughter went to an incredible lady where she got a lot more personalised attention and she coped so much better and also got fewer colds.

I would probably want to consider if they’re settled into the nursery. Some kids just do better in a home environment. Being massively clingy would suggest to me they are feeling anxious. What were they like before?

The commute and long week in childcare might simply be too much.

Can't blame the twins, ridiculous all that travelling each day when they need playing and mum..one set of our twins are also 3 and perfectly happy with going out in the garden to play weather providing or playing with toys indoors together when not. Cuddle time is if they hurt themselves or when bedtime is. They sleep 7-8:30-9am...No way would I have put any in any nursery etc for a place so far away. Wee ones aren't meant to sit for so long

I think with this kind of behaviour, it can be easier to be proactive rather than reactive to them, even though it feels like more effort upfront. So have a craft activity set up, or start a game in the garden, which will occupy them once you've got them going. So instead of them playing then needing attention, they get attention then playing. I found searching games the best (teddies hidden round the house, egg hunts, that sort of thing). Maybe the teddies go and hide while they are at nursery...

You say you don't want judgment, but what do you want? Even 30 minutes in the car at the end of the day would be too much for most toddlers. Plus yes, they just want MUM. No one else, just mum. It's normal. There is nothing out there, no magical solution. They want mum and it's biologically normal. It's what you signed up for when you got pregnant.

Absolute nonsense. There's stuff people come out with on here is bizarre at times.