Touched out, exhausted, and feeling like I’m failing at independent play with 3-year-old twins. Help?

That bit about them fighting over your affection really stood out, it sounds exhausting trying to split yourself in two when you've nothing left. Something that tends to help at this age is being proactive rather than reactive, so a simple visual schedule on the fridge showing snack, garden, cuddle, quiet play can give them a sense of what's coming without you having to referee every minute. A short script helps too, something like "I'll sit with you for five minutes, then it's teddy's turn while mummy does the washing," said calmly and repeated daily so it becomes familiar rather than a rejection.

It really was. There seems to be s few posts like this at the moment - no idea why.

In terms of advice - I'm conscious that my first post was picked up by a couple of posters - I do think you need to set some boundaries, for your own sanity and wellbeing as much as anything. If you're exhausted (and young children are absolutely exhausting) then it starts to affect you physically, emotionally and mentally - it can feel overwhelming at times. I would start off small and set your expectations. So, begin with very small instructions - mummy will play with you for five minutes and then she has to clean the loo (or whatever), and I want you to play with each other while she's doing that. After 30 seconds (or less if that's too much) you go back, lots of praise, stickers on the star chart, etc. Gradually extend those 30 seconds until you can get to five minutes or 10, etc. Everything done incrementally in tiny steps. Clear guidelines, set routines, limited choices, keep things moving along. It's bloody hard though - I remember those days well.

You're doing a fantastic job - remember that. Twins are completely different to having 1 or 2 children, so don't let anyone tell you different. Remember also that this is just a phase and it will pass. None of us get it right all of the time, but you'll get through it somehow and in your own way, and you'll all come through it just fine. Hang on in there - it gets better, I promise you 💐

I certainly didn't mean to be judgemental. I guessed that the distance was for a reason but was querying if it was truly necessary as it does tend to make things harder.

In terms of advice and help - unfortunately to an extent it is an age and developmental thing. It is really hard at times and having twins is harder. Even something like storytime can become fraught if they want different books.

Giving each a bit of time when they are your priority will hopefully help and knowing that it will get easier.

The fault lies not in two very young children, but in parents expecting too much of them. They are still so young and quite overwhelmed. Change nursery to a local one, round the corner so you can be there and back in15 minutes. Or a childminder and school nursery combination, so they get more time in a home situation rather than a big nursery with sensory overload.

I just don't really think there's much advice to give in all honesty @JustTTC it's just an ages and stages thing!

Twins who are just about to turn 3 (keeping it exact for the more pedantic posters on here!) are hard work. Some toddlers that age can/will play independently but many don't. And people might think oh they can play with eachother, but at that age even that is unlikely without a lot of "management" as they're just figuring things out so there's lots of squabbling etc. I know 2 mum's of twins, older now but I can vividly remember them telling me about the "competing to sit on mums lap" stage, didn't matter if dad was RIGHT there, they both wanted mum. So again, a lot, but it's not you failing or doing things wrong, it's just... Kids 😬🤣 Definitely keep showing the behaviour you want, doing the boundaries and all that but it's a long road - you'll all get there though!

If the long days and commute can't be helped or changed you need to think of what else could be done to make things easier at home. Stop working whilst they're off ill for starters. They're ill, you're stressed, it's not good for anyone and tbh you could get into trouble at work. Use annual leave and talk to your husband, make sure he's doing his bit so it's not always you juggling things. Easy meals, early nights for you when possible, arrange the house so that you don't have to worry as much about what they might be getting into, literally anything to take some of the load off.

I think your best bet is just accepting it will be hard and doing what you can to improve it even if it seems a bit silly. The combination of new job and that commute is getting a lot of attention because it is a choice you've made what won't be helping but if you're sure nothing can be done you just need to get on with it. I'd work out how much time I need away from the clingyness to stay sane then protect that at all costs.

I know this sounds a bit out there, but instead of an exhausting drive and trying to work with overwrought kids, and paying daycare, is there some kind of nanny service. Im too out of this stage to know but would it be easier to try and find care in your own home or someone who is free to take then part time to a local play group, church hall type thing.
I feel very very sorry for you. And apologise if my suggestion is useless but trying to think outside the box.

Hi OP I have an almost 3 year old who is doing 15 hours at nursery.
At home I play with her sometimes I don’t have the energy to muster up imagination but I’ve notice that if I get out all the toys from the drawers to clean and organise, she loves it. And starts playing by herself she doesn’t get bored as a new toy comes out. I also enjoy it as I know there’s no mess in the drawers and that all the stuff is together.
The megablocks in one bag the wooden ice lollies all found and in the stand and so on.
Another thing I do when I’m really touched out is wear headphones with a YouTube video podcast and play then. I love scary stories or true crime. That way I’m not bored. This isn’t all the time by the way just when I need to.
With cooking I try to do it when she is most distracted but I will have to keep going back and forth. If she won’t leave me be I give her a pan with a wooden spoon and tell her to help me or get her to eat a snack on the kitchen table like a jelly.
With twins I can imagine it’s so much harder.

The problem with setting boundaries over things like this is that they push back.

I remember reading posts like that when I was in a very similar stage. My children were (it felt) constantly talking, climbing / scrambling over me, leaning / collapsing onto me (can I just say here I HATE THAT!) and generally I felt so touched and talked out.

They were actually frightened and looking to me for reassurance and the more I tried to get away from them they came back stronger.

OP I have twins. I remember having to choose the nursery out of the way because they had the best twins discount!

All I will say is, age 2.5-3.5 was far and away the hardest era of my twins to date. I’m sure the teenage years will humble me haha, but to date that year was HELL. When you’ve got two toddlers at once it’s only an experience other twin parents really get. They’re catching bugs off each other, sicknesses linger so much longer, etc. Taking them to the park and watching them piss off in different directions!!

I know it’s probably unhelpful but, it does pass. Life calmed so much once mine were in school. As far as the overwhelm, can you get away? I tried to have a couple of hours on my own each week. Big walk to the pub with friends, cinema, go for a run, anything - but every week. You need some time without the endless noise!

It all pays off. Mine are older now, and best of friends. They play together really well. In the summer holidays I barely saw them, they were just playing in the garden together constantly.

The teenage years are certainly interesting times @DiscoCherries 😂

I'm surprised they don't fall asleep on the commute home. I basically don't drive anywhere past 5pm (except 15m nursery commute and that is a job to keep 2yo awake), I always delay until an acceptable bedtime. Can you go to the local relative's home for dinner and pyjamas then drive home at about 7? They'll fall asleep, especially if you put sleepy music on, then you can transfer them into their beds.

I’ve got no advice but want to say I’m going through the same thing. My 4 year old twins have just started reception. I’ve just started a new job which means they’ll be at wraparound care from 8am-5pm 3 days a week. This week was the first week and they’re really struggling which has made me feel awful. They’re screaming, crying and lashing out way more than normal. It’s bloody tough. They’ve gone from having me around constantly to me working 3 full days. Ignore the nasty comments on here aswell especially the one from a fellow twin mum. As twin parents we should be supporting each other as we know how bloody hard it can be.

I have twins - identical girls - and I hated the time between about 12 months and pre school; I felt as if I was expected to provide a 24 hour cabaret. 😆 It takes a long while for them to realise that they are actually two separate beings and even longer to understand sharing and playing together rather than playing independently side by side.
However, they grew up best of friends and, at 35, are still best friends. In fact I only remember one argument when one hit the other and the other ran into the bathroom to hide. Twin 1 then hit the bathroom door with a rollerblade which went straight through the door. That diffused the argument and they sellotaped a piece of paper over the hole so that I wouldn’t see it 😳

Oh OP, I really feel for you. When my little one started doing nursery full time aged 3, we had such an intense clingy phase that I couldn't do anything. I was working too and the house was a tip - and that was just one child! I had staggered the amount of time they spent in nursery too, from the age of one, so I was taken aback by the shift.

I even went to a doctor to see if my child was ND because of their intense demands etc (bonkers, I know), and they just confirmed that the child is so young and just upset about the separation. That's part of the reason they want you to pick up things near them - to test you because they need to feel security/ closeness. They just eventually grow out of it. One thing they said was to give in to the hugs and cuddles and demands for 1-1 attention where possible as reassurance not telling off / trying to control it will actually reduce the child's demands in the long run as they begin to feel safe and secure again. I know this is much harder to do in reality though.

The main thing is it is normal behaviour, and if you can try and delay cleaning the house, finishing work tasks etc. until after they are asleep (7pm?), then they will gradually become less demanding apparently. When I did any cleaning/ cooking, I also just gave them a 'job' to do, like using a dish cloth, a toy Hoover etc which helped me get things done.

What a helpful comment to someone who is clearly struggling, how kind! 🙄

If you have just started a new job then their Dad should be covering most of the sickness cover, or as a bare minimum taking it in turns. It shouldn't make a difference that you work from home.