Things you never hear a toddler say

Yes, I know! You don't have to state the bloody obvious, I'm not a child FFS!

Of course I don't want to wear my uv swimsuit on the walk to collect Dsis from school - that would be ridiculous it's February!

I think I would like to eat my tea. I am hungry from not eating for three days, and it will help me sleep all night so you can drive home safely from Granny's tommorow. It is a long journey and I agree, there is only so much Red Bull one person can drink.

the red cup will do.
really.

Poor Mummy, you've been sat on the toilet crying for ages! I don't know what piles are but I'm going to help. First I'm going to get the new baby out of her basket and play with her...

I promise to play quietly Mam and not run around giving you a near heart attack every time I narrowly miss the furniture or door frames.

I bet you are glad I'm consistent and predictable in what I want.
It's an added bonus that I'm able to articulate my thoughts without having to impresonate an ambulance/animals.
often simultaneously

No of course I don't mind while you play on your computer instead of paying attention to me 100% of the day, and naturally I won't be pushing all the keys on your laptop keyboard, including the power button, to get you to stop!

I'm sorry Mummy, I didn't realise throwing my food was such a nuisance, I will instantly cease and desist.

Oh is my dropping of my water bottle onto the floor for the 1000th time annoying you? I won't do it any more then.

Yes mummy of course I can still eat my Babybel now it has toast crumbs on it because I put it on my toast plate even though you gave it to me in a separate dish. Why on earth would I need to scream at you to take the toast crumbs off it... That would just be rather rude and slightly neurotic.

I don't WANT to be a dinosaur!

Remind me again: which is the really gentle, quiet dinosaur?

Dino Dan is rubbish. What else is on?

Aarghh, Dinopaws? Can't we just watch the news?

Oh, FGS, Daddy. If I have to sit through Walking With Dinosaurs again I swear I will have a major tantrum.

I've finished with that Dinosaur book that Granddad helpfully bought me. You may now put it into storage.

"Yes, I won't be underfoot risking you tripping over me and possibly hurting both of us.
I'll just wait patiently while you are hurrying to make my juice and a won't cry as I can see it doesn't make you go faster or feel calmer"

Let's put my eczema cream on now, Mummy! It's probably easiest if I stand quietly like this and don't scream/wriggle/lash out, isn't it?

Great memes MNHQ

A lot of these would work just as well in the things my teenager would never say thread.

'Mum, I wonder what the weather will be like today, I would like to dress appropriately'

"Of course I will carry the jelly all the way home without trying to eat it and screaming if you try and take it away."

"Yes, you're right Mummy, that bag of shopping you're struggling to carry will of course be too heavy for ME to carry, I will stop screaming that you give it to me RIGHT NOW."

"Now I have stopped demanding to carry the shopping, I won't insist to be 'up with mummy' and sing jelly on plate while wriggling all the way up that very steep hill to our house."

"You know, all this would have been much easier if I had just got into the pushchair in the first place wouldn't it mummy, I think I'll do that next time."

Thank you mums of mumsnet with your toddlers that do all the same things as my toddler and made me cry with laughter after spending the morning thinking I was a disaster because dd does the hair thing, the nappy thing, the food thing, the nap thing, the toy thing.....

Time for wine.

I didn't laugh like a drain this morning when I pinched my brothers Frube yogurt when you weren't looking, had a massive meltdown when I couldn't get the top off, threw it on the floor and it exploded. On the carpet. I might have put my hands in it. I might have put my hands on the settee. And the wall. And the dog. And my clothes so you had yo dress me - again. Sorry.

You know, the cake doesn't taste different, the baby gate is still open, and my nappy is successfully changed if Daddy does it. I will not have a huge tantrum just because he wants to parent me too, but then whine when he goes to work. I can see why that would make him a bit sad and mummy very tired.

Please could you pass me my colouring book mummy? I have a sudden urge to scribble and I wouldn't want to do it on the table/dsis' book/this library book.

No, I think today I won't pour my milk all over my highchair and then rub my hands all over the puddle, I'd get my clean clothes wet and you would have to mop the floor. No, today I'll just sit and drink it with minimal mess mummy.

Would you be so kind as to help me with my yoghurt? I know that usually I shout ask you to help me and then scream when you try to take the spoon but I won't do that anymore. I've also decided to give up wriggling and screaming when you pick me up to cross the road, I can see now that you are only trying to keep me safe.

And things my 6yo would never say : ok mum, today I'll let dsis play with her toys without trying to get involved. I can see she's happy to play there quietly on her own at the moment so I won't snatch that character off her, I'll play with some of my own, more age appropriate toys.