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Elderly parents
Original poster

My dad

7 replies

Captainj1 · Yesterday 19:53

My Dad is in his late 70s, is having increasing moments of confusion, TIAs, falls. He hasn’t really been actively in my life for about 20 years. Lives about an hour away. I see him a couple of times a year at most and speak to him every few months on the phone. Always initiated by me. I’m not sure what to do or what I’m supposed to feel. His wife is sending occasional updates but I’m not sure what, if anything, she is expecting of me. Anyone in a similar situation?

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SylvanMoon · Today 09:46

Thanks for the update on the family dynamic details @Captainj1. I think you should assume (and if necessary, vocalise) that the children and grandchildren from his second marriage will and should be the ones caring for your DF. You should have as much or little contact with him as you feel you want, but do not accept any pressure from any source to do more than you want. I'm sorry you've had such an unfair opportunity to have a relationship with him.

Original poster
Captainj1 · Today 09:25

Thanks @GrumblingGeekthat’s similar to my experience. My dad needs to be looked after and his wife, who has always been nice enough albeit at a distance, cooks and cleans all day and he sits around not doing very much. He’s always been tight with his money and she is happy to not to have holidays or nights out etc. So I think the lifestyle suits him. She makes herself scarce when we visit though, no proper eye contact, struggles to ask questions. Apologises for him and his lack of interest/calls.

To answer the other questions (thank you @SylvanMoon) my step siblings live very close to him, which has suited them as their various kids are frequently at their house being looked after. Or indeed looking after - the older ones are now still there a lot and very close to their ‘grandad’ and more than capable of making him tea etc.

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GrumblingGeek · Yesterday 23:03

that was similar to how my dad and i were. although he remembered birthdays etc. he was very enmeshed in my stepsisters’ lives and always out and about with their kids, babysitting with his partner for them, doing their gardening etc. I was just expected to crack on.

I could never make arrangements to see him directly. i had to go through the partner so she could fit me in round her family and their needs/wants.

it was a case of happy wife happy life for him. i later found out he was scared to rock the boat in case he ended up splitting up with her if she felt he wasn’t doing everything she wanted.

he couldn’t be alone due to a difficult childhood. he never got over it so hed do whatever to keep her happy and not be alone. including sacrificing his relationship with me to an extent.

now hes dead i do sometimes think i wish i’d spent more time with him. but she was ALWAYS there. so it wasn’t just me and him. im reasonably content with my actions. it’s just a shame we couldn’t be together more. oh well.

i wonder if there’s an afterlife if he understands now how i felt abandoned and replaced. how he could have done more. or not.

SylvanMoon · Yesterday 22:59

Your feelings are quite understandable as are your feeling that the children he's invested most of his attention to should be the ones to step up when he needs help. Are his stepchildren nearby? Do they live closer to him than you do or are you being contacted because you're in closer proximity? Why would his wife wonder if you might be there to help out? Isn't she close to her own children to ask them that? Whatever the situation, you shouldn't feel guilt-tripped (either by yourself or anyone else) into doing things that you aren't really feeling responsible for: only invest more into it if that's what you've decided you want. Best of luck.

Original poster
Captainj1 · Yesterday 22:31

Thanks for your replies. I’m not sure what I want to be honest. I wonder if when he’s gone I will regret not trying harder. But I’ve tried so many times to have a relationship with him, it’s not that I don’t love him and vice versa, it’s just he’s never been interested in me and my family. He’s been very involved with his step kids and step grandkids and raising them. When I talk to him he talks about them constantly. He knows them inside out. Whereas he completely misses my and my kids’ birthdays, for example. Even decades ago. I suspect his wife is wondering if we will help when she’s not able to. She’s ok atm but I think their relationship is quite functional. I kind of think the caring should be down to her kids tbh, they’re the ones who’ve had the benefit(?) of him in their lives for the last few decades.

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Mableandable · Yesterday 21:12

I would ask what do you want to do? Do you want to involved in caring for him? Do you want more contact or less? Is his wife managing does it seem?

SylvanMoon · Yesterday 21:06

At her next update to you, can you not ask your dad's wife what she'd like you to do about the situation? Does she perhaps think you need to have more contact with him? And if so, would this be something you would actually want at this point? There's no way you're "supposed" to feel as your relationship with him is uniquely yours. But you might want to reassess how you are feeling about the possibility of losing him in one way or another. Good luck.