Dad wont accept his age or my mums

Maybe one day when you're in constant pain and can no longer do the simplest of things that brought you pleasure, and you have far fewer years left on this earth than you even dare to think about, then you can comment with some validity.

But they don’t have to talk endlessly about it.

@DoobyScooo " I wish more old people were as lively instead of wallowing in 'health issues'"

You do know that people over 80 more often than not have health issues don't you? I doubt you'd refer to a disabled person as "wallowing". Some people are more fortunate than others it's true, but ultimately we're all going to suffer one way or another from ageing, including you.

Prostate cancer? Some forms of it they operate a wait and see policy although some drugs may also be used. Prostate cancer drugs can affect ability to have sex and I think that often gets men who have been very dominant in their lives down.

There’s always one 🙄

Sounds like a total and completely selfish ahole. He will die someday, as will we all. So many of his generation believe they are immortal. He’s free to do what he likes, but so is your mother. She’s the one who needs to decide how she wants to live.

I don't think there is anything much you can do @Lucyboo976
I do think your dad's behaviour is slightly unusual, but that is irrelevant - your dad behaves how he behaves. He isn't going to stop, and it seems to keep him happy. And presumably he has always been like this, so your mother is used to it. If she is no longer up for these trips then she's the only one who can speak up.

Whichever of them dies first, it will be very hard for the one left behind. That is just how it is. You will I'm sure do your best to support them when the time comes, but there is little you can do in advance.

It could be a blood cancer. Mine had and has no symptoms and was picked up during investigations about high blood pressure. Life expectancy is normal ( you die with it rather than of it) and his might be slight enough to need monitoring rather than treatment.

OP @Lucyboo976 forgive my ignorance, but what kind of cancer doesn’t require any treatment, doesn’t reduce life expectancy and has no discernible symptoms (how did it get diagnosed then)? And if it really is as insignificant as you say, why is your dad struggling so much with the news and taking his upset out on other people? In his position and at his age, I think I would think myself lucky to only have that health condition to worry about.

Well my 97 yo aunt has just been to stay with relatives in Europe and now off to the U.S to see one of her Dc (she does travel with a family member). She only gave up her car early this year, and gets buses all over London.

I think the problem is your Dad’s controlling and over bearing personality towards your Mum. I don’t know what she can do about this as it has probably been a marriage-long dynamic. Would she be able to set a list of clear rules and stick to them?

e.g she will only accompany him if she chooses to, but he is free to set off alone
She will not do things that are uncomfortable for her.. he is free to head off alone

etc.

And to have a meeting where she clearly outlines her needs and boundaries.

With you there as support.

Also can she assert ‘doctors orders’ : my GP has said not to… so I won’t.

They are both very lucky to get to their age with only a few health problems . I think it’s great he’s not accepting his age and keeping going as he is .

You should perhaps support your Mum in being able to speak up and say no to him. That's the actual solution. I appreciate if he is controlling and she has always let him walk all over her it will be difficult but it had to be done.

Two things can be true at once:

1. You sound a bit ageist.

2. Your father may just be a dick - this is not an age-related condition.

Your Dad doing what he likes is not the issue here - and there are no rules for age related behaviour. The thing to focus on is why your Mum cannot advocate for herself if she REALLY does not want all this activity every day. Does she tell your Dad she is in pain? Or say nothing?
I think you are really asking how to make your Dad less controlling- and I am not sure there is an answer of this has always been the case.
Try focusing on your concerns about your Mum with him. Ask if he has noticed whether she is struggling at all.
Are there groups he could join (there are men’s walking groups in some areas) so your Mum could get a break now and then?

He sounds like a difficult person and it is hard for you to see him making life more difficult for your mum. All you can really do is be there for your mum and support her to stand up to him. Try not to bring age into it, your mum isn't up to tramping around places due to her knee condition, and even if she was, she doesn't want to do it. If he doesn't want to slow down thats fine, he doesn'thave to, but he will have to join some sort of clubs or go out on his own.

It's not really wallowing to have arthritis. One day this remark will come back and bite you on the bum.

So he's not so active, is he? Happy to drive a sports car, not happy to do any cleaning, cooking, housekeeping or pay for someone to do it, even though his wife had arthritic legs. Happy to go for long walks, she just has to follow behind.

It's not an accepting his age thing, it's a being a quite unpleasant sexist man, who has never had to care for others in his life and so he doesn't see why he should start now.

My partner has had to adapt to a disability I have, and we do fun stuff that I can do too. That how it should be. I would try to empower your mum or at least get them to spend some of that wealth (for surely he is wealthy if he's buying sports cars) on maintaining the home. I've noticed these types are very stingy as well and want their wives doing everything for free like they used to.

This!!!
I wish more old people were as lively instead of wallowing in ‘ health issues’
If your mum didn’t want to do this things she needs to grow a spine and tell him no.

He can do as he wishes, he sounds at the more active end but my parents are nearly 80 and do a lot of active stuff, holidays, walking, city breaks, volunteering, looking after GC and do most things together. But they also have down time and crucially share the housework and cooking.

What is completely unacceptable is your Dad insisting your mum does the same AND all the housework etc on top as well as having arthritis! No wonder he's so full of energy with his lunchtime lie ins and zero house work/cooking etc. I assume your mum doesn't manage the same amount of lounging in bed if she's having to do everything. He needs a hobby of his own and to live a life away from your mum a bit and to step up and pitch in to his own household. I'm guessing your mum is a bit worn down by it all though and maybe has always struggled to set boundaries with him. I'm not sure what the answer is, I see a few couples with similarities (controlling husband, downtrodden wife, gets worse after retirement) among my friend's parents.

I think there are two issues here. The first is that according to you, he bullies your mum. This is not on and if she wants help to put a stop to this then help her.
The rest is is his choice and in no way up to you. Anyone who tries to stop me dressing how I wish and driving my choice of car would get the rough edge of my tongue!

You need to talk to your Mum and find out what she actually wants, not what your Dad is happy with or what you are happy with. And then advocate for her and help her advocate for herself.

With your Dad a little bit of strategic manipulation might not go amiss. “Only really old men can’t cook, clean, do laundry, all the young guys do half the housework these days etc etc” There’s a YouTube video for everything.

@Lucyboo976 ita not his age. It’s his personality. Controlling. You can’t do anything to change him or amend his views. You can’t try talking to him about his behaviours impact on mums health. I don’t expect it to work. Acknowledging it isn’t in his best interest for his wants and needs.

Your mum is the point that needs working on and I doubt she will change. If she can’t say no. Can’t have her own interests or do her own thing or stand up for herself… then nothing you say or do will change it!

sorry and good luck.

This. You could ask your mum if she wants you to support her in telling your dad that due to her arthritis she needs x amount of sitting with feet up each day and she can't do that as well as the housework and also go out a lot, so he needs to go out alone or with a friend or join a walking group. But if she says no, you will have to let it unfold.

You could point out to your DF that your DM is not able to walk as much now with her bad knees, could she get an electric wheel chair so she can keep up with him while protecting her knees. Or could he get one of his friends from the pub to go with him on some of his jaunts if he doesn't like doing things alone? But it's really up to your mum to say she can't or won't do everything he wants to, although in some ways he is keeping her active too which is a good thing in moderation.

Why shouldn't he plan to do all sorts of things in the future that he probably won't be able to? Anyone could die any day but we don't stop making plans for what we want or hope to be doing in years to come, it does sound like he could live to be an active 100 year old and good on him if he does.

I don't know what dresses quite young means, something like jeans tee shirt and a hoody or designer suits? All sound fine to me, what should an 80 year old wear?

What does your mother want? Has she said anything to you or have you just observed her being unhappy? They're adults in a long standing dynamic of their own creation. Maybe ask her privately if she wants support in changing the dynamic and go from there. Confronting your dad directly is unlikely to go well from what you've described.