Should my 90 year old mother have to accept intimate care from a man?

She can refuse male carers. She has the right

Thats' atrocious and no way to treat an elderly lady or any female for that matter

Urghhhh, no wonder she refused.

Similar thing happened with my mum

But slightly different phrasing

They said they couldn’t guarantee it, but it was unlikely due to the numbers of female staff

So she accepted that and it was all women anyway. Our theory was that if a man turned up, she could say no thanks.

we do accept that they can’t magic up staff that they don’t have.

While I don’t disagree with you @Wickesisgoodenoughforme , my neighbour , for reasons I am not willing to investigate, feels strongly that care giving is women’s work.

I think care agencies face a losing battle , trying to accommodate everyone’s preferences.

No. But equally, women live longer than men so are more likely to be elderly and living alone, I’d guess that the majority of patients this services helps are women. Even if the default is male carers for male patients and female carers for female patients, scheduling and staff/patient numbers at any given time may make this simply not possible at times.

ETA - and tbh it might be that generally speaking it’s not a problem. Most carers are women anyway. But they just won’t say they guarantee it.

With my mum if a man turned up they would not do intimate care, they would make her lunch, brush her hair and tidy round. She preferred having the company than not - when male to female/female to male there was always two of the opposite sex. It rarely happened and as I said it was better she had company than not.

I agree that it is difficult for care agencies to manage but I do feel it is different to male HCA's, nurses and Dr's as the patient is alone receiving intimate care and this would feel far more vulnerable than in say a hospital environment. Male Dr's should have chaperones present when conducting any intimate examination.

DM is 86. She was in hospital in the summer and felt the male nurses gave excellent care despite her initial concerns.So much so that when we applied for carers she said she didn’t object to having male carers. Since then she has a male carer call twice a day to help her with bathing, dressing etc. They have been an absolute godsend. Trustworthy , reliable and gentle. I know that this wasn’t the point of the thread, and I agree that you shouldn’t be forced to have a carer of the opposite sex, but wanted to share our experience.

Not really no. But some people realize they'd actually rather that than nothing.

Surely she can say she'll only accept a woman, then they try and source one as best they can. One would hope they'd endeavour to do so. And only ever send a man for food or cleaning the house or non intimate things?

But then what does happen on the times they can't? Are you able to go and help her?

She has every right to refuse but the care provider only has so many staff to go around so you'll end up with no care.

Male social care carers are no different to male Health Care Assistants, Nurses or Doctor's.

Normally with two carers they have a male and female. Depends what she needs but if you want something else, pay for the carer and you will have choice. But check first that they will have provision for what you need and there isnt a reason for a male.

The organisation (inc NHS) should be planning ahead so that staffing is arranged appropriately. But your grandmother needs to decide if she would rather have no care if no female is available .

if she is still mentally able, it's worth her putting her consent on her medical record, or maybe doing an 'Advance Decision' to specify what she consents to. This is legally binding in England.

If she only consents to female only intimate/ personal care, she can remind the provider her request/ requirement is made in accordance with

1- The Equality Act 2010 which allows for single sex services when necessary for privacy, dignity and safety.

2- Care Quality Commission standards, esp Regulation 10, which mandates respect for personal beliefs and provision of dignified care.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g is correct- most sex crime is by males. . I understand many people want same sex care but some don't mind- which is fine, consent should be respected. I know an elderly (non slimy) man who due to a bad experience from males when younger has requested female carers if he ever becomes unable to speak for himself if possible.

Lots of obvious possible reasons, including:

• the OP probably has a job and can't just drop everything to be her mother's carer for a few weeks
• the mother may not live near the OP so would have to travel to stay with her daughter, which might not be easy with a broken wrist, even if someone could drive here there or travel with her
• if mother needs physio, community nurse and GP checks she's best off in her own home where she's already in the system

The sex of the carer is not irrelevant. Almost all sexual crime is committed by males. Statistically, vulnerable people are safer getting intimate care from women than they would be from men.

My Mum had excellent carers for the last year she lived in her own home. As she was on an island they were usually able to send the same carers, but if someone was ill or on holiday a replacement had to be found, and on a very few occasions a young man turned up. Fortunately my Mum had all her marbles and was able to say that she would manage without a wash on these occasions, but she had no option but to accept his help to get her dressed or undressed, because she couldn't do that herself. Really not good enough. I agree that there should be two jobs - carer for female service users, who would have to be female, and carer for male service users, who could be either sex.

Given that mostly carers have been women, men have had to have women carers.
What does it matter? These people are giving care. The gender is irrelevant.

It’s a very difficult one. Of course she has the right but equally they can’t promise to send women. No one’s in the wrong.

Unfortunately this is common.
most care agencies can not and will not guarantee care by just females ☹️

NO!

what is her daily situation? Does she live alone? Why can’t she stay with you while she recovers?

I’m off to Switzerland before I get to that stage. It’s inhumane.

Surely, the elderly men should get the male carers if there aren’t enough female carers available for all the elderly women.

Doubly not in an isolated situation like a private home.

As for the problem of there only being male caregivers on the rota, this is an area where discrimination in hiring should not only be allowed, but encouraged. The role should be for female or male caregiver, not generic caregiver.

It’s unfortunate , but it’s obviously a question of staff availability. I don’t blame your mum, I would not want it either, but one would hope they were trained and sensitive to the patient.

By the same token, my elderly male neighbour prefers women carers too. He’ss very vocal about it. But there just are not enough to go around.

Absolutely unacceptable. It shouldn’t even be a question.