Should my 90 year old mother have to accept intimate care from a man?

Have you missed all of human history? Me Too, Gisele, Epstein, my thumbs will fall off naming the myriad ways men attack vulnerable women.

No. No men giving intimate care to women. And for that matter, no women forced to give intimate care to men.

I'm planning to have an injection before getting to this stage...

And if only a man is available then no carer.

Yes, and only yesterday I read about an older woman being filmed while assaulted by her "carer". Switzerland it is for me.

No. She shouldn’t have to put up with this. I wouldn’t either and I’m much younger than your mum.

I really hope we have some journalists reading this thread and they expose this! Vulnerable women should no way in hell be having intimate care by males! I am disgusted!

My mum is in a care home and has both male and female staff doing this. Originally she would have preferred a female, but objecting would mean delayed help in her case.

Many of the carers in the home are husband and wife teams, one does day shift while the other looks after the kids and they then swap. Nearly all of them are from outside the UK and return home regularly. Mum is now used to it and says they are good.

I feel for your Mum obviously she should have the choice but this is a reason that social care needs reform to make it well paid so there is a choice of staff

No

What the actual fuck! How is this allowed? That poor woman! This has shocked me to the core!

And from listening to the stories told by my elderly parents’ female carers, they have to deal with a lot of sexually inappropriate behaviour from their elderly male patients too.

No, of course not. But I had to do it all for my mum, because they only sent men.

Speak to the care provider to request only female carers attend

The reality is that the carer's workforce is now made up of women and immigrants - both female and male, which is why the government (via care agencies) can continue to get away with paying a pittance and often keeping them on terrible terms and conditions.

No, she has the right to decline but this may mean she doesn't get help at all, if there are no women available to do it. They can't promise what they don't have.

The reality is that a lot of people that work in care now are black males that come with a work visa.
my son lives in a care home 3:1 and most are black males.

And I can honestly say they are flipping amazing!!!

is it suitable for an elderly woman, no it’s not but the care system isn’t what everyone expects it to be.

It’s a daily thing in my 93 year old’s grandmother’s care home. They change her nappies, give her a shower.

Again, I really hope I don't get to this stage - ever.

That’s awful. 😢

Given that the overwhelming majority of carers are women, I think that it should be possible to guarantee a female carer if requested. It may be that the care provider needs to set up a list of reserve carers or have an arrangements with an agency. I understand they are often short-staffed but it is a problem that can be solved if the will is there.

Moral outrage at the thought of it is all well and good. But if we want to be selective, we'll all have to start paying a hell of a lot more for it.

It’s a daily thing in my 93 year old’s grandmother’s care home. They change her nappies, give her a shower. Women are not strong enough to do it and the staffing levels are majority men also. I was bewildered at first but did not have an alternative home to send her to in our price range and distance from home range.

I know a lot of carers my ex husband was one and my sister a lot of men prefer women for intimate care they send men with them to supervise

I told my nans care company that she shouldn't have a man doing intimate care she had dementia got confused and scared easily they sent women i had a friend who needed a carer she was unbothered male or female but she had her faculties and I think that made a difference

I don’t know the actual/legal answer, but morally- absolutely not, that’s disgraceful and disrespectful treatment for a vulnerable woman.

I have to agree with this. I don't want to get to the stage where I have to have carers washing and bathing me, and then get pushed into having men do it.

I shudder at the thought of it. Your poor mum @Hakifadi 😢 And yes she CAN say no to a man giving intimate care.

When I was much younger (pre 1990s) this was never a thing - elderly people living for many years whilst unable to look after themselves, then put into care (either a care home, or multiple carers a day.) People generally died before they got to this stage. What has happened?

You are so wrong , the sex of the carer is very relevant to lots of people needing care.
Some of these old ladies are in their 80's -90's , from a generation who have only ever been undressed in the presence of their husband , not only that but they are clearly at their most vulnerable when alone with a male.
The dignity of people needing personal care whichever sex should be a priority.
My mother has carers, at the start some were men, it just wasn't acceptable however nice they seemed so we asked for females only which is what she gets now.

An elderly relative was in this predicament, she had a level of dementia and a victim of domestic abuse and was very frail and although we specified female only carers for those reasons sometimes males were assigned. In each instance without fail it resulted in her doing a bolt and going missing for a spell after the visit (supported living but not policed) which resulted in a fall and then hospitalisation and quite soon she died of pneumonia as is often the way with frail patients in hospitals. The whole thing is so sad because I can't get over the thought that if there had just been female carers she wouldnt have had any cause to leave the home she loved instead of scurrying up a dual carriageway in the winter nights and could have lived out her days more peacefully and in her own surroundings. I appreciate there just aren't sufficient staffing at times and sometimes care has to be given regardless.

I don't understand how she can't wash herself with her left hand?