Should my 90 year old mother have to accept intimate care from a man?

It's not about the will. It's about the money. To offer a choice of sex of care worker you need more staff overall, even though the number of people needing care is the same.

Maybe social services do have to take on pretty much anyone but that doesn't mean I have to accept them.

Why are we suddenly apparently inundated with male carers? It was always a female dominated area of work, so this makes no sense unless the government has intentionally granted far more visas to men. Women live longer than men and also live longer with debilitating conditions so we need other women to care for us, not men.

In their last year in the house and since moving to the care home, DPs have been looked after by a wide variety of carers. I must admit I never pay much attention to their gender, much more important is are they gentle but persuasive, do they speak understandable English are they actually trained and able to do what is needed, did they actually turn up in the correct time window . By the time that list was worked through I don’t think my DPs or I cared if they were male or female.

Social services is on it’s knees, yes a guaranteed female carer would be nice but they have to pretty much take anyone who applies for the minimum wage role.

F*ck no.

My NHS team provide interim care calls until a proper package of care for folk being discharged from hospital. We would not capacity within the team to only send a female so the person would have to take it or leave it. I have raised this with management and basically it’s tough luck.

It’s entirely up to the individual.

I am surprised that assistance with home care was offered for a patient with a broken wrist, I assume this wasn't NHS. Surely OP’s mum could wash/wipe with her left hand?

I think if I was at the stage where I needed help with going to the toilet, I really wouldn’t care if a male or female helped me with that. I might, actually prefer a male as they’re physically stronger and I generally prefer the company of men to women.

Asking because I’m curious - why did your mother not have carers to provide this thrice daily care?
Was it a financial decision or did she not want carers?
I just can’t imagine how you managed to do that for 3 years - you must have been exhausted.

FO. When I need carers to provide intimate care. I have no one to look after my welfare so I don’t want to end up being neglected and potentially abused.

What, when you break your wrist? Great plan.

Yes it is a double edge sword. What is the point in living to 85-95, if you're so infirm that you can't go to the toilet yourself and have to have carers change your nappies? And you can't feed yourself, and can't shower yourself, and have to be fed and showered by carers?

It's OK if you're 80-85+ and you're in reasonable health and fairly mobile, but the reality is that most people will start to go downhill by their mid 70s. I have seen many a person I know be fine at 70, walking 3 miles a day, driving miles and miles on daytrips, and taking parts in hobby groups, and living their best life. Then by 75-78, they start to go downhill, and are starting to get dependent on others, some have had to give up driving, and they have to get someone to take them everywhere, and get their shopping, and do housework and chores for them.

By 80-82ish, they can barely do anything for themselves, many have dementia, and they are put into care homes because their family cannot cope with them. And they're just kept alive for YEARS, just existing. I'm sorry if I upset anyone with this, but I think it's so wrong. As I said, even 25-30 years ago, people would get ill/get some kind of disease in their mid 70s say, and would die within several years. These days, there seems to be this desperation to keep people alive for as long as possible, even if they have no quality of life. With 10, 15 years or more of them just languishing in care homes. Just sitting in a chair all day, and being bathed and fed by carers.

I may be wrong, but I think one of the reasons for this is that care homes make 1000s of pounds a month off each person they have there, and they don't want to lose that income. So many peoples inheritances are going on care home fees for people who would have died over a decade earlier, pre 21st century.

It is not just shocking, I actually find quite devastating.

I cannot imagine the trauma of being forced to accept this (dementia patient).

I am so sorry your mum is not being afforded a dignified care option - she deserves that choice. The world is in a bad place.

I really am astonished at how surprised people are at this situation
of course It would be great if everyone could be guaranteed a carer of the preferred sex, but we are so far from being able to provide this

the best we can hope for is that care providers are honest about the sex of the carer

When my late DM was in a succession of care homes, she fell for a succession of male carers from exotic countries. Perked her up a treat!

I looked after my mother who lived 20 miles away. 3 x 40 mile round trips a day and I worked a nearly full time job. First visit started with me getting there at 6am last was leaving work at 6pm to give her food and put her to bed. Work was good that they would let me take a 2 hr lunch break to get her lunch. This went on for 3 years. Luckily my husband worked for himself and could look after our 12 monthyr old. Adult social care…….. Andy bring it on

No its bad news for women if their boundaries around their bodies aren’t respected!
Dont conflate sexism in the workplace with bodily autonomy and potential sexual assault.

I imagine there are more women than men in this role by far. Can't your mum accept and on the condition a man turns up. Maybe she can get them to do something else?

The trouble is... you would think family muck in as its only short term.

Not the same as a man wanting women AT ALL.
You may have to pay privately. Absolutely disgraceful.

This. It’s not ideal but care staff are over whelmed in most areas: it’s often hard to recruit and retain staff

She may well have to suck it up or remain dirty

Advances in medicine have enabled us to live much longer than even 30 years ago.
A double edged sword.
All these people saying they’d go to Dignitas miss the point that you’d have to be relatively well to make the arrangements and get there. It would be a strong minded person who’d go and off themselves under those circs.
It can be a gradual decline and then one day you just can’t get up.

In mum’s care home she was given the option, however with the understanding it was a preference as there were male
carees there. As she needed two carers each time, I think we agreed she would have one man, one woman. However looking back, I think that some of the male carers were her favourites. A different scenario though as she got to know people and it’s a different environment to having someone come into your home.

Is she capable of saying no wash today? Because you could accept the care and on days there is only a male, they can help with other stuff?

This.

My grandmother had male carers throughout her time in a care home in the 1990s. She didn’t mind at all. She’d had male doctors all her life for everything from childbirth to haemorrhoids to breast surgery and she wasn’t fazed by a man helping her to the toilet.

My dad had both male and female carers throughout his time in care too.

I understand that some patients might not want this. But it’s simply not the case that all patients are bothered by it in the slightest. Loads really don’t mind at all. And lots of nurses are men in hospitals and so on.

Also, it’s bad news for women in general if care work and nursing is considered to be a job for women. Most male patients don’t get to say what sex their carer or nurse is, and men couldn’t do those jobs for women, we’d have very few men in caring roles at all. Which means wiping arses and emptying commodes becomes women’s work. No thanks.