Should my 90 year old mother have to accept intimate care from a man?

So what stage are people planning to head to Switzerland then ? You are very unusual if you get a diagnosis with a straight forward trajectory that allows you to go there whilst you’re still able, in the definitive knowledge that you will decline.

My DPs were ok until they weren’t and I think they were both hoping they would die before that point. Now both in the care home with different forms of dementia, DM would gladly die tomorrow due to physical issues but despite being 93 and very poor memory and having his personal care done by the carers DF still gets a bit of enjoyment out of life.

Maybe safest just to go over when you’re 80 to be on the safe side, it’s a bit of a crap shoot after then. Of course you may miss valuable years with your DGC or have been one of the octogenarians still running parkrun, it’s very difficult to know.

I plan to refuse vaccinations and intensive medical interventions from definitely 80, possibly 75. I hope I will be strong enough to keep to that.

Me, too.

Interesting question: i don’t think an old man would object to a female nurse.

I personally wouldn’t mind having a male carer, just as I didn’t mind having a male gynaecologist a couple of weeks ago. But I do think everyone should be given the option of a same sex carer. But if there’s not the staff available I don’t really see a solution.

Do you think laying blame at relatives for carers being inadequate is remotely helpful?

Im asking why you left your mother to be looked after whom in your words barely spoke English? Do you understand now?

I’m not sure what you mean…🤷🏻‍♀️

If you are accusing us of racism - we would’ve gladly paid for carers that were of any ethnicity or cultural heritage that my mother could understand clearly. She was poorly, vulnerable and slightly deaf. The poor communication was just one of a series of issues, including poor training that was actually dangerous, and unknown people - including men, entering her house and giving her intimate care.

I dread to think how she would’ve coped if we hadn’t been there. It would’ve been a living nightmare for her.

@princecharlie absolutely that wasn't the my point though. I will die on this hill that a LOT of relatives are sheer lazy and cant even be bothered to visit their own relatives. I do understand people have jobs and families of their own.

But from some people's posts there is a complete lack of understanding of how things work. That alone tells me you cant be involved enough.

Its a physically demanding job and low paid. A lot of people couldn't and wouldn't want to do it tbh.

Sometimes a man may be needed for the physical side of things such as general moving and handling side of things. Baritric patients do exists or people who are obese. So a man is a great help in cases like this.

Communication is vital though. I raised a complaint about the Red Cross carers that the my Nanna was sent after discharge from a long hospital stay for the very reason that they did not speak English. She was fucking terrified in her own home as it was with dementia and having strangers with her 24/7 (for a 6 week assessment which led to admission to care home) without having both men and women talking at her with little words of the language she spoke. It’s not good enough. She deserved far better. I was there for as much of the day as I could be and they couldn’t hold down a conversation with me. They were aggressive in their attempts to get my nanna to understand them and it just made her more scared, but she was expected to receive personal care from them?

So, we actually did pay for better care but we really shouldn’t have to and the ‘if you don’t like it pay for it’ attitude is saddening. People deserve better. There should not be a low bar simply because it’s provided. The Red Cross were doing the discharge to assess for the NHS and the standard of care should not be so poor. The discharge manager came to the house part way through due to my concerns and found a whole manner of wrongdoings.

Sorry, bit of a tangent there, but yes I do feel strongly that when in any sort of caring role you do need to be able to communicate effectively.

Oh my goodness no!!! This makes my skin crawl. Your poor mum, the the poor poor lady with dementia - already not got her wits about her anymore and two men then cleaning and undressing her. Disgraceful.

Sorry you know nothing about the reality of being disabled. In theory you can turn down a man to care for you. If you do you may end up with no care.

Have you seen the statistics on women operated on by men? If I could request a female surgeon, I would. And possibly live when I could have died.

Yes but this isnt true for intimate care or personal care it could be male or female HCA for that. Although you can decline and you may have to wait but usually you will get your requested gender.

I imagine its a lot harder for homecare.

Absolutely you should of paid somebody as in your own words "the people didnt speak English". Classic example.....

Because if you have to work to live, and you have to leave your elderly relatives with carers you have no choice.

We have elderly neighbours with no family and all they get is four visits a day - 10 mins at most - we’ve watched them. Not enough to do any significant ‘caring’.

And I think that vulnerability is a factor in elderly people. And dignity. My mum was of a generation that put a lot of emphasis on modesty and decorum - she would be ashamed if her hair was uncombed for example. My late DF wanted a shaving mirror a few days before he died because he felt ‘scruffy’ if he was unshaven.

Agreed, this was a similar situation for me, I lost work and exhausted myself for months to retain her dignity. I agree it shouldn't be the situation but why would anyone accept it?

Agree.

Also, when you have an appointment for an intimate gynae examination at a hospital with a male clinician there will be a female chaperone, nurse or HCA sitting in and yet women are expected to be comfortable about being provided with male carers for personal care in their own homes.

Well thank you for your empathy. 🙄

As a family, we were there 24/7 (despite also working to pay the bills) but my mother didn’t want family doing her intimate care so we were respecting her wishes. After a couple of weeks of being patient, supervising, and actually ‘training’ some of them, we called in the district nurse to show us how to do some of her more medical/intimate care and sacked them off. The damage was done by then.

Why didn't any of your family do personal care? I have to say a lot of relatives are happy to complain but do sweet FA themselves. Its incredibly sad.

Absolutely not.

If I saw that happening in front of me to my mum I would have moved heaven and earth to do it for her myself whatever the personal cost.

My mum had home visits from carers after a fall. The best of the lot was a bloke. He was cheerful, respectful, and had A VERY LOUD VOICE!!!! which was ideal for when she didn't have her hearing aids in yet.

My 90 year old mother was promised only female carers but half of them were men and most were untrained and could barely speak English. We were told it was down to staffing availability.

I think it broke her over several weeks, and she passed away after significant decline. Stripped naked and forced to be washed daily by strangers and men. She was such a private dignified woman. 😔

Gender is irrelevant, they are there to do a job simple as that. Would you refuse to have a major op by male surgeons where they see everything