How to cope when friends don’t show up

Also recommend a PP suggestion of a break. I found / find these invaluable. Even if it is just a day trip. Getting away from it, does really help and there are plenty of low cost things you can do.

I started to go through this at a similar age to you. First Dad, now Mum. There is some truth in the fact that because this is happening to you in your early 40s, other have yet to experience it, and most people just don't realise how awful it is until they are in it. There is also a societal expectation that women will just get "on with it".

My DH was wonderful (is wonderful) throughout, and many of my friends were as supportive as they could be - particularly at crisis point, when just popping out for a coffee stopped me from going crackers. But. The things is, this is really long haul. And the long term grind of it all is something people don't really show up for. I can already feel my in-laws moving on, and an expectation that I will step into support them as the only DiL capable of helping.

Be kind to yourself. I found a counsellor really helpful during this time. Not currently going, but keep dipping in and out as I need to. Sometimes, that independent no judgment view is just as important as someone showing up for you who has known you for your whole life.

@HeyDiddleDumplings
Also adding another link from the Dementia UK site to register for free online programmes. I have taken several online education classes and attend an online support group. IME friends just cannot relate and give support/on-going support. It's not personal, it's just that people have their own concerns.

@HeyDiddleDumplings sending you love and support. I am a sole parent to two under 5 and f/t care-giver to my disabled mum with dementia. 💛💐

Here's a link to get some support:

Dementia UK

I'm v sorry you're going through this, OP. When my mother became terminally ill when I was in my 20s my friends were utterly useless - though before that I'd been useless to friends going through something similar so I didn't really judge them, but it was very lonely.

Now I'm in my late 40s and my father is ailing my friends are MUCH better - partly because they're more emotionally mature but mostly because now almost everyone has at least some experience of this shit.

You probably only need a couple of sympathetic friends so try to work out who has potential for a bit of empathy. You probably don't need lots of their time, just enough to feel they understand. Then you can recategorise the rest of your friends as "fun friends", which is also a valuable role.

Have you tried asking for specific support? I’ve found friends were much more supportive if I asked for certain things they could practically do like half a day of childcare, a lift, or a chat in a cafe.

I’m a bit older than you but have been dealing with elderly parent problems for over 20 years, since one of mine was terminally ill.

A lot of my friends of a similar age have no idea what any of this is like as they have no experience of it, or maybe only at a generation remove, so grandparents. They will have no idea of how little help there is out there. That hospitals and social services don’t talk to each other. Or even that someone has to do the washing if you’ve got someone in hospital! A lot of my peers still have parents providing all of their school
holiday childcare.

Combined with busy lives with children and work, it’s not really surprising they’re not checking in more as
they probably have no idea.

On a practical level look now for support your DF can buy in to relieve the burden on you as the need arises, as it undoubtedly will. Cleaners, gardeners, taxis, online shopping, pharmacy delivery, local handymen etc. Be careful of plugging all the gaps. Plenty of threads on here about being slowly drawn in.
Friends? Well I wouldn’t expect more than a few minutes of polite questions and concern tbh.
Your dad’s helplessness is unusual.
Maybe your frustration is slightly misplaced.

If they’re not even dropping you a WhatsApp asking after you… then are you really sure these people regard you as a close friend? Because that’s really strange behaviour from a group of close friends.

God op its hard feel for you. We had years of dads bad health. Friends good but had their own young kids then. Its only if they go through it they sympathise. My friends dad late 80s its all consuming with carers etc etc. I try and be a good friend as she was to me. If u can book a break. I find we got resentful

Your friends probably aren’t at the same stage with their parents as you. If you have particularly close friends why not message them to say you are struggling and would love a drink / coffee / chat / exchange of messages?

It's a difficult one to manage when you haven't been through it. I went through illness and death with both of my parents in my 30s. The friends who had experienced similar checked on me far more frequently than ones who hadn't. When I needed support I spoke up and my friends were there. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time but you can't expect people to know how you are feeling if you dont tell them. Hope you get the help you need.

I've been through this and recognise it as a horrible time, honestly the worst period of my life, worse than their actual passing.

That said, my DH supported me emotionally and practically, but I didn't expect my friends to really do so beyond a general check in. It's not really a situation that others can help with. It's mentally and emotionally draining and desperately sad, but it is what it is. It's not a fixable situation, and may well go on for many years.

Do take care of yourself. It gets worse before it gets better, but you will eventually come out the other side.

I feel for you, it’s a difficult and stressful time. I was in your situation in my early 40’s and then again 8 yrs later.
Unfortunately sad to say, unless you have been through this phase of life. No one understands what you are going through. It’s a harsh reality having to deal with elderly care and SS and NHS cannot cope. Since the pandemic beds in care homes wait list is something like 17-1 bed.
I was fortunate I did have a good friend who I could rant too and have a good sob .
It’s shit for you, try to be kind to your self . Maybe you need to reach out to a friend as they probably have not one iota of what you are dealing with emotionally and physically. I wish you well .

When I was going through a similarly tough time with a parent in hospital with cancer 200 miles away, my friends did practical things for me (looking after my horse in conjunction with DH, mainly) for which I was very grateful.

They did ask how things were, and I gave them all the same brief update to which they were sympathetic, but honestly, they hadn’t actually got the time to dwell on my problems and I respected that. DH got most of my ramblings.

Would counselling maybe help?

My friend has been really supportive whilst I support my mum with dementia but she is my closest friend. I've not really told other friends too much about it - they know my mum has it and that I'm supporting her but I don't think they really understand what that means and the toll it takes on me. I wouldn't write your friends off just yet, it's an awful thing to go through and I just don't think people can understand it unless they have lived through it

Nothing like a crisis to tell us who our real friends are op. Im
sorry your going through this.

however don’t be afraid to ask.

maybe someone can have the kids for a half day etc

don’t be a martyr as well.
and do u have siblings that can share the load.

maybe organise some food delivery for your dad In this modern age there must be ways you can ease the load. Guilt makes us take on too much. Be there for your dad but try to minimise your efforts too.

That's not fair. For many of us, having friends "checking in" adds an extra layer of complexity to the whole thing. I don't want to explain my challenges with ER to my real life friends, mainly because I want to keep all the different "circles" of my life separate. I would never ask about my friend's parents unless they brought it up first because I want to respect their circles. It doesn't mean I don't care, it doesn't mean I'm not there if they do want to talk about it, it just means I'm respecting their boundaries.

How old is your dad? It seems unusual that he’s so helpless. Do you think maybe your friends are struggling to understand that?

What support do you want from them? I think you need to be specific as people don’t always know what to say. They might not want to ask intrusive questions for example.

I hope things improve for you soon.

Op i am still not sure what you’re looking for tbh.

You say there are actually friends who are contacting you and then they move on after about 2 mins.

Maybe they don’t feel there is a lot to say? If i was a friend, other than acknowledging things are shit for you, i’d be asking what I can do to help practially eg look after your kids. Other than that, how are you wanting the conversation to go?

When i’ve been through tough times i’ve had friends give practical support such as driving me to hospital for surgery or coming to look after my kids while I need to go in an ambulance.

On the flip side, i recently forgot to text a friend saying I was thinking of her on the day of a family funeral. I even put it in my diary and STILL forgot. Not because i don’t care, but because i hardly have 30 mins in a day for spare brain power.

I was 'the first' one in my friend groups to go through this & it was a very lonely time sadly. They simply had no personal experience to draw on - fast forward a decade & now they're going through it. It's a whole different ball game, they expect so much support understandably. Of course I'm happy to give this, but it still hurts that I didn't get the same - but I understand why. Your friends are probably blissfully unaware, it's not intentional.

I think people don't understand until they see it close to. And they don't realise how valuable it is to be listened to carefully while you explain what it's like. Sadly, many of them will find out one day.

To add to what I said above. It can also depends on the norm established in your friendships.

If you’ve held people’s hands following a bereavement or period of depression or something challenging, there’s more an expectation of reciprocity.

But to be blunt if your friendship has always been about keeping things light and chatting about school runs or your holidays - they may not see the friendship as anything more and reasonably assumed you never either.

What’s more difficult is where someone has been the therapist friend and cheerleader for everyone , but when they’ve needed support it’s been crickets. This is something I hear about a lot.

OP a lot of people on this website don't value friendship and can see a need for it as weakness. What you hope for from your friends is a perfectly normal and healthy thing to want.