How to cope when friends don’t show up

I think you have a lot going on and are looking for an outlet for your frustration and your friends are getting it. If they have no experience of what you're going through, they won't really get it.

I think this is a time you need to be explicit with what you need in terms of practical help. Some of them are asking how you are, but spending ages ruminating over how you feel probably won't make the situation better.

What does “shown up” look like to you?

What would you like them to do? Like a PP said, if you haven’t been through it then they won’t understand but if they’re in the sandwhich generation themselves they probably don’t have a huge amount of spare capacity.

Your friends should be asking you how you are doing. If you need emotional support you might have to say so rather than just hoping they will offer it.

I suppose with the two minutes thing, things may not be changing. So they don’t have much to say about it and it’s a really sensitive subject as well.

Is your dad not doing things with hospital and social work because he has a high level of need himself? Has he been assessed?

Is there at least one friend that you feel able to be vulnerable with and tell them that you are really struggling with what's going on? I think sometimes you have to take that risk of being a bit raw before friends realise what you need.

I’m not sure what you mean. My friend went through this and I did ask but she didn’t say much and she had a husband to support her emotionally. Other than listen to her moan about her brothers not helping out her father (who was trying to care for their mother at home) there wasn’t anything I could do. I did listen but she was pretty stoic and didn’t want to dwell on it.
When my parents passed away I got ‘sorry for your loss’ but that’s it - I really think you are expecting too much. If you need to talk about it say so. If someone does ask how you are (or after your mother) say what’s troubling you. But this is happening to YOU, their lives are going on as normal.

Honestly people are shit.
Its not you.

Virtually no one gave a fuck when I went through some awful life events.
Eg. I was in nicu with my youngest got ptsd from it, then had 3 heart surgeries within a year.

People...friends!!! Were literally were unable to muster a "that sounds hard".

Id look into doing something for yourself a massage / yoga.

And seeing what you can drop or outsource

Have you got a DH or DP to talk to ? Or siblings ? It’s a lot to deal with alone. If you are trying to do this alone and look after the children, no wonder you are finding it hard, it is hard. You are also quite young to be dealing with this.

i think a lot of people keep this kind of situation in the family and deal with it there.

Talking to friends about it feels a bit pointless, because it’s not something that’s going to get better. I’m 54, and one of my friendship groups are slightly older than me so lots of them have navigated this stage of life. I don’t remember them looking for support as such, they would just mention it in passing at our regular meet ups, then we’d hear that the parent had died.

i hope you have support somewhere op.

That’s really crap, you are dealing with an insanely difficult period. The bit where mum was in hospital was probably the worst time of my life and I didn’t have a dad by that stage.

I think you’re young to be dealing with this
and if your friends are the same age, they may not understand. If they think of your situation, a mum in hospital but going to be discharged soon and a dad at home may not sound that big a deal to them. It’s a situation where if we were still having proper phone calls with friends it would be easier - they would be able to hear in your voice how much you are struggling and you could explain more. Is there a friend you could just phone to talk to? Tell them you just desperately need to have an actual conversation? It may need to come from you.

I would say you are quite young to have parents at that stage so it’s possible that none of your friends get it yet and it is difficult to understand how intense it is

And do you have siblings and / or partner to help you ?

I had assumed you were a single parent before you said this.

I think friends just assume your husband/ family will be enough and they can just do a token check in now and again.

Most people are very insular I find and don’t care about too much beyond their immediate family circle. I learnt this the hard way.

You are lucky to have a helpful sibling and DH. Many have no one.

This is a very stressful time for you. People/friends are also worried about doing or saying the wrong thing.

When my parents were ill and we were running around doing all sorts it wasn't friends that helped us. I didn't expect it.

OP a lot of people on this website don't value friendship and can see a need for it as weakness. What you hope for from your friends is a perfectly normal and healthy thing to want.

To add to what I said above. It can also depends on the norm established in your friendships.

If you’ve held people’s hands following a bereavement or period of depression or something challenging, there’s more an expectation of reciprocity.

But to be blunt if your friendship has always been about keeping things light and chatting about school runs or your holidays - they may not see the friendship as anything more and reasonably assumed you never either.

What’s more difficult is where someone has been the therapist friend and cheerleader for everyone , but when they’ve needed support it’s been crickets. This is something I hear about a lot.

I think people don't understand until they see it close to. And they don't realise how valuable it is to be listened to carefully while you explain what it's like. Sadly, many of them will find out one day.

I was 'the first' one in my friend groups to go through this & it was a very lonely time sadly. They simply had no personal experience to draw on - fast forward a decade & now they're going through it. It's a whole different ball game, they expect so much support understandably. Of course I'm happy to give this, but it still hurts that I didn't get the same - but I understand why. Your friends are probably blissfully unaware, it's not intentional.

Op i am still not sure what you’re looking for tbh.

You say there are actually friends who are contacting you and then they move on after about 2 mins.

Maybe they don’t feel there is a lot to say? If i was a friend, other than acknowledging things are shit for you, i’d be asking what I can do to help practially eg look after your kids. Other than that, how are you wanting the conversation to go?

When i’ve been through tough times i’ve had friends give practical support such as driving me to hospital for surgery or coming to look after my kids while I need to go in an ambulance.

On the flip side, i recently forgot to text a friend saying I was thinking of her on the day of a family funeral. I even put it in my diary and STILL forgot. Not because i don’t care, but because i hardly have 30 mins in a day for spare brain power.

How old is your dad? It seems unusual that he’s so helpless. Do you think maybe your friends are struggling to understand that?

What support do you want from them? I think you need to be specific as people don’t always know what to say. They might not want to ask intrusive questions for example.

I hope things improve for you soon.