Please help me - I am really struggling with this

@Middleagedmanagement, I’ve just come across your thread, how did it go? Hope as well as it could have, and settling in has started ok. Absolutely the right thing to do, keep going.

Op hope the move goes ok

You are doing the right thing

Your DM is not safe to live on her own any longer

Hi OP. We had a similar situation earlier in the year with 91 yr old DP. Like you - ‘sold’ it as ‘let’s try it out to see what you think’. I am
so glad we did it. Parent settled in well. A couple of weeks later announced that they had made the right decision to move and asked me to sell their house which was very unexpected.

There have been a few wobbles but I can sleep at night knowing they are safe and well
looked after. Visits now are sociable rather than shopping and housework.
I hope it all goes well on Tuesday. 🤞

can I just say that you can request a Care assessment from Social Services at any point, even if you have significant funds, you do have to pay for care if you have over the £23k threshold, but anyone can ask for an assessment, it is not dependent of your financial position. It can be good to get them involved, especially if someone insists they are fine and reject carers or a care home, when they are clearly having difficulty, sometimes having someone with ‘authority’ tell them they need help is accepted more than when the family suggested it.

She could have subacute subdural heamatoma , has she had a repeat CT scan? It’s a possible explanation for her memory loss

My Mum was a nurse almost her whole career@Middleagedmanagement Mum and I had a conversation last year when we discussed the future and care homes etc. Mum told me she would only want to go into one if she was frightened to be alone in the house and night or in the day.
So please know you are doing totally the right thing for your Mum. Loving and caring.

I moved my mum into a care home 2 weeks after my dad died when she was 90. I never actually told her she was moving into a care home. Her dementia meant she was unable to retain the knowledge my dad had died so there was no point.

When she got there the staff got her settled with tea and biscuits and I left for a couple of hours and then came back to see how she was. She was enjoying chatting to the staff and listening to the music being played in the lounge. I was worried about what she would be like at bedtime so went after breakfast the next day and she already seemed quite happy there. It was meeting her needs re being helped with getting dressed, fed, entertained etc.

I never said goodbye to her after visits, I just slipped away when she was dozing or said I was going to the loo or would be back ‘in a bit’.

Hopefully your mum will settle quickly. My mum was self funding but when I told social services she was moving into a care home (my parents had had care needs assessments in the past) they insisted on visiting mum in the care home to check she didn’t have capacity (it took about two minutes to assess that she didn’t) and the care home then put DOLS paperwork in place. If your mum became insistent that she went home I am not sure what would happen.

I wouldn’t keep mentioning it. One the day I’d say we are going to stay there for a while and leave it at that.

God what a nightmare, but she can't manage at home alone with her memory like this, it would be dangerous.
No point in trying to explain in advance since she forgets. You could tell her on Tuesday that some respite care has been arranged, and whenever she asks when she's going home, you can truthfully say that she needs to stay put until she's well enough to manager on her own, and meanwhile she'll be able to see family much more often than usual. Hopefully she will settle in after a while.

@Middleagedmanagement That is why you have to tell her whatever will work to get her into the car and on her way. You need to make it as easy as possible.

I know how you are feeling because I felt the same 8 years ago when I moved my mother: what if she refuses to go? You have to hide any anxiety and keep everything upbeat and cheerful. You are going on a journey to a nice place where she can be looked after and get better. Smile constantly and reassure her everything is fine and there is no reason for her to worry. When you get there, emphasise how lovely it is and how nice the staff are.

It is almost less important what you say, than how you are saying it, so that she senses 'everything is okay' and feels safe.

Tell her the doctor has booked her into a convalescent place for a few days respite. They’re preparing a little lunch for her, won’t that be nice. Building her strength up etc. No more detail than that.
MIL is in care and thriving. No longer sitting in damp pants struggling to make cup a soups and ringing us every hour of the day. She is safe and we have our life back.
Today is likely the best she will ever be. Think long term, you really have no other option. Dare I say this is sadly what happens in the hundreds of thousands when we live too long. As an ex district nurse I’ve seen the pitiful and unsafe state some older people end up in when reality is not faced.

Just be vague and tell her she's going for respite or to convalese for a while. Tell her you're going to see how it goes for her. If her memory is that bad she will settle in no time- if you have less than £23k you can involve social services. They will assess her and do a mental capacity assessment and a best interest assessment but the result likely to amount to the same thing.
Don't beat urself up OP ( but I realise easier said than done). I hope she settles and is happy and content.

If the fall was only a week or so ago, there was an observed head injury and she experienced a sudden decline in function afterwards, please be sure to let the manager know. I'd be quite alarmed about that and would want to monitor her a little more closely....

When FIL went to a care home they strongly advised not telling him in advance. Instead we 'went out for the day' to the care home and dropped him off.

They then advised never to say Good bye so we pretended we were just going to the loo and left.

Felt very wrong at the time but we rapidly realised the home were completely correct and this was the best way for FIL.

I agree with PP, leave telling her until the last moment. My mother had dementia and when I moved her to a care home I didn't tell her until the morning of the move. There was no point, she wouldn't remember and we'd have to go through it all again and have double the upset.

When you do tell her, make it whatever she'll accept most easily - temporary respite, a break in a convalescent home.

I packed my mother a small bag as if she was going for a few days. Then I went back to her flat a few days later and collected everything else she needed. It was far less disruptive, I didn't want her to see all her possessions piled up, or to realise she was leaving her flat forever as that would be too upsetting and stressful for her.

So if you tell her Monday night she'll forget and you'll have to tell her again Tuesday morning. So that means that whatever happens, you'll have the conversation on Tuesday morning.

So save yourself the bother and don't have it on Monday night. Don't look for impossible solutions - yes it would be lovely to give her some time to get used to the idea, tell her in advance, make sure she's prepped. But you can't do that, so the next best option is to minimise your own stress, and it's entirely reasonable to do that.

This is great advice.

A 97 year old with no short term memory and a history of falls and family 2 hours away... you're doing the right thing OP. My mother improved hugely in a care home as she was previously forgetting to eat, drink, take medication, go to bed etc. It will also be a great relief to be able to visit her more often.
It may go much better than you think. Try to use language she can understand/ which resonates with her. My mum understood two things a) see your family b) have a nice rest and be looked after. The concept of things happening in the future, a care home she couldn't imagine, packing things to take etc. all completely pointless.
Does your mum have things she repeats or that are important to her? try to hook into those if you can. Mine talked non stop about her childhood, so we said she was off to the the country like her childhood, with a dog like her childhood pet dog etc. and then rinse and repeat one million times. You could probably go quite far with the nursing theme. If she asks to go home it may very well be to her childhood home. Simple stuff like favourite cake on arrival, lovely view out of window, fave bunch of flowers, even a teddy or picture from home etc.
I'm so sorry, old age is awful.

I hope it all goes well then OP. I have just had to move my dad into a care home near me, as were his wishes, as he didn’t feel safe at home either. He’s doing a lot better there than I expected and it’s a lot easier for me in many ways knowing he is nearby and has 24/7 support if needed.

We had this with my nan, who had Alzheimer's. We got round it by saying it was for respite for a few weeks, 'just until you're better'. This placated her every time, so win-win. Best of luck x

That’s quite a big step from living at home independently to needing full time care. Have you looked into the reasons behind her fall / increased confusion? Has a UTI been ruled out for example? Have you fully explored other options, falls sensor, carers, meals on wheels etc? It’s tricky as your mum has basically said she doesn’t want to go to a care home, so unless she is deemed not to have the mental capacity to make these decisions and you have LPOA you can’t force her. You may find a change in environment makes her confusion and falls risk worse as well.